| grandma, i graduated college with my bachelor's in anthropology and minor in french. i finished summa cum laude with a 4.00 GPA despite 2 Bs. i guess i took enough credits that it padded those lower grades. i finished about 3/4 of my pre-dental courses as well. i had to drop physics 2 which made me feel like a failure, but I got a B in organic chemistry even after failing (like, hardcore failing) my second exam. i'm moving back to flagstaff in less than a month - august 1 - to do a graduate program in sociocultural anthropology. i'm scared. i remember we talked about depression in your last year alive - i definitely got the mood extremities and depressive episodes from you, and i guess my dad, but i feel better attributing it to you because it feels less like a moral failing that way. robert is getting divorced because jen cheated on him for, like, a long time. she is mean and i've always ... jul 5 2026 ∞
jul 5 2026 + I'm sorry it has been so long. I hope you didn't get too lonely and I hope you can read my mind when I talk to you so you don't have to rely on these messages. I thought of so many things to say to you but I didn't make time to write it all down here. I'm sorry. Grandpa is getting an ablation done for his AFIB soon, which should go fine. He doesn't have any blockages. I forgot to tell you that he was in the hospital for a few weeks at the end of August into September (maybe I have the dates mixed up, it might have been early August) because he thought he was having a heart attack. He drove himself! Anyway, he got all these tests run and they said he has AFIB like his brother and dad and also likely Broken Heart Syndrome. If ever you had a doubt about his love for you, here is the ultimate proof. His heart broke over losing you. It was impossible to see him hooked up to all the machines, wi... oct 12 2023 ∞
oct 12 2023 + i miss you a lot. it has been 3.5 months since you died. or went to sleep or whatever happened, but probably you’re just dead and will stay dead. i miss you. today i got a transvaginal ultrasound and it sucked. they said i have PCOS. i could be infertile. im sorry. i think if i told you that you would have held me and comforted me and made me feel less defective. maybe you would have been sad. i feel a bit sad. i sometimes think if i had a baby it would be you reincarnated and reborn again. that would be amazing. ill write more tomorrow. i love you. aug 21 2023 ∞
aug 25 2023 + |
movies we used to watch / that remind me of you - the neverending story - time bandits - pee wee’s big adventure - snow white - pinocchio - napoleon dynamite - american graffiti - night of the hunter - little shop of horrors - heidi - the wizard of oz feb 4 2024 ∞
feb 4 2024 + i never planned on getting married nor do i want to now but i wish my grandma could have spoken to my boyfriend again. they met twice and it was brief and she asked me a lot about him when id see her but i never got to take him to california with us nor did she interrogate him. she saw me graduate and finish my first year of university and was with me from my birth at least every week until i moved out. she was like another parent or i guess she and my grandpa were like a unit of parent. she took me to school and we were late every time because we ate a slow egg breakfast together in the mornings and we’d watch movies super late into the night. she only ate butter and no salt on her popcorn and after we ate it in the bed we’d strip the bed and shake it off so all the kernels and bits of popcorn wouldn’t poke us when we slept. she taught me how to fold laundry (making the corners kiss... aug 25 2023 ∞
aug 25 2023 + |
today is July 16th 2025. I am in my mom's bed right now flipping through movies, trying to find something to watch. she's in Utah right now with Sunny and Emily for a Sunrider thing. She said it's all Korean Mormons there, and that this guy thought she was Mormon for some reason. My mom thinks Koreans have giant heads and faces, like model faces but sculpted and huge. I don't remember you having any strong opinions on Koreans. Grandma, I miss you so much, I don't know what to do with all of how it feels a lot of the time. I'm going to apply to dental school next Spring and I'm getting my hours in at an office by my mom's. I'm doing well in school, and starting an internship where I get to date artifacts from Peru and Greece in a lab. I just wish I could say something to you. Even if you didn't respond, just to know you heard me. I think about that a lot. Sometimes I make mistakes and forge... jul 17 2025 ∞
jul 17 2025 + grandma, if i coud do it all over, maybe going back a couple of years, mid-high school, maybe sooner, i would take care of you. knowing what i know now, how it feels to have lost you, how it's hurt grandpa, mom, tommy, robert, scott, the cousins, sydney, christian, and elijah especially, even my dad's parents, i wish i could and would have taken care of you more. grandpa took care of you nearly around the clock, but i wonder if you would have responded better if i had taken you out to walk sometimes, or cooked for you more. i wish i could go to your house every day now and cook for you. we could eat the same thing i usually made--the eggs over rice, bok choy, green onions, cucumber salad, some fruit, and fortune delight or cali with stevia. i wish i could talk you into getting up and walking around outside with me, even just for 5 minutes--to the next house down and back. i wish i could go... aug 26 2023 ∞
aug 26 2023 + |