• (416): So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying
• (812): I don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys
• (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
• (540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
• (410): hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)

(1-410): stop writing like that.

• (361): Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
• (489): watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on.
• (315): if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
• (952): I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
• (814): I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
• (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
• (732): i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
• (618): i just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
• (325): Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
• (704): you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kepy saying "you're home blueberry vodka, you're home!"
• (415): Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy is making crepes so its ok
• (978): My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast... I'm pretty sure she's sober.
• (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!....yeah kinda akward
• (248): Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
• (508): They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
• (305): Either I get my picture taken sittong on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
• (917): I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow...it was like the activation code to her vagina
• (317): im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
• (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
• (860): no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
• (314): Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is...
• (401): OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
• (404): I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high

(954): Yeah, I don't like babies at all

• (609): You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

• (917): i'm seventeen days late, but at least now we can write a poem and put it on that i-hate-myself-for-having-an-abortion website

(917): i'm thinking a haiku. We had shower sex It was pretty good although Baby had to go

• (314): He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?

(1-314): No. Take one for the team.

• (248): brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
• (616): this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
• (252): He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm,
• (917): I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
• (570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
• (757): I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
• (773): She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
• (419): I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive...I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
• (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
• (301): Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
• (317): Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
• (850): so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
• (512): in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
• (203): we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
• (570): jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
• (951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
• (201): my friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince"
• (353): I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
• (443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
• (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian and say it was a book signing.
• (612): You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!

(763): Yes. (612): fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria

• (704): my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
• (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
• (412): I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
• (972): You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
• (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
• (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
• (705): Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
• (818): Jake died.

(310): WTF??????? That's bhow you tell me??? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

• (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
• (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

• (612): I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
• (845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
• (650): We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

• (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry adn when they said they didn't make those you tried to call 911

• (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
• (209): dude, you've never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

• (631): all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
• (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
• (702): i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
• (401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek? (401): wait... oh

• (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now.
• (860): I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): fuckk wrong person (860): ...who was that for? a girlscout?

• (609): i just sawa guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scares shitless. im an alcoholic.
• (248): He was from Iceland of course I didn't sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
• (215): im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL.

(609): dude. stop pregaming the food network.

• (519): Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
• (804): dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
• (414): You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
• (518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
• (310): Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
• (301): please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
• (954): The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
• (678): The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
• (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
• (204): you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
• (703): he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner for 2
• (817): i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
• (970): Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
• (571): I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
• (732): we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): wasnt he a virgin (732): yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

• (626): dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
• (785): i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
• (201): just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
• (317): sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
• (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
• (208): U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
• (518): I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
• (612): I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
• (218): i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.