- as you grow and experience time lapses and different eras of life you begin to see the manifestation of interests and stories that you loved as a child. music, movies, comics and books are all resources i had for putting the pieces together of what my life would be. it's like puzzle pieces. being young was a terrible time for me. i was alone a lot, i also was mad often. this is not the time to try to pry into my memories, lmao. i can't do that right now.
- what i was saying though, i do believe that every source of media i held dear to my heart encoded its way into events and the sequences of my life. perhaps it's because i subconsciously hold these stories in my head and therefor the decisions i make could loosely be based off of them.
- it's different when it comes to horror media, and tht's something i need to try and evaluate right now. since i was alone a lot, i had more than enough opportunity to seek out the things i knew were 'bad'. but when it came to horror movies, it was usually an accident. my mom or dad would fall asleep and leave MTV on. the shitty slasher films they played were the first introduction i had to the idea that one can make another bleed. rewatching them now i laugh at how mundane they are, but despite how i think, most people choose not to watch scary movies b/c it fucks with you.
- at age 5-10 there's really not any sort of thought about how something is going to affect you when you engage with it. that's why i watched thousands of scary movies. as many scary movies as i could. and my best friend was the same way. we endorsed each other to sit through countless hours of blood, guts, torture, psychological terror... etc.
- it's funny looking back on it now because literally where were our parents. Working and hanging out with their boyfriends is the answer i think. when i was probably 8 or so i had a hard time taking showers because i always felt like there was something behind me, and sometimes i would feel it grab the back of my neck. i had constant nightmares that are still some of the most impactful dreams i ever had. i wouldn't say i'm the most sane person either. who claims they're able to talk to ghosts? it certainly feels like i have a connect to them, or is this just a subconscious thought that i gained from watching thirteen ghosts? i do believe it completely altered my sense of self.
- which is fine, everything is meant to be, and i'm glad i am who i am. mostly.
- that's all for now. i sort of tired myself out thinking about all of this lmao.
- i also really need to start going to sleep at a reasonable time
- why am i awake until the sunrise and sleep until sunset? i've become a gremlin. i'll blame it on the winter for now.
dec 26 2020 ∞
dec 27 2020 +