• (516): You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
• (425): Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
• (513): What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
• (704): you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

also halloween costumes to possibly be ever in your life:

• gold digger in hopes that people will actually give me money.

"Today, I asked my dad to make me a milkshake. He told me to make one myself. I responded that I didn't know how to make a good milkshake. His response? 'Well, that's why your single. No boys ever come to our yard.' MLIA."

Today, I discovered that you can mail a banana as is. All you do is write the address and place a stamp on it and then put it in the mailbox. Mind blown. MLIA.

• (805): Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
• (203): dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me