self-reflection sunday

• bugs
• commitment
  • it’s really more that i’m afraid of overexerting myself. i’m so scared of running out of energy and overcommitting and letting everyone down
• letting everyone down
  • i feel like the second someone says something positive about me, i locked myself into a position to keep making them feel that way about me, or else i’ve inherently disappointed them and broken their perception of me, and they wish i could’ve been what they imagined.
• disappointment
  • scared of both being a disappointment, and being disappointed. i’m even scared of others feeling disappointment at something completely unrelated to me.
  • i’m so scared of something i idealized letting me down, irrationally so. i realized i try to shield others from feeling that too - if i think someone might be disappointed, i try to gently nudge them in a direction where it will hurt less. even if it’s none of my business nor my fault
  • as i am writing this i realize it is very connected to my fear of letting others down...
• being disliked
  • i’m scared of people thinking negative things about me, and i realize how horribly irrational that is because of course people will think negative things about me. i can’t make everyone like me
  • but it makes me scared that they might hate me, and say things that make others hate me, and that i will never be able to do anything about it
• being fake
  • i am so afraid of not being who i think i am
  • what if i think i am a certain way but i’m really not? everyone else sees my truth but i don’t?
• being selfish
  • i think there’s a horribly selfish person inside of me and it terrifies me to even let that out. i try to avoid letting it show but when it does, it is so relieving for maybe 5 minutes - and then i’m just drowned in guilt for letting that show and now i’ve ruined everyone’s idea of who i am and they’ll never see me the same way ever again!
  • but secretly i just wish i could be that whenever i wanted to. i’m afraid that i will never meet anyone who would be okay with me being selfish sometimes
  • it’s kind of horrible, but i wish i could be selfish
• arguments
  • especially in friendships and relationships. i think i see arguments and even minor disagreements as far more severe than i should. to me, even just the tiniest bit of tension feels like it stains our relationship and i don’t know how to stop feeling weird after one. i feel like they’ll never see me the same way again if i argue with them over something, so i avoid it. it’s kind of silly
• my own ego
  • it’s funny how i used to be so self-centered and a gatekeeper of everything i thought was special about myself, and now i try so hard to ignore and banish that from myself; yet i think this makes me more self-centered and more full of an ego
  • i wish i were egoless and could give unconditionally