- June 28th, 2010: spilled frappuccinos, laughs, and bitter feelings
- October 10th, 2010: tumblr
- October 12th, 2010: Grease
- June 28th, 2011: Richard
- September 29th, 2011: kitshouse
- October 21st, 2011: Death Cab for Cutie
- November 18th - 20th, 2011: CONNECTMUN and Zimbabwe
- December 31st, 2011: prayers and worry
- January 21st, 2012: you're in the hospital, I can't study, and who the fuck is Carolina?
- January 25, 2012: parabens -- I'm glad you're alive
- March 2nd - 4th, 2012: CAHSMUN and dirty socials
- March 11th, 2012: anhele/poems
- March 19th, 2012: you sort of know
- April 2nd, 2012: first mix CD, first song made me cry
- April 3rd, 2012: "hold my hand, I am afraid"
- April 10th - 13th, 2012: camp (Angus, reunions, happiness)
- May 9th, 2012: and just like that, you disappeared
- May 12th, 2012: stop bleeding and start resisting
- May 25th, 2012: Bon Iver
- May 31st, 2012: you're back? (you're not)
- June 8th, 2012: talking in a McDonald's until 4 pm, we learned so much about each other
- June 28th, 2012: 16 and suicidal
- July 4th, 2012: your collection of poems begin
- July 24th, 2012: Jeff
- July 31st, 2012: upsidedown happiness
- August 1st - 29th, 2012: family reunions
- September 6th, 2012: "I just want to let you know, I do know part of what you’re going through but not everything… Don’t ask how or what I do know, I feel awful not asking you or doing anything about it but I was afraid I’d be invading your privacy. Point is… I’m here to hear you out. Thanks for looking out for me"
- September 7th, 2012: uniforms, cigarettes, and getting stared at in a parking lot
- September 14th, 2012: you saved my life again
- September 28th, 2012: heart to heart in the rain, you made me promise to stop and gave me a month to seek help
- October 15th, 2012: I am alone in a sea of laughter
- October 2nd, 2012: cigarettes in deck 5
- October 27th, 2012: fright night
- November 5th, 2012: you two were walking out of the counselling office, you looked at me with worry, I told you it was fine
- November 6th, 2012: I lied, how could you have betrayed me?
- November 11th, 2012: "...mom?" I need help
- November 28th - December 1st, 2012: San Francisco, RHSMUN
- December 6th, 2012: uniforms, cigarettes, and heart to hearts in a parking lot; last cigarette to date.
- December 15th, 2012: wisdom teeth
- December 30th, 2012: I feared all of next month but you saved my life
- January 12th, 2013: theatre
- January 25, 2013: parabens -- you hurt me
- January 30th, 2013: "no please I need to study socials I'm going to fail" "you're going to bed with me, I don't trust that you'll be safe if I leave you alone"
- February 1st, 2013: I didn't kill myself, wow
- March 4th, 2013: physics class is the best place to talk about gay fanfiction and lesbian porn
- March 13th, 2013: diagnosed; went for coffee with mom at the cafe we used to go to when we first arrived
- March 20th, 2013: Tanya
- March 26th, 2013: "I don't want to do to you what he did to me"
- March 27th, 2013: DBT
- March 29th, 2013: you're back? (you are)
- April 21st, 2013: first time I ever saw you cry
- May 8th, 2013: so St. Cyr can really see through me, huh
- May 18th, 2013: walking down Kingsway wearing a white dress and veil, with King Henry and a film camera
- May 21st - 24th, 2013: camp (reunions, challenges, love)
- June 28th, 2013: 17 and happy
- July 5th, 2013: you're back but I realize you're destroying me -- leave me alone.
- July 12th, 2013: I wrote you your last poem, and you will never see any of them
- July 25th, 2013: I've been blind this whole time, but you're so sweet
- August 7th, 2013: I love everything
- August 9th, 2013: I'm in love
- August 24th, 2013: you're back but I don't want to be around you anymore. I don't care that you're sorry, I'm done.
- September 6th, 2013: and on the 3rd day, I fuck everything up // mom, I have a girlfriend
- September 7th, 2013: I have you and I couldn't be happier
- September 13th, 2013: I feel nothing
- September 25th, 2013: stop trying to help you're just making everything worse
- September 27th, 2013: I hadn't laughed like that in such a long time
- September 28th, 2013: "I can't be here without wanting to hurt myself. I'll be back by 4"
- September 30th, 2013: I'm so oblivious and that can cost me happiness.
- October 1st, 2013: she goes out with her friend
- October 4th, 2013: "How are things?" "Bad. More than bad"
- October 7th, 2013: paper cut (me) out // two months, my love
- October 9th, 2013: Vanessa is a lovely person
- October 10th, 2013: skipped second block, went to the beach and pondered my options. Went to school and cried during class, because this isn't anything that I want.
- October 14th, 2013: I am now the laughter
- October 15th, 2013: Pajamas, cold food, cheesecake, and saying prayer in front of the entire school. I can rely on Karen.
- October 17th, 2013: fog and decisions that made my mother cry
- October 18th, 2013: thank you, Mrs. McGuinty
- October 25th, 2013: "Ms. Eng!" "Claudia!" + a hug and a very heartfelt thank you.
- October 31st, 2013: the moment I heard the words "there's a package for you," I was overwhelmed with joy
- November 10th, 2013: iHop, steveston (closed museums), chai tea lattes, cold air, piers, selfies for days, Aberdeen, sticky pix. Finally a hang out after nearly 2 months of no life.
- November 21st, 2013: I am sick. Whatever that means.
- November 23rd, 2013: you hate affection yet you admitted to wanting me to hug you. I'll look out for you always.
- November 26th, 2013: give up on me.
- November 27th, 2013: old highs
- November 5th, 2013: a much needed heart to heart. I missed you
- November 7th, 2013: even though I didn't get to skype you, I was still more than happy today
- November 8th, 2013: remembrance day assembly. Marching on stage is awkward
- December 2nd, 2013: "odio a este PUTO colegio"
- December 3rd, 2013: "God, I've been through hell in this school"
- December 7th, 2013: everything could be awful but I still have you. Happy four months~ // I applied to UBC?
- December 11th, 2013: went to the beach instead of school, took pictures and watched a lady dance by the shore
- December 13th, 2013: I am worthless don't touch me
- December 17th, 2013: what am I again?
- December 18th, 2013: small victories // made the cut for the school play
- December 19th, 2013: snuck out and ran like hell. God will forgive me for this one // fuck you and your close mindedness; I'm sick of being friends with you
- December 21st, 2013: a hug and a shoulder squeeze and I'm happy again
- December 24th, 2013: best Christmas Eve I've had in a while. I feel whole.
- December 31st, 2013: panic, self loathing, but still a good New Year's Eve.
- January 2nd, 2014: Fluoxetine // Zumba Toning
- January 7th, 2014: happy 5 months
- January 15th, 2014: art class is ok until my nails get brittle
- January 25th, 2014: exams begin and I want to die
- January 31st, 2014: goodbye kerrisdale // coming of age movie moments with Erika
- February 1st, 2014: finished moving at 5 am, Denny's at 6 am, sleep at 7 am // I'll miss my home
- February 3rd, 2014: cigarettes found and caffeine overdose so strong I passed out on the street
- February 14th, 2014: lonely Valentine's day
- February 15th, 2014: kids and the game of Life
- February 22nd, 2014: The Audition
- February 28th, 2014: coffee > english class
- March 7th, 2014: 7 months // encounter: I hate it here
- March 8th, 2014: everyone cried at my story, but I didn't cry at theirs
- March 9th, 2014: "I don't know... I want to go home" // "you're a very eloquent speaker // Ève gives the best hugs
- March 10th, 2014: Kaitlyn // home
- April 5th, 2014: happy birthday, love // Dede, Erika, and Karen are gone for 8 days... How am I supposed to go on?
