as i sit in the comfort of my own silence, what consumes me is my understanding of love or the lack of thereof. what i can never truly understand is the way the human heart works and how we love another. as i reflect on myself and who i am, i only know that i am a mosaic of everything i have ever loved and what is unknown will remain unknown until i encounter these feelings.

i only have ever known love for what it is right now; to be blissful and to be content. to be so lucky to be in love with someone that loves me back, within the same capacity in the same timeline, i will honestly never take for granted how special this time is.

however with what i struggle with is, and what i will always struggle with, is the unknown, no matter how hard i try to tell myself its fruitless. my brain will conjure up scenarios that will suffocate me because i will never know the truth. this is my first relationship but it's not my boyfriends, does he think about them still? does he miss them? does he pretend i'm them? how does he love someone new and relearn and redo everything he's done with them? these thoughts consume me daily as i cause unnecessary panic towards myself.

i can't begin to even fathom loving someone else, because i genuinely think that if we broke up, i will die loving him as i cannot give my heart to another the way i've given him. loving is so intimate; to truly getting to know someone is a blessing. how do i trust myself with another; how does anyone trust themselves with another. if i am mosaic of those i have loved in the past, it's only natural then for my partner too – that begs the question; does he carry his past relationships with him? my brain truly makes no sense but here i am writing to verbalise my thoughts and to see how my words feel.