day ten on t baybee and i'm already experiencing the negative mental health effects of starting male puberty. either that or i'm just having an identity crisis with some very unfortunate, convenient timing. but more happily YAY IM FINALLY ON T

i keep having such a. longing. for the streets of london and i KNOW it's lukes fault. i look at old brickwork and cobblestone stepping paths and all that kind of architecture and just ache and i'm gonna bite this kin.

it's weird, cause like. i've been thinking so much about his hometown recently, which is NOT city like in the slightest, and yet it's the london streets i've been reminiscing about in kin memories and shit

literally everywhere i look for the past month it's like. sigh. this is not my beautiful house. this is not my beautiful wife /ref

was just in the boston museum of science past closed hours (was at a show) and i saw there were a bunch of suits discussing the dinosaur statue and it felt INTIMATELY familiar. the setting of it being nighttime, and a bunch of well dressed men talking about archaeology, and being vaguely interested but not being spoken to. i'm unsure if it's my FIRST luke memory but it's absolutely one of the more vivid ones i've had yet. the professor wasn't there, either- i would've felt a lot more comfortable and less like. stuffy and formal. it must've been with my father, and he brought me along cause he thought i'd be interested in his work, but like. who's gonna talk archaeology with some 12 year old in a room full of professionals, i suppose

anyway. i probably had a good time walking around and looking at the exhibits regardless

just? got a vivid filbo memory of the first time I met Liz. i was. SO taken with her accent. I was real young, so part of me just thought it sounded silly, but the larger part of me just thought it was Cool because she wasn't From here fndndkd. i asked her probably a million questions about where she was from and why she moved and if she thought i sounded silly too because i didn't have her accent. (the answer was no, by the way; she thought i was silly because i was asking a million questions, not because of my accent)

• the need to fucking. BARK
• constantly biting things/putting things in my mouth i shouldnt
• tongue out ALL the time
• praise kills me
• involuntary wiggles when i'm happy/eat good food
• loyal???
• loves getting pats
• good listener, not good follow through on commands
• collar (though that doesn't really count for much NFBFN)
• INCREDIBLY impulsive at the strangest times
• startled by yelling
• always craving meat, but will eat anything. such low standards for what is considered "edible"
• tilts my head at things i'm confused by
• cannot sit on furniture correctly (if at ...

watching vt and while a Lot of things are making me.. regret this (the numerous alcohol references w/ toast, the. boarderline racist bullshit issac pulled in the delphox video, etc) some of this has been? surprisingly kin validating?? ghost referred to the two people in the "paranormal ghost hunting map" as gentlemen and then said "must you two do this??" in like. the exact way i would. i dunno it's sjfdjksdf. bittersweet, seeing the awful through my nostalgia, but at least *some* of it holds up, ig? i have been laughing a little bit.

• EDIT: GHOST IS AS MUCH OF A HIMBO AS I REMEMBER.

COD cosplayer: oh wow, the scenery here is so great! It's such a nice setup!

Ghost: What do you mean *setup?* This is not a *funhouse!* This is an actual ghost! That is an actual dead guy in an actual...

it's.. really sweet when people do things for you without having to ask. dad the past couple days has woken me up around noon with food (pizza, a breakfast sandwich from cliffe's) and it's?? really sweet actually???? usually it's mom doing atuff like that (buying peace teas and other things like milanos before i get home) and i dont typically expect that of dad, but here we are! it's just,, nice,,,,, part of the reason i highkey miss beck is because i miss doing stuff like this for them too. we usually get one another our WB orders if the other is in bed/cant go get it

kernel is talking abt the dark crystal rn and i just got the most. VIVID taako feeling ive had in a while. they were talking abt the different races and whatnot and mentioned high elves and my face scrunched up and i got a thought abt how pompous and shitty and stuck up they are (presumably from... personal experience.) and i know i was a sun elf so. that tracks kjdsfjsdf

brooke knows me so well... she doesnt even have to ask what i want from food places, she just knows. we got mcdicks this evening and she added pickles n mustard and shit without me even having to ask her. it's stupid and insignificant in the long run but it's just.. sweet. that's my sister ;,,)

rosel and i played portal 2 coop for six hours and it was. SO fun jdksfkjsdkj... these bitches stupid as hell (its us, we're bitches) but we did like 95% of it without having to look shit up! there were two closer to the end that were giving us issues but it was really gratifying when we'd solve a wicked hard one and not have to look up a guide/video or anything.