- April 13th, 2014: Fluoxetine, Venlafaxine // FRANCE PEOPLE GET HOME TODAY
- April 22nd, 2014: "mom, you're tough and invincible"
- May 2nd, 2014: pre grad, dancing, coming outs, and tears at a McDonald's
- May 5th, 2014: haircuts make you look gayer
- May 6th, 2014: I... Might be going to VC grad?
- May 10th, 2014: Saurabh and McDonald's. No Kevin
- May 16th, 2014: VC grad // ditched by my date after dinner // danced with girls and had a great time anyway
- May 25th, 2014: 2 years // depression canvas
- May 30th, 2014: camp // I'm whole again
- June 5th, 2014: I graduated with a cigarette in hand and tears in my eyes
- June 6th, 2014: worst relapse to date // painful grad // homophobic comments from my father sent me to tears // drunk after grad // Alex, Ari, Ariella, Christian, Dede, Erika, and Reggie are a good time
- June 7th, 2014: happy 8 months
- June 8th, 2014: stopped taking my medication for 3 days and ended up in the ER due to withdrawals
- June 14th, 2014: CBC music fest with Dede // Arkells and Tegan and Sara // dancing and waiting in the rain
- June 17th, 2014: "your expression makes my skin crawl" thanks, mother
- June 19th, 2014: email from Ms Tarnowski, she's a sweetheart
- June 25th, 2014: VC graduation. Screamed at Ari's, Reggie's, Alex's and Saurabh's names
- June 26th, 2014: July 24th-31st
- June 28th, 2014: birthday // sleepover at Erika's with her and Laura // Julie cooking Cornbeef // suicide // crying at 3 am
- June 30th, 2014: I hate cheaters
- July 1st, 2014: U pick in Ladner and pancakes
- July 3rd, 2014: homemade fruit tarts and fun
- July 9th, 2014: I am a waste of money. $200 for meds? No thanks
- July 24th, 2014: flying to Tennessee, my dream has come true // first encounter -- you're real and you're next to me // first kisses, first times, firsts for everything
- July 25th, 2014: creek, Lakota, exchange of gifts, grocery shopping, sleeping together
- July 26th, 2014: smoothies, cheesecake, movies, chipotle, sleeping together
- July 27th, 2014: coming out, double dates
- July 28th, 2014: shopping, meeting the family, swimming, baby albums
- July 29th, 2014: skype, swimming, zumba, walking down memory lane
- July 30th, 2014: friends, picnic, downtown, anxiety, movies, last days
- July 31st, 2014: waking up late, packing, crying, goodbyes
- August 1st, 2014: I can't go to pride, thanks dad
- August 2nd, 2014: industrial piercing
- August 7th, 2014: happy one year, Montana
- August 8th, 2014: I can hold my own hand but I can't kiss my own neck
- August 18th - 24th, 2014: Sunshine Coast with Laura and her famiy/dog
- August 26th, 2014: last day with Dede, I'll miss you // "I'm gonna fuck EVERYBODY at university"
- August 27th, 2014: falling outs with Laura // 45 pills and alcohol // hospital // Aiden, the desperate virgin
- August 29th, 2014: scary shadows at night, but Jamie is nice // Eric and Jackie and Steve and Rustam
- August 30th, 2014: Brian the prisioner, Val the preacher // visits from Karen and Erika and Dr. Chan
- August 31st, 2014: transferred to UBC and sleeping pills
- September 1st, 2014: crying during interviews means no freedom granted // calls from Montana, visits from Karen, Mitche, and Erika // Daniel the pianist
- September 2nd, 2014: Erika, Ari, Reggie, Mitche and Hon are great // I hate Laura
- September 3rd, 2014: talks with mom about my future, family, and Montana // no more school
- September 4th, 2014: Yana, Erika, and McDonald's// Axe // pianos
- September 8th, 2014: out for Zumba, I missed Tanya // 14 cigarettes // called the cops for Laura, but they didn't believe me
- September 9th, 2014: out for good. Thank god
- September 10th, 2014: I have done so much for you, I hate you
- September 17th, 2014: resumes give me anxiety
- September 19th, 2014: hung out with Olivia for the first time in a long time // beer and ranting
- September 28th, 2014: WE'RE ALL CANCERS, AHHHH // longboard races with Ari, Erika, and Reggie
- October 5th, 2014: lonely // I hate sleeping alone because I dream of you and when I wake up you're not there
- October 6th, 2014: great day: got complimented, applied to volunteer, thrifted, got an interview
- October 9th, 2014: talks with St. Cyr. He's a good time
- October 13th, 2014: lonely thanksgiving
- October 20th, 2014: blood alley and grindcore // Nick and Sky and Hannah and Diamond
- October 21st, 2014: highlights in my hair
- October 26th, 2014: blood alley and folk punk //kitty claws
- October 27th, 2014: started work
- October 29th, 2014: got fired. I am useless
- October 31st, 2014: drinks, drinks, and more drinks // drunken dancing, drunken wrestling // boys trying to kiss me (lol) // panic attacks and spilling my guts about how lonely I am
- November 2nd, 2014: second attempt. 15 tylenol // hospital // ER with everyone // sneaking out with my IV to smoke cigarettes // being held
- November 3rd, 2014: my friends keep me sane
- November 4th, 2014: discharged // broke down at topshop and wished myself dead
- November 7th, 2014: 1 year and 3 months // out with Reggie // heart to hearts // I wanted to kiss you when you held me
- November 8th, 2014: you kissed me, and it felt right
- November 9th, 2014: I can't keep it a secret anymore. I can't keep my feelings hidden anymore
- November 11th, 2014: goodbye, Montana
- November 15th, 2014: "I wont ever, ever, let anybody use you" // sneaking in to a bar to watch a punk show // drunk and happy but then sober and anxious
- November 24th, 2014: worst relapse to date
- November 28th, 2014: purged
- December 4th, 2014: third attempt is the charm? // messages from Kaitlyn and Danielle
- December 5th, 2014: I don't know my feelings
- December 8th, 2014: happy one month // zippo // pregnancy scares // don't you fucking hurt my best friend
- December 11th, 2014: Dede came home
- December 17th, 2014: hung out with Mitche, Karen and Erika. Reunited // you kept things from me when you promised me honesty. Maybe that's how it feels and I deserve it, but I won't bear it anymore // it's done, we're done. Not even friends // broke down right after our skype call and told my friends all I wanted to do was kill myself
- December 18th, 2014: home of the holidays: reunions, compliments, and fake laughter // lazy day at home // sadder than ever
- December 19th, 2014: suicidal // "I'm glad I hurt... Isn't it great that I'm like this because I gave you something you didn't deserve. It's fantastic" // chugged 5 beers in 30 minutes. Purged. Ate. Purged more // messages from Bailey, Kaitlyn, Erika and Niki
- December 20th, 2014: Alex, Christian, Ariella, Ari, Reggie and Erika // you tried to keep me from purging and we hit each other and I said it was over... But it isn't. And I'm glad I have you in my life.
