hi listography it's me again. there's something fucking wrong with me. the internalized ableism is hitting strong today as is the dysphoria and its the worst combo imaginable. i have so much rage in my heart right now it's unreal. couldn't find my glasses SOMEHOW, i don't know how they'd even get lost in this smallass apartment. not to mention none of the clothes that i put on felt right, and neither did my stupid fucking hair. i'm trying to grow it out but it's not going to fucking look right no matter what i do. i'm still going to get misgendered. i'm still going to get she-her'd. i need to jump off of a fucking building. or kill everyone who fucking looks at me sideways about my presentation. i need to punch something so bad. i wish i was at my dad's house so i could use the punching bag i have in the basement. i wish that i was in a space where i could have a meltdown and not have anyone see it or hear it. if i was at his house i could scream. i could kick and punch and cry and SCREAM. i cant do that here and its going to drive me up the wall because that is not acceptable behavior over losing your glasses and not getting to play badminton. it is not acceptable to self harm and hit or slap myself upside the head for these things. it is not acceptable to want to smash my fucking ukulele over something and break it. what the fuck is my problem.

i want to cut my hair. i'm not going to do a fucking good job of it i already know that but i need to do something because i'm too clockable anyway. i don't know what the fuck i thought i could do because everyone was just lying to my fucking face trying to make me feel better when they said it was fine for guys to have long hair. news flash CIS GUYS CAN! NOT FUCKING. GUYS WHO ARE IMMEDIATELY CLOCKABLE LIKE ME! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Lying to my fucking face doesn't make me feel better it makes me wonder what the fuck ELSE you're lying to me about my appearance! No I don't see more weight distribution, i still have stupid fucking hips! No my voice isn't low enough yet, I still sound like a fucking girl when i moan! NO MY HAIR DOES NOT LOOK NICE I LOOK FUCKING STUPID! I LOOK LIKE A GIRL WHO'S FUCKING CONFUSED!