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mar 19 2022 ∞
apr 3 2022 + watching vt and while a Lot of things are making me.. regret this (the numerous alcohol references w/ toast, the. boarderline racist bullshit issac pulled in the delphox video, etc) some of this has been? surprisingly kin validating?? ghost referred to the two people in the "paranormal ghost hunting map" as gentlemen and then said "must you two do this??" in like. the exact way i would. i dunno it's sjfdjksdf. bittersweet, seeing the awful through my nostalgia, but at least *some* of it holds up, ig? i have been laughing a little bit.
COD cosplayer: oh wow, the scenery here is so great! It's such a nice setup! Ghost: What do you mean *setup?* This is not a *funhouse!* This is an actual ghost! That is an actual dead guy in an actual... mar 2 2022 ∞
mar 2 2022 + it's.. really sweet when people do things for you without having to ask. dad the past couple days has woken me up around noon with food (pizza, a breakfast sandwich from cliffe's) and it's?? really sweet actually???? usually it's mom doing atuff like that (buying peace teas and other things like milanos before i get home) and i dont typically expect that of dad, but here we are! it's just,, nice,,,,, part of the reason i highkey miss beck is because i miss doing stuff like this for them too. we usually get one another our WB orders if the other is in bed/cant go get it jan 16 2022 ∞
jan 16 2022 + kernel is talking abt the dark crystal rn and i just got the most. VIVID taako feeling ive had in a while. they were talking abt the different races and whatnot and mentioned high elves and my face scrunched up and i got a thought abt how pompous and shitty and stuck up they are (presumably from... personal experience.) and i know i was a sun elf so. that tracks kjdsfjsdf jan 16 2022 ∞
jan 16 2022 + brooke knows me so well... she doesnt even have to ask what i want from food places, she just knows. we got mcdicks this evening and she added pickles n mustard and shit without me even having to ask her. it's stupid and insignificant in the long run but it's just.. sweet. that's my sister ;,,) jan 15 2022 ∞
jan 16 2022 + rosel and i played portal 2 coop for six hours and it was. SO fun jdksfkjsdkj... these bitches stupid as hell (its us, we're bitches) but we did like 95% of it without having to look shit up! there were two closer to the end that were giving us issues but it was really gratifying when we'd solve a wicked hard one and not have to look up a guide/video or anything. i also called rosel "buddy" and got a HUGE boost of fuckin. serotonin or dopamine or whatever-have-you. and i couldnt help but happy flap when she referred to me as such too :o] it was SO cute kjsdfjs. i love my friends greatly,,,, this server overall has just been. WONDERFUL to be in, everyone is not only so fucking kind but frequently calls me filbo and it's gotten to the point where i respond more to that than sav now sdfjsd. that's gonna be a fun one to explain to my roomies when i get back jan 15 2022 ∞
jan 15 2022 + really happy with the new background :o] jan 11 2022 ∞
jan 11 2022 + there's something so.. inexplicably *familiar* about the song my castle town. soft, comforting.. right. i immediately feel at home when i listen to it- and i can (and have) listened to it for *hours* at a time without it getting 'old'. i know i've got a weak spot for piano, and how much it reminds me of childhood, but even without that particular association, like.. i dunno. it just makes me feel so *much*, and not even in an overstim way, just.. like i'm more complete. it sounds stupid when i put it like that but honestly idgaf, it's true! it's obvs the intention of the song, and like, it's doing it's job, clearly, but.. i just find it interesting how much it strikes me in particular. dunno. edit: fixed a typo, 01/15/2022 oct 29 2021 ∞
jan 15 2022 + anyway it's been less than two days and my snowgrave animatic already has over 500 views oct 22 2021 ∞
oct 22 2021 + I finished All The Things You Prayed For and boy howdy I have feelings as per usual. I was able to finish it in 24-36 hours, I think? So about 12 hours each book, cause I did stuff in between. It makes me sad to have no more content but honestly? I'm glad it ended so satisfyingly. Fuck John. I think later on down the line, before I get a new phone, I'll link all of the good TAZ fics here so I can access them even if I don't have my phone. yeehaw edit: 69, NICE apr 19 2020 ∞