- December 21st, 2014: shoplifting // messages from Dolma, Joe, and Richard
- December 22nd, 2014: surprised at zumba due to Mitche and Hon // Christmas dinner at Ari's // anxiety, but overall a good night
- December 23rd, 2014: Christmas shopping // lazy day at Reggie's house // naps and sushi
- December 24th, 2014: hung out with Richard // a really good Christmas Eve
- December 26th, 2014: I feel betrayed and I want to die. 7 days.
- December 28th, 2014: shopping // ditched by Antonette // parents found pills -- I will die.
- December 31st, 2014: lame party, spent new year's on the streets // sober
- January 1st, 2015: lazy day // naps and food // Christian moved to a new place // drunk
- January 2nd, 2015: drowsy the entire day // Christian's place // cider and beer
- January 11th, 2015: spent the last 4 days at home with him at night, and it's never felt lovelier.
- January 13th, 2015: exploring my neighbourhood -- things are lovely when they're hidden
- January 15th, 2015: I have money and I want to buy pills. It's what I deserve, for being a lying and cheating whore.
- January 16th, 2015: rough day
- January 17th, 2015: double date with Ari, Erika and Reggie. Things are alright.
- January 18th, 2015: stealing pills and food, only to have them be stolen from me // that day would have been perfect: the perfect day to die
- January 19th, 2015: stealing pills again, I will die this time // sex, laughter, but suicidal mind // 15 Tylenol // hospital
- January 20th, 2015: discharged. The more times I go to the hospital, the less time I spend in the psych ward. It's like they've given up on me // still sad, still not sorry // "you're annoying" "haha, I can deal with that" // naps and sex
- January 22nd, 2015: two guys approached us and started speaking Spanish to me, it was cute // I'm a terrible friend, I'm sorry Mitche // coffee shops with Reggie Erika and Olivia // stealing food because we're so poor
- January 25th, 2015: ate the minimum, cried about my weight for the first time in ages // you wanted to meet up at 6, then delayed it to 8:30, then to 9, and then you showed up drunk. I'm pathetic for being so needy, but today I really needed you.
- January 27th, 2015: Enrique cancelled on me. Maybe he's given up on me, too // getting a call from Olivia crying and going to see her at LFA. Exam week is hell // terrible sushi // good day
- January 28th, 2015: "you don't care about anything and anyone. You just drop them and don't care" thanks, mother // thank you's to Tanya for giving me 7 DVDs of zumba workouts // Deacon, Ari, Erika, and Reggie // I will have a full blown ED I promise
- January 30th, 2015: weed, weed, more weed // Olivia, Erika then Ari and Reggie // bonfire at kits // everyone was there // everyone was upset and it upset me
- January 31st, 2015: fine, be alone if you want to // my bpd tendencies can interfere with my relationships, fuck // shit day
- February 3rd, 2015: I'm huge and I hate myself // saw American Sniper and hated it
- February 4th, 2015: sleeping until 4, what am I doing with my life?
- February 5th, 2015: I hate myself I hate my life
- February 6th, 2015: Deacon's birthday party. Drank 6 beers and didn't even get buzzed // I'm trying not to give a shit, fuck is it hard
- February 7th, 2015: I am a whore // suicidal
- February 8th, 2015: 3 months // sat down and read again for the first time in years. I missed this
- February 10th, 2015: OITNB marathon with Bon's and sushi
- February 14th, 2015: Valentine's day. With good company and good food.
- February 16th, 2015: ditched. I care too much about things and no one cares about me // I want to punish them. I want to be dead // fuck you
- February 17th, 2015: I GOT HIRED
- February 19th, 2015: I wish I meant all I said // "have we had an interview?" "no? I just got a survey" "oh, I'm sorry, I must have gotten the wrong Claudia" // tears
- February 20th, 2015: work then swimming then indian buffet then purging // anxiety
- February 21st, 2015: anxious
- February 22nd, 2015: anxious and sad // goodbye
- February 25th, 2015: first day at Public Outreach. I fail miserably // sex and pho
- February 26th, 2015: all of my friends prefer her over me. I hate myself
- March 2nd, 2015: Public Outreach day 1: 70 signatures // dead feet // nipple piercing for Erika
- March 3rd, 2015: Public Outreach day 2: 12 signatures // fired // suicidal
- March 4th, 2015: disability cheque application // $235 is almost nothing, but has to count for something
- March 13th, 2015: Eric's frat party. Fucked
- March 15th, 2015: Christian's birthday. Sober
- March 16th, 2015: weight watchers. Hello ED
- March 17th, 2015: Wreck Beach // naked with everyone // stairs are killer and I need to lose weight
- March 19th, 2015: I owe the bank money
- March 21st, 2015: Seattle. Bought makeup and clothes and ate like a pig
- March 22nd, 2015: arguments // home // Eric and Erika
- March 29th, 2015: suicidal and lonely // he came up to me and held me and let me cry. I love him.
- March 30th, 2015: I made him cry. I'm a monster
- March 31st, 2015: "you were the perfect interview, unfortunately..." I'm never good enough
- April 1st, 2015: Erika moved out and I'm jealous
- April 3rd, 2015: you don't want to see me? Ok. I love you
- April 4th, 2015: fell asleep and you were mad // you made a racist comment and I got triggered and sad // "you can reconsider our relationship if you want to" // purged
- April 8th, 2015: happy 5 months
- April 9th, 2015: crying for 3-4 hours straight. I hate my parents // I will move out soon or I will die soon
- April 11th, 2015: "do you think we're worth it?" "I'll have to think about it" // breaks // funny how it's the 11th, funny how this break feels permanent // Erika's house
- April 13th, 2015: anxiety at 2 am, phone call at 3, tears at 4, and bike rides at 5 // "what's the big deal?" My heart's at play, that's the big deal // went to lfa and they accused me of harassment // "so we're done?" "...yes" // goodbyes
- April 14th, 2015: started the day off without my parents home, only to find out that my mom is in the hospital // mom comes home later, it was only a really strong migraine // saw Laura and her dog, they were therapy // mac n cheese is my diet now
- April 15th, 2015: gave back your clothes. You greeted me with a hug and it felt like a knife through the chest // "maybe we were only meant to be for a moment" "you got a point there" // spent the night at Erika's because home felt so unnatural
- April 16th, 2015: texted you at 12 saying I missed you, you later said to not text you anything like that ever again // little sleep // went home and slept and slept and when night came I burst into tears // "we need a break for a few days" because I make you angry now // I am empty and unwanted and broken
- April 17th, 2015: sushi and the beach with dad // therapeutic moments with Valeria // work with mom: these two girls told me I deserved better // ran into you by accident at Erika's house, you barely said hey and left right away // I tried to talk to you but you got pissed off and told me to leave you alone // when I looked into your eyes I only saw hate and it cut me right through // talks with Max
- April 18th, 2015: everyone was doing cocaine but I didnt, I had a heart to heart with Deacon instead.