i also called rosel "buddy" and got a HUGE boost of fuckin. serotonin or dopamine or whatever-have-you. and i couldnt help but happy flap when she referred to me as such too :o] it was SO cute kjsdfjs. i love my friends greatly,,,, this server overall has just been. WONDERFUL to be in, everyone is not only so fucking kind but frequently calls me filbo and it's gotten to the point where i respond more to that than sav now sdfjsd. that's gonna be a fun one to explain to my roomies when i get back

really happy with the new background :o]

there's something so.. inexplicably *familiar* about the song my castle town. soft, comforting.. right. i immediately feel at home when i listen to it- and i can (and have) listened to it for *hours* at a time without it getting 'old'. i know i've got a weak spot for piano, and how much it reminds me of childhood, but even without that particular association, like.. i dunno. it just makes me feel so *much*, and not even in an overstim way, just.. like i'm more complete. it sounds stupid when i put it like that but honestly idgaf, it's true! it's obvs the intention of the song, and like, it's doing it's job, clearly, but.. i just find it interesting how much it strikes me in particular. dunno.

edit: fixed a typo, 01/15/2022

anyway it's been less than two days and my snowgrave animatic already has over 500 views

https://youtu.be/tE73g0ru9Yo

I finished All The Things You Prayed For and boy howdy I have feelings as per usual. I was able to finish it in 24-36 hours, I think? So about 12 hours each book, cause I did stuff in between. It makes me sad to have no more content but honestly? I'm glad it ended so satisfyingly. Fuck John. I think later on down the line, before I get a new phone, I'll link all of the good TAZ fics here so I can access them even if I don't have my phone. yeehaw

edit: 69, NICE

• Cherilee, Evelyn, Avery, Seven, Lucretia, Calliope- Daughter Names
• Magnus, Juneau- Son Names
• Jasper, Billy, Calypso- Dog Names

hey! it's been, like, more than a year since i first started my listography haha. didnt realize that until today lmao

happy kind-of birthday, my listography?

i'd jump up and down and celebrate or whatever but im exhausted and my body is really sore n worn down. this is kind of a milestone though! clearly i made it farther than another year or whatever. i guess thats good

• Be associated with something great
• Become an animator for a good company like Cartoon Network
• Camp on the beach w/ glowsticks
• Chill in the rain until the point of getting sick
• Come up with more things to write on my bucket list
• Graduate college
• Have the satisfaction of knowing that those who once looked down on me are now far beneath my level :)
• Impress my significant other's parents
• Invent a poptart flavor
• Learn how to read piano sheet music
• Make enough money in my career to support myself and others
• Make macarons successfully
• Meet Justin, Travis, and Griffin Mcelroy, my heroes & comedic geniuses
• Meet up with friends I've known on the in...

• Adventure Time
• animation
• anime
• beanies
• cake
• candy
• cats
• cheese
• chiptune music
• donuts
• garlic bread
• german shepherds
• Hamilton
• Heathers
• lemons
• long socks
• music
• Nintendo
• pickles
• pins
• pizza

i wanna eat rice krispies smothered in pink frosting and spinkles

what even is a parable?

I wish I had the motivation to write fanfics,, I lov to read them but the content sometimes isn't enough. Or there's no smut for the ship I'm interested in..

i should really write more often

food makes me so emotional i'm fucking crying because of cake

i wanna dip a zebra cake in melted white chocolate

guess who took a 30 minute shower when I only had 45 minutes left ;-))

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9437975...

i fucking cried reading this earlier. it's based on The Adventure Zone podcast and Taako specifically,, i really relate to him personally and fuck. this hit too close to home. i really loved it even if it made me bawl my eyes out ◡‿◡✿

i love thee points where fanfics are so good that you can actuall experience hwat the characters are feeling. ive been anxious and twitching a lot today already just from reading that one about taako and. things that got to hm were things I experience a lot too and I would twitch and just. react a lot like he did

i think this has been the taako that I aligned most with in a fanfic,,

Math has one set solution; Art is open-ended and limitless

going on a field trip this wednesday!!! get to skip math almost like the entire week im pumped :-))

https://mobile.twitter.com/JustinMcElroy...