apr 19 2020 +
apr 7 2020 ∞
feb 17 2022 + hey! it's been, like, more than a year since i first started my listography haha. didnt realize that until today lmao happy kind-of birthday, my listography? i'd jump up and down and celebrate or whatever but im exhausted and my body is really sore n worn down. this is kind of a milestone though! clearly i made it farther than another year or whatever. i guess thats good may 17 2018 ∞
may 17 2018 +
nov 29 2017 ∞
nov 29 2017 +
apr 21 2017 ∞
jun 10 2017 + i wanna eat rice krispies smothered in pink frosting and spinkles apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 22 2017 + what even is a parable? apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 23 2017 + I wish I had the motivation to write fanfics,, I lov to read them but the content sometimes isn't enough. Or there's no smut for the ship I'm interested in.. i should really write more often apr 23 2017 ∞
apr 23 2017 + food makes me so emotional i'm fucking crying because of cake apr 26 2017 ∞
apr 26 2017 + i wanna dip a zebra cake in melted white chocolate apr 28 2017 ∞
apr 28 2017 + guess who took a 30 minute shower when I only had 45 minutes left ;-)) apr 29 2017 ∞
apr 29 2017 + http://archiveofourown.org/works/9437975... i fucking cried reading this earlier. it's based on The Adventure Zone podcast and Taako specifically,, i really relate to him personally and fuck. this hit too close to home. i really loved it even if it made me bawl my eyes out ◡‿◡✿ may 5 2017 ∞
may 5 2017 + i love thee points where fanfics are so good that you can actuall experience hwat the characters are feeling. ive been anxious and twitching a lot today already just from reading that one about taako and. things that got to hm were things I experience a lot too and I would twitch and just. react a lot like he did i think this has been the taako that I aligned most with in a fanfic,, may 5 2017 ∞
may 5 2017 + Math has one set solution; Art is open-ended and limitless may 15 2017 ∞
may 15 2017 + going on a field trip this wednesday!!! get to skip math almost like the entire week im pumped :-)) may 21 2017 ∞
may 21 2017 + sorry i haven't been posting on here as much. haha. like you care. guess i've just been.. doing better? i'm sick right now but. otherwise i'm alright. i think between work and TAZ i'm thoroughly distracted. dunno. feelin kinda meh but it's better than The Depression Zone™ side note: kind of feeling like using they/she/he pronouns online. nobody will use them for me in real life? so. but uhm yeah. i'm alright with any pronouns, i've realized jul 13 2017 ∞
jul 13 2017 + |
yippee!!!!!! kins updated for 2023 :o] I identify with:
I am questioning: may 9 2023 ∞
sep 24 2023 + things are color coded. they used to be sorted by date too but now i cant keep up
darker: worse jul 23 2017 ∞
aug 18 2017 + yeehaw kins updated for 2022. I identify with:
I am questioning: sep 29 2021 ∞
apr 3 2022 + so I've been having. a LOT of dreams about natural disasters, child death, and my inability to stop said things?? I don't fucking know WHY but its definitely tied to feeling like I'm not in control of shit or smth. anyway here's summaries Very vivid dream. Raining out while me and Brooke are travelling via car through the city- looked like Leominster at times, felt like Boston or a long road windy seaside town. Misty and foggy and grey. We arrive at destination- Brooke gets to go through this lil clinic no problem and doesn't wait for me. I have to stand there and put on my mask (which was wet from the rain, so I asked for a new one). They ask me what date I was vaccinated, and because I hesitate just *once*, they ask me for ID. It takes me a moment to fish it out of my pocket, and while I'm procuring it he says "Oh, actually, you're fine." And I ofc am like "Are you sure? I feel li... sep 29 2021 ∞
jan 5 2022 + adding tws to all of my old triggering shit (or new triggering shit LMAO) sep 29 2021 ∞
sep 29 2021 + haven't really updated this in a long time. so much has happened, it's just kind of a whirlwind of activity.