- April 20th, 2015: saw Antonette in the psych ward
- April 22nd, 2015: LFA for the last time // they said I cornered students and messed them up // Reggie texted me saying he was sorry for upsetting me // I just want to lay face down on the grass and quietly pass away
- April 23rd, 2015: hung out with Reggie and it was probably the most fun I've had in weeks // he kissed me and asked me to be fwb, I said yes // all I do is hurt people
- April 24th, 2015: lunch with Leah, she's a cutie // saw Reggie and acted like a couple the entire time // work then Erika's house // Max asked to cuddle and I thought it was harmless, but he ended up liking me
- April 25th, 2015: please stop suffocating me, please stop going too fast
- April 26th, 2015: cuddles that turned into sex that turned into cuddles that turned into sex
- April 27th, 2015: I'm so fucking tired
- April 29th, 2015: sick of your shit, sick of the drugs, sick of life
- May 1st, 2015: kids are hell // "I got kissed by a girl and a boy tonight what'd you do"
- May 8th, 2015: goodbye Ari // Reggie's house
- May 10th, 2015: happy Mother's Day // happy birthday baby, don't grow up like me
- May 13th, 2015: depression: 1082926, claudia: 0
- May 19th, 2015: Mad Max and so much bullshit I want to gauge my eyes out
- May 22nd, 2015: I'm a horrible person! Not like I warned you! Whoa surprise!
- May 25th, 2015: goodbye
- May 27th, 2015: my dad got hired but I still feel like a burden
- May 29th, 2015: I wish I was 15 again so I could kill myself and not have dealt with 4 years of false hope // party at New Brighton, I'm 11 again
- May 30th, 2015: OITNB marathon with food and drinks // tears // "you're not alone" "the fucked up thing is.. I wish I was. Then no one would care if I died"
- June 3rd, 2015: I'm glad you're happy. Goodbye.
- June 4th, 2015: déjà vu from the psych ward, from my past // you're happy
- June 9th, 2015: therapy. Lab results say if I don't stop I may be dependent on insulin for the rest of my life.
- June 10th, 2015: "your application to ubc got cancelled"
- June 20th, 2015: only good day in the past 2 months. But that never lasts // drunk
- June 22nd, 2015: I don't mean anything
- June 23rd, 2015: coughing so bad I can't breathe, if this is what I hope it is, I hope it ends soon.
- June 26th, 2015: Peruvian food // what's better than 1? 5
- June 27th, 2015: Steveston with Vanessa Dede and Brittanie // very sober but okay
- June 28th, 2015: I would've prefered no message as supposed to that. Happy birthday to me.
- June 29th, 2015: woke up dizzy // last therapy session; didn't even make it to the hour // "you're at high risk for suicide" well, no shit
- July 1st, 2015: tried shopping for clothes but not even a large fits me. I'm a whale // fireworks with Laura, Ami, Reggie, Erika, Max, Christian, Ari, Ève, Amanda and Chloe
- July 3rd, 2015: I hope you're not leading me on, but I also know better
- July 4th, 2015: White Rock with family: everyone was fighting and I felt like dying
- July 5th, 2015: Victor asked for nudes and I didn't know what to say; ended up being rude
- July 7th, 2015: looked at my naked body in the mirror and cried. This time last year I was still thin and loved // the strongest urge to self harm
- July 10th, 2015: planning a surprise party for Erika's 19th // I feel like I could die any second and things would be okay still
- July 12th, 2015: woke up, did some last minute shopping, barely took time to rest // got to Erika's, and slowly people started coming in // we all hid in her room and when she came in, we yelled out "surprise!" But she didn't look pleased // she asked if we could go someplace else, and that was the moment that I felt my skin bubble up until it popped // left early and slept
- July 13th, 2015: woke up crying, kept crying, fell asleep // the shit loser friend with no job or ambitions is me, no wonder no one cares about me // I need a service dog, maybe that will make me feel like I matter // you cared but now you're with her and you're happy so Ill leave you be
- July 14th, 2015: smoked a cigarette at 3 am because I was almost about to self harm. Mom yells at me and I yell back // I need a xanax // 3 hour episode where my emotions would go from sad, to angry, to suicidal, to numb every 5 minutes // saw Reggie, accidentally bought him the wrong beer, then my pants tore (again) and I started crying. I'm just a fat failure // went home early even thought Reggie's birthday was the next day
- July 16th, 2015: woke up at 4 am because Reggie called, drunk as shit, to see how I was doing // he told me he had a date and I didn't care much // it's okay
- July 18th, 2015: folk fest and Ari's birthday // met Matt and danced around the beach // crashed at Reggie's and I gave him and hickey, which he got upset over because of his date the next day // I wanted to die
- July 19th, 2015: Tyler's bbq // not drunk at all and lonely // Matt kissed me and I felt weird // told Reggie and Montana and while one was okay, the other told me to shut the fuck up // made out with Ryan and kept hearing loud comments from Reggie that made me feel guilty so we stopped // I asked Reggie where he was going after, and he told me to shut up again, so I snapped and started to argue // we came to the agreement to just not care about each other's dates or hookups // went home with him and we met a sex worker. We have her booze and smokes and hugs, because that takes courage
- July 21st, 2015: Wreck beach with Laura, Erika and Ari // I need to lose weight before we go on holiday
- July 22nd, 2015: hung out with Laura and Erika // back to zumba
- July 24th, 2015: bars with Dede, Reggie, Erika, Ari and Nia
- July 25th, 2015: saw Reggie for a bit in the afternoon, then he went to a show // he called me hours later because he was high and freaking out // I felt lonely and sad // started crying out of nowhere and felt more alone that ever // 8 months self harm free, 3 months purge free, 6 months since my last suicide attempt
- July 26th, 2015: woke up and felt like dying, slept and woke up again anxious // all I could hear was yelling so I started yelling at them to stop and burst into tears // left home soon after that and spent the day and night with Reggie
- July 28th, 2015: the beginning of that journey, 8 years ago // Spencer's party // got fucked with 2 shots of fireball and 3 vodka coolers
- July 30th, 2015: fair game // LFA's fucked
- August 1st, 2015: ditched and alone
- August 2nd, 2015: pride with Laura // met up with Ari and Erika and then Reggie came by but ignored me, or maybe I ignored him // 2 am talks
- August 8th, 2015: failed attempts at trying to crash at Reggie's // sadness // "not everything's about you"
- August 11th, 2015: consumed by the thought of death // "you have your shit together"
- August 12th, 2015: hung out wth Olivia again, with Erika and Angela // crashed at Erika's
- August 13th, 2015: wreck beach with Olivia and Erika // 2 lines of MDMA and nothing so there goes any hope of getting high lmao
- August 14th, 2015: wreck again with Angela and Olivia // sober // Angela met these french guys that looked over 25, they bought us drink and offered us a ride // beautiful spa but what if it's something else? // Angela gave my number out to one of the guys without telling me and I freaked
- August 15th, 2015: hung out with Mitche, Brit, Emmy and Andrea // 2 hours later they leave and I'm sad and lonely // Dede can't make it clubbing so there goes my hopes of turning the day around // crashed at Reggie's
- August 16th, 2015: burger fest // saw so many people I hadn't seen in a while // "show me the coke"
- August 17th, 2015: crying before 7 am // I could send 9 months of self harm down the drain any minute now
- August 18th, 2015: I have a feeling that this school year is going to be bad, very bad // hung out with Dede and Olivia, got drunk in Stanley Park and had positive talk with them
- August 19th, 2015: saw Reggie for an hour // Zumba with Olivia // frat party with Ariella, it wasn't that fun. Got grinded on with a guy who liked Absolut vodka and gave a fake number. Saw a lot of people from lfa, including Robyn
- August 20th, 2015: saw Reggie, went to his house, things went back to normal // packing // you were drunk and we argued and you said you wouldn't be with her if I wanted to be with you. I was numb.