sorry i haven't been posting on here as much. haha. like you care. guess i've just been.. doing better? i'm sick right now but. otherwise i'm alright. i think between work and TAZ i'm thoroughly distracted. dunno. feelin kinda meh but it's better than The Depression Zone™

side note: kind of feeling like using they/she/he pronouns online. nobody will use them for me in real life? so. but uhm yeah. i'm alright with any pronouns, i've realized

i wish i was suggestible. i just love not being present and being completely out of my brain. i wanna be tied up and muzzled constantly so i dont have to talk or have responsibilities. i wanna be able to squirm and not do anything about it. i wanna be a little drunk and let go of my pride for a second to whine and squeak and whimper. i wanna be taken advantage of. i wanna be dismissed and shushed and cooed over. i wanna have my hair and tail scritched while i'm tied up. i wanna rut and try to stimulate myself and not be able to, and have to have help. i wanna be blindfolded and not even be able to see what's about to happen, and just settle comfortably into the darkness with the gag/muzzle too. i wanna not think and not be me for a second. if i could get, like, an entire day where i just dont have to be a person and dont have to be me and just get off and get pets. this would be stellar.

kins updated for 2025!

I strongly identify with:

• Agent 8 (Splatoon)
• Akris Railtech (Bugsnax OC)
• ⭐️ Capochin (Great God Grove)
• Chell (Portal 1,2)
• Chilchuck Tims (Dungeon Meshi)
• Data Soong (Star Trek)
• Dogs!! (LH German Shepherds, specifically)
• ⭐️ Filbo Fiddlepie (Bugsnax)
• Finn Mertens (Adventure Time)
• ⭐️ Johnny Ghost (Venturiantale)
• ⭐️ Luke Triton (Professor Layton Series)
• Max Davis (OC)
• Rosalina (Mario Galaxy)
• Shipilka (VRChat)
• ⭐️ Starlo Sunnyside (Undertale Yellow)
• Taako Taaco (The Adventure Zone)

I loosely identify with:

• Barney Guttman(Dead End Paranormal Park)

kins updated for 2024!

I strongly identify with:

• Agent 8 (Splatoon)
• Akris Railtech (Bugsnax OC)
• Chell (Portal 1,2)
• Chilchuck Tims (Dungeon Meshi)
• Data Soong (Star Trek)
• Dogs!! (LH German Shepherds, specifically)
• ⭐️ Filbo Fiddlepie (Bugsnax)
• Finn Mertens (Adventure Time)
• ⭐️ Johnny Ghost (Venturiantale)
• ⭐️ Luke Triton (Professor Layton Series)
• Max Davis (OC)
• Rosalina (Mario Galaxy)
• Shipilka (VRChat)
• ⭐️ Starlo Sunnyside (Undertale Yellow)
• Taako Taaco (The Adventure Zone)

I loosely identify with:

• Barney Guttman(Dead End Paranormal Park)
• Brett Hand (Inside Job)

i wonder if the journalist cared any bit about the physical town of snaxburg in the way i did.

like- they cared about the residents, OBVIOUSLY, but like. me, liz, and the residents BUILT those structures. we made it a home, against all odds. and we tried to make it the journalist's home as best we could too, toward the end there. but i know that i have a LOT of feelings and always get choked up just thinking about the wreckage of town in the end of the game, and i just wonder if journo has that same.. attachment. i wonder if it DID become enough of a home for them too for it to be so much of a loss. or if i'm just too sentimental about things, and maybe the other residents weren't as sad to see our little community split and were just happy to be leaving, or.

i have learned just how much johnny hates snow, even though there's. hardly been any of it and like not even that cumbersome. he's just got holez in his tennis shoes and it is Not conducive to bad weather

yippee!!!!!! kins updated for 2023 :o]

I identify with:

• Akris Railtech (Bugsnax OC)
• Brett Hand (Inside Job)
• Chell (Portal 1,2)
• Dogs!! (LH German Shepherds, specifically)
• ⭐️ Filbo Fiddlepie (Bugsnax)
• Finn Mertens (Adventure Time)
• Glamrock Freddy (FNAF: Security Breach)
• Ian Lightfoot (Onward)
• ⭐️ Johnny Ghost (Venturiantale)
• ⭐️ Luke Triton (Professor Layton Series)
• Max Davis (OC)
• Noelle Holiday (Deltarune 1,2)
• Orel Puppington (Moral Orel)
• Rosalina (Mario Galaxy)
• ⭐️ Taako Taaco (The Adventure Zone)
• Tinstle (Ooblets)
• Yellow (DHMIS)

I am questioning:

missing aperture rn, which is not a feeling i've gotten before. watching an unfamiliar yter play an unfamiliar surreal game and there's this one portion that goes into an underground bunker that leads to offices, and i just. got HIT with the feeling. it's such a weird mix of nostalgia, and sadness, and.. like, a little happiness? i dont. i dont feel like i SHOULD miss it. at all. but i do

yeehaw kins updated for 2022.

