grandma, if i coud do it all over, maybe going back a couple of years, mid-high school, maybe sooner, i would take care of you. knowing what i know now, how it feels to have lost you, how it's hurt grandpa, mom, tommy, robert, scott, the cousins, sydney, christian, and elijah especially, even my dad's parents, i wish i could and would have taken care of you more. grandpa took care of you nearly around the clock, but i wonder if you would have responded better if i had taken you out to walk sometimes, or cooked for you more. i wish i could go to your house every day now and cook for you. we could eat the same thing i usually made--the eggs over rice, bok choy, green onions, cucumber salad, some fruit, and fortune delight or cali with stevia. i wish i could talk you into getting up and walking around outside with me, even just for 5 minutes--to the next house down and back. i wish i could go in and fix your heart, could resuscitate you, could breathe half of my life into you just to be with you longer. it's so selfish. you were suffering, you couldn't sleep, and yet i want you back. but this time, i'd like to make you well. i guess that is what you were hoping for in paradise. that you would die (or be asleep for an indefinite amount of time), the end would come, your family would be saved, and you would all live again without ailment in paradise with no money, no class, no poverty, no illness, no pain, and mimi would be there, and ming, and your mom and dad, and all your brothers, and vicky. why wouldn't you be healthy in life? why did you want to wait until jehovah would fix your body for you? was it too hard, did you feel unsupported? i wish i knew, i wish you would have told me a hundred times, i wish i could fix it all, i wish you could come back, that you would come back. this doesn't even make sense. i just want you here. i want to eat breakfast with you again at the table at my house, and then watch a movie. i wanna sleep next to you in your bed at your old house on sunnyside and eat a big bowl of popcorn with lots of butter.