- August 21st, 2015: 16 hours of planes and airports // Dallas sucks but whatever // went outside the Cancun airport and felt like I was melting away // open bars and room service free of charge
- August 22nd, 2015: first day in the pool/beach, got tan and almost burned so for the first time in years i slathered on sunscreen // someone had a wedding at the beach in the hotel and that made me realize if I were to have a wedding, that would be it
- August 24th, 2015: friends with Roberto the bartender // those bpd feels man
- August 25th, 2015: played beach volleyball and I sucked, but I had so much fun // water polo in the pool after and my bathing suit wouldn't stay put // saw a thunderstorm from my balcony. One of the lightning strikes illuminated the whole sky and you could see all the clouds, it was beautiful
- August 26th, 2015: woke up at 7 because we were going on a tour and my mom thought we were getting picked up at 10. It was at 8 and we missed it // met the couple who got married here, Ashley and Oakley. They were super open minded and they said I had a great head on my shoulders // jacuzzi and wine
- August 27th, 2015: a hole opened in the middle of the highway Cancun - Playa del Carmen // took a tour to Tulúm but we had to wait over an hour bc no cars were passing through the highway // it was hot and humid and I was bitten to death by Mosquitos // found a beach and went swimming with clothes and all and got to the hotel soaked but happy // Roberto wasn't in today but I met Raul and Carlos, the guys filling in for Roberto. Raul was awkward but Carlos was hilarious
- August 28th, 2015: got picked up an hour earlier than scheduled because of the highway, but cars were already passing through so we got there earlier too // waited in the airport for 4 hours and there was no internet or air con // got on the shittiest plane // Phoenix sucks too // home // you were drunk and you told me you wanted me and missed me. It was triggering something in me so I told you it made me uncomfortable
- August 29th, 2015: Reggie's place. Hearing "bbg!!" For the first time in a week made me that much happier // storms, power outages, closed down stores, falling trees // spent the night and watched Netflix
- August 30th, 2015: last hang out with Dede before she leaves // Olivia joins us and we fuck around downtown, loitering starbucks' and talking about sex and very tmi stuff // Olivia and I chilled for a bit after Dede left and we talked about fucked up relationships // found out the Red Flavor of my pack of Lucky Strikes is cherry
- August 31st, 2015: met up with Reggie, chilled in the dog park until it started to rain // met up with Ariella and Christian later on and went to a 24/7 bakery on Davie // came home at 1 am
- September 1st, 2015: woke up sad and anxious because school is starting so soon and I am so not ready // mom bought me a mocha and made me some soup to make me feel better // "we made it official on Sunday" "oh" "yeah" // a really bad panic attack and all of a sudden I'm in the shower trying to purge // went out to meet with Reggie and I was trying so hard to hold back tears // barely ate and walked around metrotown for hours
- September 2nd, 2015: I'm switching birth controls from the depo-provera shot to mirena IUD // when the clamp that goes into your vagina to look at your cervix went in, something in me snapped // crying, panicking, pleading the doctor to stop // came out crying with a $350 IUD in my hands and apologizing to my mom // terrible cramps and some bleeding and I am never doing this again // 2 hour therapy session in the afternoon because I'm not sure if I panicked because of bad anxiety or something worse
- September 3rd, 2015: went shopping for clothes with mom. I was freezing // I'm actually terrified of jeans and finding out my size // met up with Reggie and went to his house and I was scared to have sex because of what happened the day before, but it was okay // I'm angry and you're shitty and I didn't deserve this. I'm not here for your selfish needs. I want my stuff back because that's the only thing that can be given back, but even that you won't do
- September 4th, 2015: went out for lunch with mom, kfc is shitty and I hate myself // met up with Olivia and talked and she thanked me for validating her feelings // talked about shitty relationships again and what happened since we last talked // urged Angela to come out because her cat died and I felt bad // Reggie joined us later on and we are some food and chilled until late // Olivia went home and that's when Angela got difficult. We ran into Jordan and Siena and they invited us over to get drunk and Angela didn't want to and got offended over a small thing I said // parted ways with Angela because she ran into her friends and then we wasted 2 hours walking around because Jordan and Siena wanted drugs // went home eventually because we were tired and it was too much waiting // told Reggie about what happened between Montana and I finally and he was nothing but supportive // I'm okay
- September 5th, 2015: morning sex // ate some food and watched Despicable Me on Netflix // went home really late and napped all day // I'm glad you gave me your address because when I get money I will send your stuff back // arguments // so much anger the corners of my sight were fading in and out // stepped outside and threw a glass and cried on the phone because you hurt me, you hurt me
- September 8th, 2015: first day // woke up at 12 instead of 8:30 and only got to the pep rally on time // generic "motivational" speeches and a brief mention about mental health // "I'm guessing some of you are excited" (a lot of cheering) "or some are anxious or overwhelmed?" (one single scream of terror amidst the silence. my scream. my fear) // met up with Reggie and went home after // broke down and begged my mom to let me drop out, said I wasn't going to survive, she didn't help
- September 9th, 2015: woke up late, dad had to drop me off // trying so hard not to throw up in class // forgot to eat all day and did zumba... it was a feeling I missed
- September 10th, 2015: saw Dolma and a bunch of other LFA grads// annoyed at people in my classes // therapy
- September 11th, 2015: long day // met up with Olivia, then Alex, Adam, Reggie, Ari, and John // drank a bit and crashed at Reggie's
- September 12th 2015: got home around 4pm, started to do homework // 5 hrs and only cried once, accomplishment // im a financial burden
- September 13th, 2015: saw Olivia again, we're both talking to our exes again (lol) // saw Erika and went to a bar // "in 5 hours of homework last night I only cried ONCE!" and the bartender laughed // weird and unproductive day
- September 14th, 2015: anxiety, depression, and a fuck ton of suicidal ideation // missed my biology lab on accident and now I'm definitely behind // spent the afternoon and evening with Reggie at my house. Sad after he left // "I couldn't wait for you" okay
- September 15th, 2015: woke up crying and kept crying for the rest of the morning // skipped school and told mom. She wasn't much help // UPS showed up at my door and gave me your package. I forgot how your clothes smelled, it was overwhelming // you hurt me // pho makes me feel better, but only for a bit
- September 16th, 2015: black clothes, black choker, black lips, dark eye makeup. I got many stares during class // met up with Olivia and Reggie, bought some drinking glasses and smashed them under the bridge in Clark drive, got gelato after // what a friend you are
- September 17th, 2015: met up with Erika and I thought it would be us two, but Laura and Ari showed up, as well as Ariella and Nela // we're distant now and I think I'm losing you as my best friend. Whatever // confused in class and upset // therapy was shit and I dissociated and left early // "if you're going to self harm and not eat, but you're gonna succeed, im with you" okay thanks // "I don't know who is me and who is this monster. Are you happy?" I am shitty and I should probably die
- September 18th, 2015: woke up knowing I was going to skip my first class // woke up later, alone, and had everything ready. I wanted to relapse // didn't do it, instead got ready. Mom came home and told me she was proud I at least put an effort into looking good // came home after my one class of the day and slept, then went out again // poutine and Amnesia and I crashed at Reggie's house
- September 19th, 2015: morning sex // came home at 2 pm, did homework for 7-8 hours and did not cry once (bigger accomplishment) // I could have manic depression; it's definitely more pronounced now
- September 20th, 2015: met up with Reggie and went to Pancakes and Jam; sweet venue and idea // met up with Olivia and did homework together in the library and later on Nordstrom // watched Ryan play a show with his new band and he looked so happy // Period Bomb's lead singer threw a bouquet of tampons at me and gave me a kiss // crashed at Erika's
- September 21st, 2015: sleep deprived, whiplash and just a terrible day really
- September 22th, 2015: hung out with Vanessa and Erika // debates with some uneducated asshole from my LAST 100 class // "let's go fight white people"
- September 25th, 2015: class with an asshole privileged white girl // access and diversity: I qualify but I can't be officially given the service until I prove I have anxiety // met up with Reggie and went to English Bay // crashed at his place
- September 26th, 2015: played sims 3 all morning // went home at 6 pm and didn't do homework because I think I'm crashing? // goodbyes are hard and I want to die, but I think this is right.