I identify with:

• Chell (Portal 1,2)
• Dogs!! (LH German Shepherds, specifically)
• Ferrin Hawklite (my D&D character)
• ⭐️ Filbo Fiddlepie(Bugsnax)
• Finn Mertens (Adventure Time)
• Glamrock Freddy(FNAF: Security Breach)
• Ian Lightfoot(Onward)
• ⭐️ Johnny Ghost(Venturiantale)
• Noelle Holiday(Deltarune 1,2)
• Reki Kyan(Sk8 The Infinity)
• Rosalina(Mario Galaxy)
• ⭐️ Taako Taaco(The Adventure Zone)
• Yuri Katsuki(Yuri!!! On Ice)

I am questioning:

• Dogtail (Plants Vs Zombies)
• Dewott (Pokemon)
• Sayori(Doki Doki Lit)

so I've been having. a LOT of dreams about natural disasters, child death, and my inability to stop said things?? I don't fucking know WHY but its definitely tied to feeling like I'm not in control of shit or smth. anyway here's summaries

Very vivid dream. Raining out while me and Brooke are travelling via car through the city- looked like Leominster at times, felt like Boston or a long road windy seaside town. Misty and foggy and grey. We arrive at destination- Brooke gets to go through this lil clinic no problem and doesn't wait for me. I have to stand there and put on my mask (which was wet from the rain, so I asked for a new one). They ask me what date I was vaccinated, and because I hesitate just *once*, they ask me for ID. It takes me a moment to fish it out of my pocket, and while I'm procuring it he says "Oh, actually, you're fine." And I ofc am like "Are you sure? I feel li...

adding tws to all of my old triggering shit (or new triggering shit LMAO)

haven't really updated this in a long time. so much has happened, it's just kind of a whirlwind of activity.

• my dad is a scumbag and ive been living semi-without him for I think four months now
• my grades have slipped immensely and I haven't gotten them back up. i pray that I won't have to take summer school
• weiss is chill I guess
• depression/panic attacks have been way worse/more frequent. ive got to get a grip
• i need to realize the world doesn't revolve around me, and that it's nobody's responsibility for my grades but myself
• i need to learn to drive and save up money for important shit
• alex is great!!!
• marsh and I broke up a bit ago cause she found someone better
• abbs and I are way closer

getting real big taako vibes right now i wanna make macarons and just. snuggle with lup and have a conversation or have krav hold me tight and sing to me i even miss barry

it's weird

things are color coded. they used to be sorted by date too but now i cant keep up

• dark blue, good!
• light blue, real good!!
• dark purple, a little bad!!
• light purple, a little good!!
• dark red, real bad
• light red, bad

darker: worse

• Become an animator
• Eat all green skittles
• Get as much cake as humanly possible
• Get married
• Get past binge eating!
• Stop being depressed :-)

Yes, I am/was a filthy kinnie.

I identify with:

• Johnny Ghost (Venturiantale)
• Taako Taaco (The Adventure Zone)

I relate to and have as comfort characters:

• Alphys (Undertale)
• Amethyst (Steven Universe)
• Angus Mcdonald (The Adventure Zone)
• Barley (Onward)
• Bubba Gumball (Adventure Time)
• Fionna the human (Adventure Time)
• Haruhi Fujioka (Ouran High School Host Club)
• Jamie (Steven Universe)
• Lup (The Adventure Zone)
• Nerris (Camp Camp)
• Peridot (Steven Universe)
• Rosalina (Mario Galaxy)
• Steven (Steven Universe Future)

i have a lot of complicated feelings about sazed? god, it fucking overwhelms me sometimes. i miss him sometimes. fuck, i miss him, but. he was such a shitbag and i can't even think and just. he ruined what good of a life i had after we were all fucked over. it just made me isolated again.

i miss lup.

i'm glad to have her back.

ffuck i need to cry

but hey! i'm going to canobie after work on monday so. that's pretty rad! that's not something to cry about i should be excited

really disoriented

they think my sister will get diabetes if we continue with our diet the way it is.

now i'm fucking crying so fucking hard. we just had a ✨healthy dinner✨ and i'm watching shane make a junk food cake and all i can think about is how i wish that were me

why do i have such a love/hate relationship with food

the best thoughts come to me when I can't write them down.

