Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty. Once again it's a few hours to the 9th, so here's who I am, as of 8th August 2015:

• Unfortunately, last-hours-of-nineteen, I was not on the cusp of something new
• This year has been insane from start to finish, I can remember things happening every single month from last August to now
• I can't wrap my head around how different things are from what they were just twelve months ago
• But firstly, still with the large glasses (I have two pairs now, one black and one purple)
• Pretty long hair and bangs
• Still at six piercings
• The only significant addition to my appearance is that I got tattooed (!)
• So currently: two tattoos
• I got my license last month (finally)
• And I have a simple job (finally)
• I should be finishing my degree sometime this year. I don't know
• But mostly I feel like twenty has been the year that shoved my face in the dirt and kicked the air out of my lungs too many times to count
• And poor last-hours-of-nineteen, you didn't know what an ass you would make of yourself at Vienna Teng's concert
• I don't know how many depressive episodes I've had this year
• But God has been with me for all of them
• And I guess now I'm learning to lean on Him for every breath as it comes and not think even beyond the month, week, day, hour, minute I'm in
• This is where I usually write about my accomplishments during the year but I feel too tired to do that right now
• Funny how the days leading up to my previous birthdays were pretty restful and happy, because today is proof that links will break at some point of the chain
• (I'm drowning, I'm drowning.)
• Let me make an effort anyway: this year I went to Thailand a lot; I was suicidal in Bangkok (spent much of my time lying on the carpet/hiding behind the curtains; wanted to drown myself in the hotel bathtub) but the food was amazing and I love that city because it's where I learned how to exist again
• This year Fiftythree contacted me to take over their Instagram, which was great
• Tomorrow we're having a barbecue for Calvin and me and I have never felt so underwhelmed about a birthday in my life
• I'm just really tired.
• I guess that the main difference between last-hours-of-nineteen and now is that now I'm sort of dead inside from all of the shit that happened in this year but that makes me less sensitive too
• It's getting harder and harder to write these posts because I feel like everything has changed and everything will always change and what's the point of listing what's changed when you might as well say EVERYTHING?
• So yeah: twenty was the year of heart-crushing, mind-numbing pain and sadness and my mouth sewn shut so I couldn't say anything
• The number of times my heart broke and got pieced together again... I don't even know
• Oh twenty-one, please be better, please be better