- September 27th, 2015: suicidal all day // super moon eclipse // met a hitchhiker from Winnipeg who offered me a beer as I was waiting for Reggie bc I looked sad // invited him and his buddy to The Binz show next Friday // drunk off 5 Hey Y'all's bc I didn't eat well all day oops // I wore my DCFC shirt to bed and my last thought before I passed out was "it smells like her and I am a piece of shit"
- September 28th, 2015: hungover as hell, took a Gravol and skipped class // message from Paloma: hung out for the first time since grade 8 and caught up // met a possible gang member who was badly beat up and twitching; he asked if he could steal a phone so he'd get arrested. We went away terrified
- September 29th, 2015: no class today // worked for mom then met up with Erika and chilled all day // had a double date with Ariella, Christian and Reggie but it wasn't that fun // came home and panicked bc im falling behind but doing school work makes me think of how to kill myself/gives me panic attacks // every night is terrible and I wish I could die. I know you're happy and it kills me.
- September 30th, 2015: class // had an interview for a youth mental health research centre. I walked in and it was a room of 50 people and we had to socialize and work in groups // anxious but got paid $30 // watched the Tenant of Wildfell Hall for theatre 130 // went out to drinks with Hannah: one pint of Guinness for me, one bottle of wine for her (Europeans and their wine) // came home to angry parents
- October 1st, 2015: didn't go to class because I didn't do the reading so what is the point // home alone with a lot of cash and a suicide plan... Relapsed instead // seeing how happy you look in every picture kind of fueled me to hurt myself, but I'm not blaming you and it is okay // met up with Erika and chilled in a parking lot of a Tim Horton's as she threw up and Dunbar moms came by to offer us some help // Reggie crashed at my place, so I wasn't lonely
- October 2nd, 2015: late to my essay, also failed it // stayed with Reggie all day, going into Lush and Starbucks and then my house for food and sex and shitty 80s movies // saw Erika for a bit and caught up // went to see The Binz - falling asleep until they came on, dancing around later, came out sore and exhausted
- October 3rd, 2015: woke up and Reggie's and stayed the morning there // went home and got a text from Olivia saying Marcco ditched her and she wanted to meet up // drank some ciders and talked at the docs
- October 4th, 2015: went to Metrotown with Reggie and ate some food, then met up with my parents to buy my Halloween costume and have gelato, then met up with Reggie again // watched The Visit... It was boring // self hatred, so much self hatred
- October 5th, 2015: sitting in English 110 and I feel the ground and table shaking? // theatre 130: white girl tried to correct me and said that Selena Gomez was Mexican, not Latina // gave up and didn't go to Spanish // Reggie came over and we just played board games and are some shitty ribs // very lonely at night // "it's funny how we were different [in dealing with our breakup]. I just lived my life" while I cried a lot. Did you even love me
- October 6th, 2015: worked and again no kids // went to UBC and requested medical records, good job // met up with Erika and caught up some more // was supposed to watch a movie wit Christian, Ariella and Reggie, but I was feeling so shitty I bailed // came home early and my mom asked why, I gave her a shit excuse and I don't think she believed me // I haven't seen my therapist in 3 weeks // someone jumped on to the skytrain and someone else wanted to throw themselves off the HWY 1 bridge. I wish that had been me
- October 7th, 2015: happy birthday, dad // skipped class and signed up for a puppy therapy session, went with Ariella and spent half and hour petting dogs // all the dogs flocked to me because I had eaten a hot dog so my hands smelled like it // I want to die lmao look at her family be so supportive, look at her be so perfect. She's literally a step up from me in every way // dinner: I hadn't eaten for 8 hours and when I finally could, I couldn't. My fear of choking on food kept me from enjoying myself and the arguments didn't help // mom saw my scars and freaked out (typical)
- October 8th, 2015: Richmond with mom, she apologized // went to the puppy therapy session again, except all slots were full and I needed to pay if I wanted to go in. Turned around sad // hung out with Ariella and Laura and then ran into Angela and Jett and later Erika and Matt came by // felt lonely and went home to sleep // Skyped for the first time in months, and it felt weird // I wasn't the only one who felt that, right? // Erika did down last month, I found out only two days ago and not even the full story
- October 9th, 2015: skipped English, makeup test for Spanish, rested at the sub and ran into Julie // went home and hung out with Reggie // Adam's party: boring and full of drunk metalheads that wanted to fight // upset about Erika
- October 10th, 2015: went home, texted Erika, got upset
- October 11th, 2015: plans with Olivia got cancelled // skyped Montana and got sad and angry bc why do people always ignore me? I'm literally right here and you choose to do something else // went out: last minute plans with Ariella, invited to have thanksgiving dinner with her family
- October 12th, 2015: Reggie came over // Denny's for breakfast and potluck for lunch // Netflix marathon and naps and my bed collapsed twice bc it can't hold the weight of two people // Lance's gathering after with Dana, Meghan and Tyler // crashed at Erika's and had a talk
- October 13th, 2015: tagged along with Erika all day at ubc, then went home to read // found out I only printed out a third of what I needed to read, gave up instantly // doesn't feel like we're just being friends, but I'm pathetic and I'll take all I can get
- October 14th, 2015: ground is still shaking in English class, I am also doomed for this in class essay // went home after class and slept and slept and didn't see anyone // dropped out of Latin American studies bc there's no way I'll ever catch up. I'm sorry.
- October 15th, 2015: I already have borderline stop messing me up please
- October 16th, 2015: arguments because I can't take it anymore, why am I your second choice // wrote a shitty essay and called it a day // went home and showered and skyped bc you were sick and I felt bad // hung out with Olivia, Erika and Reggie at Granville Island, Matt joined us downtown later // gathering at Thor's new place with Siobhan and a few others // dancing to Robyn and Katy Perry and Lady Gaga // crashed at Reggie's with a sore throat
- October 17th, 2015: woke up sick, went home, and felt sicker // lonely and sad
- October 18th, 2015: went out for a bit to boot Olivia smokes, felt great // went out later with Olivia and Reggie and when I got home, I felt sick again oops // woke up choking and slept horribly
- October 19th, 2015: went to class and tried not to cry // skipped Spanish and went to Reggie's // dinner with Reggie and his mom // the Liberals won and I don't know how to feel about this.