why do I always procrastinate on shit I need done?? I've had all vacation to work on these fucking projcts and I can't bring myself to do them. fuck. I have

• macbeth project, requiring animation
• social studies permission slip for field trip (isn't even that big of a deal!!)
• the forms for summer rec that are lost,, how am I gonna get that shit back to my dad? nobody fuckin knows!!
• the french project I've been procrastinating to do :-)
• the math work, as per usual. It's surprising I didnt fucking flunk,,

just wish me luck!! lol!!

i'm so unstable right now

• always have things in numeric/alphabetical order when they can/should be
• can only use mugs!! not mason jars or plastic cups
• can't breathe near other people/in their space
• can't use plastic dishware because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
• cloudy dishes are not,, okay,,
• COUGHING AND NOT COVERING YOUR MOUTH WITH AN ELBOW
• have materials arranged by color
• have perfect grammar and fix mistakes
• have to always always always apologize after mistakes
• leaving things unfinished when they're completely doable??? pleaas finish them god
• mmmmmm things where they shouldn't be
• needing to check things over and over
• odd numbers FUCK

i feel so masculine today even though i'm dressed like any other day,, i don't know why. it's weird. also Anxiety™

i dont want to be the bubblegum you keep chewing after the taste is gone

you binged again after a fucking sad day. eating an ice cube and listening to the game grumps helped this time. keep that in mind. also, remember that you're not alone. (abbs) suggested the ice, he's a good friend. you can tell him stuff, he doesn't know about the situation so it's cool.

edit: changed a deadname/pronouns, 9/30/2022

recently dawned on me that you're being shitty to push everyone away!! so. life tip. if you don't want them to leave,

• dont isolate
• it will be great

i laid on mr matthews' floor for at least a half an hour eating pretzels

it's people like me that my mom doesn't want me hanging around with

i had the urge to drink for the first time today. i've never wanted to befroe but today i wanna numb everything too bad we don't have beer

had a dream that i was in a terrible car crash. it was me and a bunch of people/kids and we were in a bus and as soon as it hit one slope wrong it toppled and rolled over. 14 people died. also, Matthias, the Youtuber, had been on board?? but i'm not sure if he died. all i remember is how painful it was

sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was pretty

i dont know how i kinda like.. completely forgot abt this? might've just repressed this shit? but like, when i was a kid i had seizures obviously. but also my mom had a lot of shit wrong with her. physically, i mean, not just her depression. i remember coming home and calling out for my mom only to find her on the floor of her bedroom. i forget whether i called 911 or just my dad, or whether i even called them at all because she'd woken up already by that point. but i know that it wasn't the only time it happened- she had a pattern of passing the fuck out and i would do stuff for her like get her water so that she wouldn't get up. this was when i was in, like, fourth or fifth grade. fifth grade especially i remember having to do things like wait for my sister to get off of the bus cause mom was laying down in the bedroom inside and wasn't going to get up to get brooke off the bus. im gonna...

it's not, like. subtle. that they leave the room whenever theyre tired of dealing with me. it's not even intentional, i dont think. they probably leave cause they think i need space or something. but leaving without saying a word and leaving it off on whatever note it ended on confuses me and makes me think i'm in trouble. it feels like a punishment. and i don't know how to talk about it without seeming like i'm too sensitive or like i'm reaching too far. so many of the things that i ask for already accommodation wise are too muhc and are too stupid, i don't knowwhy the fuck i even bother. like the freezer thing. stupid stupid stupid stupid fucking stupid

could i very kindly stop having nightmares/dreams about being in trouble with my mom/her pursuing me because i've done something bad?? that makes like the third time this week i'm having a dream like that

i know its bad when i'm having to repeat over and over again that killing myself is the myself killer. and trying to think of covert ways i could self harm without maple noticing. the thing is i don't think there are any. i should make a will though in the event that anything ever happens to me honestly

if i could kill myself it'd just be so much easier wouldn't it. it really would. i cant do that to maple or brooke or doodle or anyone though. it's selfish. i really really can't. it wouldnt be fair. not when i owe maple so much money. not when brooke still needs an older sibling to look up to who isnt scottie. not when doodle cant be abandoned. not when i cant bear the thought of maple trying to clear my things out of the apartment with their mom's help. i cant do that to them i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant but i want to. but i cannot

hi listography it's me again. there's something fucking wrong with me. the internalized ableism is hitting strong today as is the dysphoria and its the worst combo imaginable. i have so much rage in my heart right now it's unreal. couldn't find my glasses SOMEHOW, i don't know how they'd even get lost in this smallass apartment. not to mention none of the clothes that i put on felt right, and neither did my stupid fucking hair. i'm trying to grow it out but it's not going to fucking look right no matter what i do. i'm still going to get misgendered. i'm still going to get she-her'd. i need to jump off of a fucking building. or kill everyone who fucking looks at me sideways about my presentation. i need to punch something so bad. i wish i was at my dad's house so i could use the punching bag i have in the basement. i wish that i was in a space where i could have a meltdown and not have anyo...

