hey,

it’s her, remember?

-

the one you hurt,

the one you left hanging,

the one you didn’t know what to say to,

the one you taught how to feel sadness and anxiety,

the one you caused pain.

-

she was the one you were indifferent to,

the one you didn’t mind not talking to for days.

the one you showed how detached you can be,

the one you made obvious that no matter how important you were to her,

she couldn’t have been less relevant to you.

-

she didn’t know what to do.

There have been times too many in high school: times when I had neglected my well-being to catch up. I never quite had the option to take breaks, as doing so meant to pass my assigned tasks late. Thus, being on time came at the cost of my energy the next day, and so, the cycle repeated.

I thought it had been hopeless for me—passing late, I mean. I couldn't quite see a future without endless tasks and no sleep. If that was the point of life, should I even reach the future at all? Or will fatigue decide my short fate?

My repetitive life went on until a teacher herself had told me—to pass late if that's what it takes for me to live.

So I have.

Nakakatakot pala

Kung ika'y manatili sa aming bahay

Mabait ka daw sabi nila

Sabi rin ni Inay huwag maging pasaway

-

Ikaw ba ‘yon?

Ang nararamdaman kong tingin?

Kahit kung ika'y malayo

May gagawin ka ba sa akin?

-

Aalis daw muna si Inay

Ngayon ikaw lang ang kasama ko

Nanginginig ang aking kamay

At ang isip ko'y blangko

-

Ano ang ginawa mo?

Nandidiri na ako sa aking sarili

Marumi na ang laway ko

Bakit mo akong pinwersang sumali?

-

Saan ka na po, Inay?

Gusto ko nang umiyak

I will never forgive them… or at least I thought so.

I had just gotten into another argument with them. It was a fight different from others—where words were sharper, wounds were deeper. I had finally told my parents that I wanted to leave this world, and they did not take it well.

Why would they take it well? How could they? Is it even possible to stay calm when your only daughter wants to take the life you worked so hard to give her? My mind ruminated that night. I felt like the ungrateful child they've always called me. They must've been hurt. I must've hurt them. Why did I hate them so much in the first place anyway?

With guilt flooding my entire being, teardrops slid down my face as I forced myself to reflect on today's fight in my journal. Soon enough, I found myself on the bedside my mother slept on. She was already...