- October 21st, 2015: got an encounter email the day before, have my confirmation and 5 minutes later told me they didn't need me anymore. Well played // no one wants me anymore and it's because I'm fat // well, being told I should fuck off hurt as much as I had predicted. I hope you love her more than you did me
- October 22nd, 2015: I am now the second choice.
- October 23rd, 2015: started job at McCreary. It wasn't bad at all: they encouraged me to take breaks and gave me food // met up with Olivia and Reggie after my shift and went to a shitty haunted house in Chinatown and then ate some food.
- October 25th, 2015: waking up at six, crying by seven // borderline personality disorder has ruined my life
- October 27th, 2015: woke up at 5 to talk to Reggie on the phone for an hour // slept poorly and felt off the entire day, but it was ok by me
- October 28th, 2015: not my day. Came home and had a bath and tried to self care // I was on so many meds for so long, trying new ones every couple weeks, and it didn't work. Therapy didn't work either. Nothing works
- October 29th, 2015: I want to kill myself and I want to blame you for it // fright night with Reggie // had a panic attack in a ride and it ruined the night
- October 31st, 2015: Halloween party at Shaheed's // offered coke and molly pretty much all the time, but I somehow stuck with alcohol // got told Reggie and I look like siblings for the 3rd time ever
- November 1st, 2015: tired of drug jokes and Laura // "We'll probably get back together anyway" + "I don't want to lead you on...
I don't want anyone else" so what the hell do you want from me? To fuck off or get back together?
- November 2nd, 2015: I tried to kill myself a year ago on this day and I still wish I had succeeded // it's going to go downhill from here
- November 3rd, 2015: crippling anxiety bc my phone is going to die and I have no money to get a new one
- November 4th, 2015: first time seeing my therapist since September // I realized as I was telling him about my life for the past 2 months that it's gotten shittier and shittier // got told I was the most difficult patient my therapist has ever worked with. Thanks
- November 6th, 2015: worked and then went to a show bc Ryan was playing with his band // it's a bitter day // crashed at Erika's
- November 7th, 2015: forced myself to throw up bc I felt dizzy in the middle of the night.. But maybe that was just an excuse? I don't know // saw Reggie and watched a movie bc he needed some company
- November 8th, 2015: started using myfitnesspal again // didn't mean to set a calorie intake that I should stay under, but old habits die hard I guess
- November 9th, 2015: we can't afford much nowadays, maybe I should restrict so as to not waste so much money on food and also lose enough weight to fit into old clothes
- November 10th, 2015: shitty morning // met up with Reggie, had dinner and watched a movie in metrotown // "we just shouldn't talk for a while... You're fine when you're laying next to him at night anyway" // arguments; I'm crying in the mall. This is bullshit // at least I'm trying to move on at least I'm trying to be happy for you and you're just an asshole
- November 11th, 2015: started watching Wentworth // I'm gonna be thin again // not talking for a while, maybe never again. Time to move on.
- November 12th, 2015: I'll trade this year's mental instability for 2013's eating disorder // I am a failure of a friend and also everyone's emotional punching bag
- November 13th, 2015: last day at McCreary. Sad, but very thankful for this opportunity // went to a show but had to go home early because I couldn't crash at anyone's house // fell asleep with mom because nothing feels normal
- November 14th, 2015: indifference at the fact that we don't talk... But of course you text me that day and of course I am going to respond. I'm trash
- November 15th, 2015: *spills feelings out about how I am a shell of myself and I am failing everything* "I'm bored" // panic and invalidation and going out for a smoke in the balcony but just wanting to jump // slept with mom again and cried and cried
- November 16th, 2015: leave me the fuck alone // "how was your weekend?" "I need some fucking coke man I need to stop feeling"
- November 17th, 2015: Granville island // met up with Reggie and had sex, then dinner // met up with Erika and Matt and I bought some Christmas presents and then some stuff for myself // exhausted and also failing university
- November 18th, 2015: slam poetry with Ariella: we've all dealt with so much shit. We're all tired // first day I truly did not meet my calorie intake and I felt glorious
- November 19th, 2015: went to Apple to fix an issue about wifi, got a new phone for free because they didn't believe me about the swollen battery a couple weeks ago // hung out with Erika and had some lunch and Starbucks and picked up my sister from school // saw Reggie and we were going to play a game of manhunt that was happening at Stanley park, but we arrived too late // met up with Ariella and went to a frat party: guys only want you if you're thin, and I only want to be wanted
- November 20th, 2015: first Friday I'm not working in a while, it feels weird // walked around downtown by myself for a few hours and bought some makeup // met up with Reggie and had an early dinner bc I hadn't eaten all day (oops) // went to Shaheed's place to play poker, played uno and smoked menthols instead
- November 21st, 2015: woke up at 9, by 10 am I was already upset and angry // "did you meet someone else?" That is none of your business. I want to move on. Let me be // spent the day with family and went grocery shopping for the first time in over a year, maybe two // met up with Reggie downtown and went to his place right away bc I didn't want to go to Ryan's show
- November 22nd, 2015: woke up and had sex and slept and then had some breakfast // went home and took a bath and did my makeup nicely and also my hair: the best I've looked in ages // met up with Erika and Ari and Reggie and it felt weird to be hanging out again like couples // you'll see your girlfriend in a few days so WHY THE FUCK do you care about me?
- November 23rd, 2015: started showing up to English class, I want to die // came out to a guy in theatre class and he started being creepy // Reggie scored me an interview at McDonald's // productive // met up with Reggie and went to a pasta place bc I hadn't eaten all day; still couldn't finish my food
- November 24th, 2015: last day working for mom, no money until God knows when // passed the time in kerrisdale and bought a flannel at a thrift store // had the interview: I start on the 2nd of January (they called on another day and said the 12th of December instead) // borderline restricting and not really caring
- November 25th, 2015: came home exhausted and with a migraine: woke up 3 hours later with no recollection of what happened // Reggie came over and we ate some food (he ate most of my share) and then ordered pizza // left my house to go to his and I crashed there // Dede texted me saying she was seeing a poetry performance by Rupi Kaur and she might be able to buy me a book and get it signed: the thought made me tear up
- November 26th, 2015: woke up at 7:30 and wanted to die // did my makeup in 20 min and looked ok // got home and curled my hair and went to Ubc and ran into Ariella // appointment with access and diversity: will probably drop out of English to save my grade and record // picked up my sister from school (saw a kid wearing a minion toque) and hung out with Erika at my place // made mac n cheese with expired cheese but still ate it
- November 27th, 2015: email from access and diversity: if I drop out of English I will fuck up my loans. I'm fucked either way // came home and slept // met up with Ariella to boot her wine and drank together for a bit /: went to see a play (drunk) for theatre for free in exchange for volunteer hours. Everyone was busy and I had 2 tickets, so I hit up a girl from my class // as I was getting home Reggie called me; he was drunk and asked if he could come over // gave him some food and let him sleep
- November 28th, 2015: woke up at 7 on a Saturday and napped with Reggie // ate some food and napped more and when we went to eat out for lunch, there was a power outage // still found pho available and it was delicious // went home and slept all day and still fell asleep early // got up sometime between my nap and sleep and I almost blacked out: a feeling I missed
- November 29th, 2015: volunteered at the theatre; helped take down the entire set // didn't eat anything and felt so weak by the end of it // met up with Reggie and had some pasta (again I couldn't finish it) and walked around the beach // went to my house later and did nothing
- November 30th, 2015: went to theatre and Spanish bc I have given up // had lunch with mom and on my way home I get a call from Erika: she's at PAU // my life is crumbling... No my life is a lie and I feel betrayed
- December 1st, 2015: spent the day at BIU, where Erika got transferred, with Ari and Matt // talked to Ari and there really isn't a lot that I know, and it hurts me // played games with Julia, who was also at BIU and had some fun // met up with Reggie and watched The Martian and got triggered lol // a dangerously low calorie intake: lowest in 2 years
- December 2nd - December 6th, 2015: wake up, go to vgh, restrict/binge/restrict, go home/crash at reggie's, sleep very little. Matt went to rehab at some point during the week. Found out everything at some point during the week. Let Erika's mom know everything at some point during the week. Very fuzzy.