i am so fucking disregulated without a job im going fucking INSANE. if i could feel normal for two seconds instead of like a fucking freeloader! that'd be nice!!! if jobs could get back to me with a "no" instead of not responding to me at all!!!! that'd be nice!!!! if i could not have anxiety about this month's expenses THAT'D BE NICE!!!!!!! what the fuck is my PROBLEM can i literally put any of the energy that's expended on feeling awful into, i dunno, looking for fucking jobs, so that i can SOLVE THE ISSUE that is causing it???? i need to not be drawing max i need to be finishing a commission from fucking weeks ago now. i need to be looking for jobs around here that wont ask about my employment history considering i was fucking FIRED!!

i need to smash my hand against my desk as hard as i can!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant just feel liemkt hsi any time anythign hapopoens that i didnt expect to happen,.l i DID ecpect this to happen anyway so WHAT THE FUCK. WHY IS EVERYTHING TOO MUCH. WHY DOES OVERSTIMUJLATION EXIOST.

i need t cry i need to cry autism rage. i NEEED TO SMASH MY HEAD AGAINST MY DESK.

what is the point of living past like.. 25 under capitalism. really been feeling like the lemon demon song I Earn My Life ever since i've been paying rent. i just.. i simply dont have the money for anything big. sure, i'm not responsible with what little tip money i get. that goes toward getting thai tea or lil treats for me. but my paycheck nowadays just goes toward rent and student loans. i still don't make enough to be on testosterone. i honestly deluded myself into thinking it would be achievable. i remember before moving here i told brooke "by the way, i'm gonna transition once i'm out of the house, prepare to see me again at christmas and see me with more body hair and my voice deeper" and i. i'm just. i havent even been able to see a medical professional for anything since my leg-glass-incident. augh. i just. augh. media can only distract me for so long before the crippling reality ...

you can distract yourself all you want the truth is still gonna kill you if you let it

im sorry i just. need to get my thoughts out SOMEWHERE because its not like i can go to anybody about it.ive been looking back through old messages/artwork this past couple of days to fill up my toyhouse. which- yeah, cool, i found a lot of artwork i'd COMPLETELY forgotten about. but my mental state, given that ive already had several breakdowns recently and am ghosting at least six people.. i dont know why i thought taking a stroll down memory lane would help me.

i miss 2021/22. i miss roleplaying with people every day. i miss polly. i miss petra. i miss ghost. i miss wheels. i miss soph. fuck, i miss *brie*, i miss rosel. i miss.. tqe, and boss rush, and the portal au, and the physical space i was in as this all occured.

i miss being with my roommates. i miss living under the same roof with like five of my friends and being able to look out f...

i know so intensely the feeling of wanting to up and leave your own life so badly that you fuck off to an uninhabited island and live there, even if it's even more uncertain than whst youve got going on. i just. wanna fuck off to snaktooth. never come back. just deal with building cabins, solving disputes, catching snax to eat. having a liz around, just. /someone/ i can turn to, /please/. anyone. anyone at all.

MAN the fucking. the fucking. the fucking. amount of. kin feelings i've got tonight. and This One Isn't Good. cardboard friend still fucks with my head so so so bad good god. i get such genuine anxiety watching the "haunted by cardboard friend" video and just hearing the entity speak. it fucks with me so bad. not even hearing toast gives me any reprieve

ouch! started to. cry spontaneously as i felt compelled to draw johnny's physique. like, scars n all. why does this hurt that bad oops. didnt get to draw much of him before i.. had to stop because the tears bubbled up too much and blurred my vision. kinda wanna watch an old VT vid but i'm.. unsure if it'll upset me. ouchie ouch.