may 10 2018 ∞
sep 29 2021 + getting real big taako vibes right now i wanna make macarons and just. snuggle with lup and have a conversation or have krav hold me tight and sing to me i even miss barry it's weird oct 6 2017 ∞
oct 14 2021 +
apr 21 2017 ∞
may 17 2017 + Yes, I am/was a filthy kinnie. I identify with:
I relate to and have as comfort characters:
apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 7 2020 + i have a lot of complicated feelings about sazed? god, it fucking overwhelms me sometimes. i miss him sometimes. fuck, i miss him, but. he was such a shitbag and i can't even think and just. he ruined what good of a life i had after we were all fucked over. it just made me isolated again. i miss lup. i'm glad to have her back. jul 13 2017 ∞
jul 13 2017 + ffuck i need to cry but hey! i'm going to canobie after work on monday so. that's pretty rad! that's not something to cry about i should be excited jul 8 2017 ∞
jul 8 2017 + really disoriented jun 28 2017 ∞
jun 28 2017 + they think my sister will get diabetes if we continue with our diet the way it is. now i'm fucking crying so fucking hard. we just had a ✨healthy dinner✨ and i'm watching shane make a junk food cake and all i can think about is how i wish that were me why do i have such a love/hate relationship with food jun 5 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + the best thoughts come to me when I can't write them down. apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 23 2017 + why do I always procrastinate on shit I need done?? I've had all vacation to work on these fucking projcts and I can't bring myself to do them. fuck. I have
just wish me luck!! lol!! apr 23 2017 ∞
may 5 2017 + i'm so unstable right now apr 30 2017 ∞
apr 30 2017 +
apr 30 2017 ∞
apr 7 2020 + i feel so masculine today even though i'm dressed like any other day,, i don't know why. it's weird. also Anxiety™ may 10 2017 ∞
may 10 2017 + i dont want to be the bubblegum you keep chewing after the taste is gone may 10 2017 ∞
may 10 2017 + you binged again after a fucking sad day. eating an ice cube and listening to the game grumps helped this time. keep that in mind. also, remember that you're not alone. (abbs) suggested the ice, he's a good friend. you can tell him stuff, he doesn't know about the situation so it's cool. edit: changed a deadname/pronouns, 9/30/2022 may 14 2017 ∞
sep 30 2022 + recently dawned on me that you're being shitty to push everyone away!! so. life tip. if you don't want them to leave,
may 15 2017 ∞
may 15 2017 + i laid on mr matthews' floor for at least a half an hour eating pretzels may 18 2017 ∞
may 18 2017 + it's people like me that my mom doesn't want me hanging around with may 24 2017 ∞
may 24 2017 + i had the urge to drink for the first time today. i've never wanted to befroe but today i wanna numb everything too bad we don't have beer jun 1 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + had a dream that i was in a terrible car crash. it was me and a bunch of people/kids and we were in a bus and as soon as it hit one slope wrong it toppled and rolled over. 14 people died. also, Matthias, the Youtuber, had been on board?? but i'm not sure if he died. all i remember is how painful it was jun 13 2017 ∞
jun 13 2017 + sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I was pretty may 17 2017 ∞
may 17 2017 + |
i know so intensely the feeling of wanting to up and leave your own life so badly that you fuck off to an uninhabited island and live there, even if it's even more uncertain than whst youve got going on. i just. wanna fuck off to snaktooth. never come back. just deal with building cabins, solving disputes, catching snax to eat. having a liz around, just. /someone/ i can turn to, /please/. anyone. anyone at all. mar 4 2022 ∞
mar 4 2022 + MAN the fucking. the fucking. the fucking. amount of. kin feelings i've got tonight. and This One Isn't Good. cardboard friend still fucks with my head so so so bad good god. i get such genuine anxiety watching the "haunted by cardboard friend" video and just hearing the entity speak. it fucks with me so bad. not even hearing toast gives me any reprieve mar 2 2022 ∞
mar 2 2022 + ouch! started to. cry spontaneously as i felt compelled to draw johnny's physique. like, scars n all. why does this hurt that bad oops. didnt get to draw much of him before i.. had to stop because the tears bubbled up too much and blurred my vision. kinda wanna watch an old VT vid but i'm.. unsure if it'll upset me. ouchie ouch. mar 2 2022 ∞