- December 7th, 2015: Erika got discharged, stayed the night at her place // talked things out and I told her how I found out things // sat down on the street and chain smoked for the first time in my life
- December 8th, 2015: Erika and her mom talked, Erika was upset with me, but eventually it was okay // got home late and fell asleep, which ruined my sleep schedule // weird to remember that I have problems too, weirder to have to face them after shutting them off for a week
- December 11th, 2015: alone and lonely. Tried to invite people over but no one wanted to come by // went to reggie's work party a day before I started work: met everyone and felt so anxious // got unbelievably full from one plate of food and wanted to purge. Danced instead
- December 12th, 2015: woke up late and spent the morning with Reggie // napped and then had to get ready for my first day at work // orientation was boring and the two other kids with me didn't talk // went to Erika's family's Christmas party and played uno and drank palm bays // stayed up until 3:30 am talking with Ariella and Erika
- December 14th, 2015: woke up sick, went to rehearse, got paid, bought some Christmas gifts, went to my Spanish exam // tired and not ready to go back to this
- December 15th, 2015: slept in, didn't eat, met up with Reggie // had sex, fell asleep, went to metrotown // bought some more Christmas gifts and candy and ran into Olivia and hung out for a bit // got home so exhausted I fell asleep right away
- December 16th, 2015: went to Hannah's dorm to rehearse and instead shit talked Jodi :-) // met up with Reggie and bought him his Christmas gift: bank account went from almost $300 to $15 // went to therapy, got upset // why do we always end up in the same dilemma
- December 24th, 2015: Ariella, Dede, Yana, and Reggie, all in my tiny room for christmas
- December 27th, 2015: goodbye Erika // goodbye Montana
- December 31st, 2015: no plans, lonely, only slightly tipsy // I may not be important in your life anymore but you are in mine. Life works in weird ways
- January 1st, 2016: "im so proud of you too / over the years / ive never necessarily articulated it / but ive always felt it / and admired you for it"
- January 2nd, 2016: met up with Reggie downtown and had brunch, went back to my house had sex and slept
- January 4th, 2016: back to school and I want to die // Spanish prof knows I speak fluently, doesnt care // I'm already overwhelmed
- January 5th, 2016: worked for 6 hours and went to school for another 3: exhausted
- January 7th, 2016: a shit day to be alive. did not sleep
- January 8th, 2016: worked, then went to a bar with Reggie, he was drunk and I was more worried about calories than anything else // "Net calorie intake: 1300" well shit I really fucked up / I feel thinner
- January 11th, 2016: class, meetings about finances and dropping out of uni, homework // I'm slowly dying
- January 12th, 2016: work: purging on my break // class right after, got soaked on my way there and started feeling feverish // had a mental breakdown and begged to please die or drop out
- January 15th, 2016: no work, went to the arcade party and then to the Astoria // ran into Matt, Trevor, Deacon... And Erika. She didn't bother to let me know she was back home, nice // went home early
- January 16th, 2016: worked my first weekend. Completely drained by the end of it // tried to go out with Reggie, but I was too tired so we went to my house // my dad started being and asshole and I started crying bc I'm already exhausted and on the verge of death, I don't need this // fell asleep next to Reggie without my parents nagging me to sleep in separate rooms for once
- January 17th, 2016: officially dropped out of UBC; I'm a failure
- January 19th, 2016: dermatologist, library, dentist, home, Ubc, then therapy. Busiest day
- January 20th, 2016: got weighed for the first time in over a year; panicking // exhausted at work, got burnt and almost had a panic attack // refused to go home and instead just worked one handed
- January 23rd, 2016: went over to Reggie's for the first time in a month. His new apartment is beautiful // played FFX, watched Netflix, made out a lot // sex in his room (huge windows at sunset) and fell asleep // went to Tommy's: girl named Brit did a Jell-O shot off my boobs, spanked me and Reggie, added me on snapchat, and gave me Djarums. Got hammered
- January 24th, 2016: got to Reggie's place around 3 am, passed out around 4 // woke up at 9 with sex but had to shower and get ready bc I had work at 11 // weekends are terrible shifts: everyone called in sick so I had to stay for an extra two hours when it was super busy // went to dinner with Reggie, Audrey and Xena: Dine Out Vancouver
- January 27th, 2016: hearing the words "relapse" and "cardiac arrest" didn't mix well
- January 28th, 2016: after a shit night, reluctantly went to Surrey to catch a bus and go to Seattle with Fostering Change. Met incredible people who were passionate about activism and making a change in this world // Apples to Apples and laughing so hard I snorted. Too many cigarettes // I don't regret going to this
- January 29th, 2016: coming home a slightly different person
- February 1st, 2016: learning breakfast at mcdonalds, this time without Reggie around // waking up at 5:30 am sucks, but I'm working full time
- February 3rd, 2016: second day and I knew everything by heart // "what, you wanna become manager? you'd be great, just saying" // "you always look so chill" "haha, good one"
- February 5th, 2016: Erika's house // "Claudia I feel safe whenever you're here, whenever Erika says she's with you"
- February 7th, 2016: teaching Reggie math; I forgot how satisfying math was for me
- February 14th, 2016: worked with Reggie for the first time in a while, what a cute Valentine's date // sex, then pizza and sangria at my house // fell asleep with arms around me, felt safe
- February 19th, 2016: an old lady demanded to speak to me at work and when I spoke to her she thanked me because of how wonderful the burger tasted. She almost made me cry
- February 20th, 2016: attempted to go clubbing with Shaheed, chilled at his house and watched a terrible horror movie instead
- March 1st: doctor appointment and money transactions // paid a huge chunk of my student loans off
- March 11th, 2016: worked for 8 days straight and had a migraine the whole day // indian buffet with Ariella, Erika and Ami // tried to go nap at home but the migraine was so terrible I couldn't even do that // migraine and all, still saw White Lung live
- March 23rd, 2016: stepped into a cafe to drop off a resume, had the interview, and walked out with a trial shift. How? I dont know
- March 26th, 2016: got hired at the cafe
- March 29th, 2016: went skating with my coworkers and totally felt out of place but at least I tried
- April 17th, 2016: I got offered manager position at mcdonalds. I am accomplishing things when a year ago I didn't think I'd be alive now
- April 25h, 2016: self care day // nap, hair mask, face mask, peace
- April 26th, 2016: crew meeting // found out I'm employee of the quarter at mcdonalds and I didn't know how to react // I'm being recognized for the first time in years
sep 21 2013 ∞
aug 23 2016 +
aug 23 2016 +