you were so annoying for so many months with the angst au shit. filbo fucking fiddlepie is not a complex character he is just fucking stupid and awful and there is no depth in that

other people's negligent actions shouldn't affect my mood so bad. perhaps negligent isnt the right word.. maybe inconsiderate, regardless of whether theyre aware of it or not. a lot of the times, actually, they arent even aware of what theyre doing.. interrupting other people, being impatient, not being open to ideas/critique/criticism.. etc. it's unfortunate because the person could be really kind, or smart, of have really wonderful stories/plots and stuff, but.. it's such a turn off. not in the sex way but in the way that it makes me not want to interact or open up. at all. i was rendered mostly nonverbal for an hour or two because someone made a throwaway comment that made me so self conscious i just vwoop, yoinked far into myself and didn't come back on out. i love voice calling with the REDACTED crew but all it takes is one little shitty thing from an unobservant person to make me fee...

it was just supposed to be a fun little personality test

why.. did you do that. genuine question. you had no reason to dodge wheels' request, but the second that you were told to think of something positive about yourself, your mind just went.. blank. like there wasn't a single redeeming quality about you.

which.. there's not,

but that's not the point.

worrying other people unnecessarily is shitty and fucking awful. you're not going to kill yourself or something. you're not doing so horribly that you're doing sh. it hasn't been like that in a long while, has it? probably thanks to your funny little distancing trick where you think in the third person, as though the events aren't really happening to YOU.

not that you have a great idea conceptually what YOU are anyway. you just like to wax poetic and make observations on shitty behaviors you have as though you're som...

i didn't really.. have a reason for a long time to think about the brugada thing. but i brought it up again tonight while talking with katherine, and i.. am realizing i dont think i gave myself enough time to grieve about that. i cried a lot yeah, but i didnt.. cry cry. i let loose a lot of tears but never sobbed, or actually felt it. it was just.. that same numbness as always.

the possibility that i could just die whenever is not one i should be sitting with comfortably.

i know part of it is that i keep pushing off the reality of that- just like i keep pushing off the reality of me potentially dropping out of college or living in permanent debt or not getting work. or never properly getting diagnosed with autism. or.. any of the other shit. if i pretend like it's not happening, then it's not.

if i pretend like i couldnt die in my sle...

mom NEVER fucking shuts up. mom NEVER fucking shuts up. mom NEVER fucking shuts up.

she feels more adhd than my friends do. she talks over people. she's overbearing. im afraid to hurt her feelings so i push down my own.

what the fck is WRONG with me that the like. *instant* i get home to my moms im immediately put on edge and getting impulses to slam my hands against my head. why did that begin as an impulse anyway. why am i unable to stop. why the fuck do i do it. why am i needing to take deep breaths and prrevent myself from continuing to do it.

just got a Huge Fucking Urge to stab myself in the stomach! i did several times just holding my wacom pen but i put it down because Holy Shit i wasn't able to control the action but i did control that i putit down. also controlling not picking up the scissors on my desk but Boy Howdy It's Hard

realized rudy holiday is like my uncle ted in a lot of ways. ted passed in 2019. that being said, im going to bawl my fucking eyes out if he ends up dying in the later installments of deltarune. already crying just. from making tthe connection.

• Become an animator
• Eat all green skittles
• Get as much cake as humanly possible
• Get married
• Get past binge eating!
• Stop being depressed :-)

that was my old list as of may 2017 i. highly do not agree with several of these now _____________________________________________________________________

• become an animator

-> no thanks. i'm a junior in college now and im almost positive i would rather do storyboarding/prepro work

• eat all green skittles

-> okay that can stay

• get as much cake as humanly possible

-> that's. GOING to make me throw up

the ache in your wrist when you feel the need to cut, the scratching of your nails against skin where that old scar was, feeling the need to create new ones, create new bruises, worsen existing ones

this isn't healthy, you know that while keeping it hidden hurts, telling them would hurt *way more* they don't deserve to deal with your fucking shit on top of their own just shut up anad play the part like you always do

you're so fucking annoying

(isn't this what you told beck to stop doing?)

thank god all of your stream-of-consciousness writing isn't like this

edit: changed a deadname, 01/05/2022

I tried to save a mouse today and brooke n lauren didn't really care. scottie came, took one photo of it, and left. im trying my hardest to keep it safe

edit: it died anyway

executive dysfunction is a bitch! also- that vent account I had started on my insta was,, kind of a waste of time. nobody needs to know this shit, there's no reason to vent besides making people fucking feel bad. that time I told mom I hate being home because of brooke and lauren? maybe an ovverreaction, but still told the truth, and still hurt her. that shit sucks. I dont want her to have to go out of her way for me for any reason or in any capacity. shes got fucking enough on her plate and doesn't need my sorry ass complaining. it's the same as everyone else. they're having to deal with the quarantine too, the world doesn't fuckin' revolve around me.

