first, a song of a message for you:

BLACKSHAPE - ITIIITIATIIHYLIHYL, really powerful masterpiece, IMHO. (If This Is It, If This Is All There Is, I Hope You Live, I Hope You Live)

https://youtu.be/RXqNwcrVq_Q?si=y_qbQn2RN1IeAmNA

heylo my lovely souper babes! i really hope the universe shares this with you pals someday reasonably so. hello dearest and most wonderful fae.

how are you silly goobers??? i hope you all have been so fucking swell and thriving as ever-loving FUCK during this time ive been away and unaware of shenanigans occurring within the goob soup. i deeply apologize for having essentially abandoned y'all so abruptly as i did shortly into our first season of midnight. i really hated having had to walk away from the game / socializing so quickly, without a trace. and also without further even letting y'all know why i needed to take this time, nor letting anyone keep in touch with me. truthfully, i was scared. i didn't/don't know how to convey what i needed. i hope that this helps, to some degree. or hopefully the little chitchat i was able to have with kizei and ryann (when i popped onto guild wars to complete the silly gw3 announcement fomo goodies) helped to some degree. i know its probably just gonna end up being a bunch of word vomit; i can only hope i can be clear enough to be heard and understood.

TLDR: sorry for going MIA. my abusive mom passed early may and i abandoned socials again (this time, discord being my last means of keeping active anywhere) and MMOs abruptly so i could focus on my healing journey, be able to give back more and support the universe in a better capacity someday, and also complete my childhood writing goal for the absolute first time in 20+ years with the world-building ive been dissociating through over these years. i miss and love you all so fucking godsdamned much. SO. FUCKING. MUCH. it is unreal. goob soup will always be the best neurospicy soup ive ever tasted.

i had already shared this bit with y'all, before more stuff snowballed down the mountain of nuance to wade through. over the first couple of weeks of april, one of my eldest cats took a severe nosedive with his health. i attempted to keep my composure and remain focused on gaming for those few weeks while trying to figure out what was affecting him. his health shaped back up by the end of the month, a while after making the decision to step back for a brief bit (what i expected to not be long at least). while taking that small break from wow, i tried to maintain a sense of "security" and "routine" by still checking into gw2 and flitting about there for a bit. ended up taking a leap and giving some honest efforts in participating with some of the raids guild wars had to offer with kizei, ryann and quackithy. holy FUCK, i had an absolute blast with them on that brief adventure.

during the first week of may i received the news of the passing of my abusive and manipulative mother, who was serving a life sentence for the murder of my stepfather for the last 18 years. i thought i would be OK with this news, and somewhat could maintain a sense of presence of some kind, socially and in-game. after the last raid with the goobers at the end of may, i had a flush of anxiety complications overwhelm me, and decided to quit discord and gaming altogether in one fell cold turkey swoop. i tried to briefly pop on to GW to secure my weekly free BL chest key, but wasn't even feeling it after having completed that.

turns out, the universe was guiding me to take a more momentous break from gaming and socializing as i was so that i could focus more vehemently on my healing journey through all of the trauma she left me with. through this, i was offered the most powerful closure of sorts that i never could have imagined possible. im gonna be honest, i really only expected to find out of her death in passing, randomly, and YEARS later, if even that.

when our granny passed in 2017, she was under my brother's "care" (loosely said), with a hospice caseworker coming by quite often. granny, since '08, was overseeing mother's accounts and such. so when granny passed, it was up to older brother (my SA abuser who wants me dead for having been outspoken about his abuses) to oversee mother's prison account stuff. except, because he's a dumb redneck narcissistic control freak, and hated our mother so profoundly, he didn't actually "care" to oversee things, and half-assed it. he told me he'd put her on mute for her 15 minute call until she ended up hanging up, never giving an ear to her rambling.

so guess who didn't answer the phone call from the prison? of course not him! evidently i was the only family member who returned the calls to figure out what was up. and thus, i was the one who had to handle mother's end of life nuanced bits over the next few months so she wasn't most simply just a buried nobody who had no one to claim them in the end. i have only ever laid to rest beloved pets or cherished neighborhood friends over the years. never expected to have to deal with the rigmarole for a human life, however. talk about confusing, perplexing, and confounding every which way. i am soupremely thankful for every single individual who had to field my calls and help me navigate this whole process during this time. i feel like i was constantly asking a million questions and had to have SO much stuff explained. how exactly does one come into this knowing everything they need to know? its not exactly an easy google query i ever expected myself to need to make? "how to bury your estranged incarcerated mother".

while i say it was confusing and probably the most whirlwind-y having to react and take on the role, it was also absolutely cathartic as FUCK. i am still beyond belief that i was afforded this opportunity to extend grace towards her [now, memory of] once more after all the irreparable harm and trauma she caused on my family, my sister and i, and the damage that will be felt for generations to come. for context here, i was the only child of the 3 of us to have mistakenly tried to maintain a "relationship" of some kind and kept in contact with her over the years since her imprisonment. for some reason, it was not the nurturing relationship that i sought, and i let her continue to manipulate and abuse me up until i had my final straw at last in 2024 when i cut things off for good so i could finally BREATHE for myself.

i finally feel free, to some variable degree of the word. i am still broken and downtrodden, still an incomplete cracked as fuck shell of a person, but i am trying my damndest to put my feet forward to continue healing through my pain and all this nuance. mostly am free of her machinations, but also am working to completely free myself from the overwhelming weight that is the imposter syndrome and lack of faith/support/love for my own self that was borne out of the lack of love and support that she especially showed while i was younger/over those 16 years past that i let her continue to fuck with me. through this, i am proving to myself my ability to finish something and succeed in an endeavor by continuing to flesh out the stories that i began to finally give life to shortly after her passing.

i haven't the faintest clue where this will take me, nor how long it will require of me. for this confusion and fogginess, i am so fucking deeply sorry that i cannot give a time frame. i am once again sorry to have abandoned y'all like so and for an unforeseen amount of time. y'all absolutely did not deserve that.

thank you for trusting me. thank you for your faith in me over this last year that we've come to know each other. thank you for seeing me and hearing me. thank you so fucking much for listening when you could have absolutely chosen to not.

fingies and toes crossed that by the next time i pop back into disco, im able to query you guys for some betas for my book before i start querying publishers!

stay swell, stay true, be bold, be golden.

xoxoFel

PS: if you'd like my number or an email addy, i've given fizzymana on disco permission to pass it along. that's the only way to keep up with me these days while im in this phase/focusing on my writing. apologies. ;-;