mar 2 2022 + you were so annoying for so many months with the angst au shit. filbo fucking fiddlepie is not a complex character he is just fucking stupid and awful and there is no depth in that jan 11 2022 ∞
jan 11 2022 + other people's negligent actions shouldn't affect my mood so bad. perhaps negligent isnt the right word.. maybe inconsiderate, regardless of whether theyre aware of it or not. a lot of the times, actually, they arent even aware of what theyre doing.. interrupting other people, being impatient, not being open to ideas/critique/criticism.. etc. it's unfortunate because the person could be really kind, or smart, of have really wonderful stories/plots and stuff, but.. it's such a turn off. not in the sex way but in the way that it makes me not want to interact or open up. at all. i was rendered mostly nonverbal for an hour or two because someone made a throwaway comment that made me so self conscious i just vwoop, yoinked far into myself and didn't come back on out. i love voice calling with the REDACTED crew but all it takes is one little shitty thing from an unobservant person to make me fee... jan 11 2022 ∞
jan 11 2022 + it was just supposed to be a fun little personality test jan 5 2022 ∞
jan 5 2022 + why.. did you do that. genuine question. you had no reason to dodge wheels' request, but the second that you were told to think of something positive about yourself, your mind just went.. blank. like there wasn't a single redeeming quality about you. which.. there's not, but that's not the point. worrying other people unnecessarily is shitty and fucking awful. you're not going to kill yourself or something. you're not doing so horribly that you're doing sh. it hasn't been like that in a long while, has it? probably thanks to your funny little distancing trick where you think in the third person, as though the events aren't really happening to YOU. not that you have a great idea conceptually what YOU are anyway. you just like to wax poetic and make observations on shitty behaviors you have as though you're som... jan 5 2022 ∞
jan 5 2022 + i didn't really.. have a reason for a long time to think about the brugada thing. but i brought it up again tonight while talking with katherine, and i.. am realizing i dont think i gave myself enough time to grieve about that. i cried a lot yeah, but i didnt.. cry cry. i let loose a lot of tears but never sobbed, or actually felt it. it was just.. that same numbness as always. the possibility that i could just die whenever is not one i should be sitting with comfortably. i know part of it is that i keep pushing off the reality of that- just like i keep pushing off the reality of me potentially dropping out of college or living in permanent debt or not getting work. or never properly getting diagnosed with autism. or.. any of the other shit. if i pretend like it's not happening, then it's not. if i pretend like i couldnt die in my sle... jan 1 2022 ∞
jan 5 2022 + mom NEVER fucking shuts up. mom NEVER fucking shuts up. mom NEVER fucking shuts up. she feels more adhd than my friends do. she talks over people. she's overbearing. im afraid to hurt her feelings so i push down my own. nov 25 2021 ∞
nov 25 2021 + what the fck is WRONG with me that the like. *instant* i get home to my moms im immediately put on edge and getting impulses to slam my hands against my head. why did that begin as an impulse anyway. why am i unable to stop. why the fuck do i do it. why am i needing to take deep breaths and prrevent myself from continuing to do it. oct 22 2021 ∞
oct 22 2021 + just got a Huge Fucking Urge to stab myself in the stomach! i did several times just holding my wacom pen but i put it down because Holy Shit i wasn't able to control the action but i did control that i putit down. also controlling not picking up the scissors on my desk but Boy Howdy It's Hard oct 17 2021 ∞
oct 17 2021 + realized rudy holiday is like my uncle ted in a lot of ways. ted passed in 2019. that being said, im going to bawl my fucking eyes out if he ends up dying in the later installments of deltarune. already crying just. from making tthe connection. oct 14 2021 ∞
oct 14 2021 +
that was my old list as of may 2017 i. highly do not agree with several of these now _____________________________________________________________________
-> no thanks. i'm a junior in college now and im almost positive i would rather do storyboarding/prepro work
-> okay that can stay
-> that's. GOING to make me throw up sep 29 2021 ∞