shit is wack.

i'm in college now, bet i didn't expect that way back when. bet i didn't expect to make it past fifteen back then. haha. things are different now. fundamentally i'm the same person. still as stubborn as always, still cautious, kind where i can be. i have grown as a person, too, naturally. i care more about my family despite what they've done to me. i've sort of come to forgive my father. i've learned to cut ties permanently when i need to. i've come to understand that what others perceive as weakness in me is what my strength comes from. i can stand up no just for friends, but for myself too. not often, certainly, but.. where it counts.

brooke has become not just my ally but also my enemy over the course of 2019. it's not just sibling rivalry anymore, just.. a lack of respect. i'm not sure where that came from.

you're crying because she has friends, you selfish prick. they're so much fucking better than you, her 'best friend'. or are you anymore? do you really deserve to be called a best friend? has someone already revoked your title? yes. yes they have.

if there was a way to kill myself and have someone better in my place i'd do it. i'd do it in a fucking heartbeat. i'm so tired of living. i would've killed myself already if not for those who depend on me. but if someone better suited for the job of "me" would take over then i'd just be dead already

i really dont give a shit about beinf organized here anymore oh well yall have to deal with this wreck, i guess, lmao

why did i push myself? that's the first time i've really like. thrown up thrown up this year, i think. this is bad. this is getting bad.

tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic

• alcohol
• anxiety
• bugs
• conflict
• deadlines
• exhaustion
• existing
• fuckboys
• homophobes
• hot carrots
• ignorance
• injury
• jumpscares
• losing phone charger
• luck
• mac and cheese
• math
• migraines
• my inability to say "no"
• needles
• neon colors

body is tingly. kind of aches.

i'm numb.

you keep thinking you want to read hurt/comfort about taazed but you cant do it. you want revenge on the sick bastard who wronged you but it's only bringing up memories of your own

faith was my lup

when will you learn? some things never change

feeling dizzy.

had a shitty day.

finally opened up to abbs, still haven't told marsh. afraid of making the call for rec tomorrow.

you try too hard. youre too abrasive. youre incompetent. you somehow manage to be extremely underconfident and arrogant/cocky/entitled at the same time

i don't know why i fantasize about realities I can't get to. about people i will never be. about things I will never fix, people I can't help. my mom called it egotistical. to think that I could solve problems that weren't my own. after all, if I could fix them, there'd be no problem in the first place, right?

why am i so paranoid out here

• it's cold, i feel like im bsinhg watched

leave them alone they have better friends than you, thhat's why they pity you they only hang out with you because of pity you shouldn't have told them that thing they're wrried now for no reason

I JUST HEARD NOISE YHST SOUNDED LIKE FOOTSTEPS DOWNSTARIS AND I'M FUCKJNG PETRIFIED WHAT IF I GO DOEN YHERE TOMORROW MORNING ANG IM FUCKING AMBUSHED OR SOMETHING OR I FIND THE DOG DEAD I CANT I FUCKING CANT IM PANICKING

fuck i got so excited over the prospect of being payed for what I do and it just. all went to shit it all went to shit and now I'm crying again why am I crying again

they're a wreck now too because you've told them what the fuck do you think you're doing you're ruining other people's lives with this stop telling people and they won't be worried

you shouldnt damage your soft skin like that over a math test

now they're gonna see and they're gonna tell and you're not gonna have a best friend anymore

one is going to japan and the otherr will betray you with the best intentions

dont avoid them dont ignore them dont make them hate themselves

why am i shaking nothing bad has happened within the past hour

my chest hurts and im crying for the fourth time today

all i am is a bitch to you

i'm so twitchy right now

youre not worth worrying about

• 'come over my house come over my house come over my house'
• 'i'll meet you in the hallway'
• 'oh, if nobody shows up, i'll come!!'
• 'remind me, what were you doing this weekend?'
• 'where were you today?' "at school" 'where?'
• 'why weren't you in school today?'
• finding out where I hang out in the morning unprompted
• him wanting to start a cult
• I'm not gonna let you go before trying it out tomorrow
• interjection into conversation
• knife-machete he has at home
• literally causing me to have panic attacks and dread going to school because I'll see him there
• literally making me fear for my own life, have a breakdown thinking about it, and ...

my arm is genuinely trembling and I can't stop it. normally when i shake i can just stop but this won't go away