sep 29 2021 + the ache in your wrist when you feel the need to cut, the scratching of your nails against skin where that old scar was, feeling the need to create new ones, create new bruises, worsen existing ones this isn't healthy, you know that while keeping it hidden hurts, telling them would hurt *way more* they don't deserve to deal with your fucking shit on top of their own just shut up anad play the part like you always do you're so fucking annoying (isn't this what you told beck to stop doing?) thank god all of your stream-of-consciousness writing isn't like this edit: changed a deadname, 01/05/2022 sep 29 2021 ∞
jan 5 2022 + I tried to save a mouse today and brooke n lauren didn't really care. scottie came, took one photo of it, and left. im trying my hardest to keep it safe edit: it died anyway apr 19 2020 ∞
sep 29 2021 + executive dysfunction is a bitch! also- that vent account I had started on my insta was,, kind of a waste of time. nobody needs to know this shit, there's no reason to vent besides making people fucking feel bad. that time I told mom I hate being home because of brooke and lauren? maybe an ovverreaction, but still told the truth, and still hurt her. that shit sucks. I dont want her to have to go out of her way for me for any reason or in any capacity. shes got fucking enough on her plate and doesn't need my sorry ass complaining. it's the same as everyone else. they're having to deal with the quarantine too, the world doesn't fuckin' revolve around me. apr 7 2020 ∞
sep 29 2021 + shit is wack. i'm in college now, bet i didn't expect that way back when. bet i didn't expect to make it past fifteen back then. haha. things are different now. fundamentally i'm the same person. still as stubborn as always, still cautious, kind where i can be. i have grown as a person, too, naturally. i care more about my family despite what they've done to me. i've sort of come to forgive my father. i've learned to cut ties permanently when i need to. i've come to understand that what others perceive as weakness in me is what my strength comes from. i can stand up no just for friends, but for myself too. not often, certainly, but.. where it counts. brooke has become not just my ally but also my enemy over the course of 2019. it's not just sibling rivalry anymore, just.. a lack of respect. i'm not sure where that came from. oct 25 2019 ∞
sep 29 2021 + you're crying because she has friends, you selfish prick. they're so much fucking better than you, her 'best friend'. or are you anymore? do you really deserve to be called a best friend? has someone already revoked your title? yes. yes they have. sep 7 2017 ∞
sep 7 2017 + if there was a way to kill myself and have someone better in my place i'd do it. i'd do it in a fucking heartbeat. i'm so tired of living. i would've killed myself already if not for those who depend on me. but if someone better suited for the job of "me" would take over then i'd just be dead already nov 25 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + i really dont give a shit about beinf organized here anymore oh well yall have to deal with this wreck, i guess, lmao nov 23 2017 ∞
nov 23 2017 + why did i push myself? that's the first time i've really like. thrown up thrown up this year, i think. this is bad. this is getting bad. nov 5 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic tic sep 20 2017 ∞
sep 20 2017 +
apr 22 2017 ∞
aug 5 2017 + body is tingly. kind of aches. i'm numb. jun 21 2017 ∞
jun 21 2017 + you keep thinking you want to read hurt/comfort about taazed but you cant do it. you want revenge on the sick bastard who wronged you but it's only bringing up memories of your own jul 23 2017 ∞
jul 23 2017 + faith was my lup jul 15 2017 ∞
oct 6 2017 + when will you learn? some things never change jun 10 2017 ∞
jun 10 2017 + feeling dizzy. had a shitty day. finally opened up to abbs, still haven't told marsh. afraid of making the call for rec tomorrow. jun 15 2017 ∞
jun 15 2017 + you try too hard. youre too abrasive. youre incompetent. you somehow manage to be extremely underconfident and arrogant/cocky/entitled at the same time apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 22 2017 + i don't know why i fantasize about realities I can't get to. about people i will never be. about things I will never fix, people I can't help. my mom called it egotistical. to think that I could solve problems that weren't my own. after all, if I could fix them, there'd be no problem in the first place, right? apr 22 2017 ∞
apr 22 2017 + why am i so paranoid out here
apr 23 2017 ∞
apr 23 2017 + leave them alone they have better friends than you, thhat's why they pity you they only hang out with you because of pity you shouldn't have told them that thing they're wrried now for no reason apr 29 2017 ∞
apr 29 2017 + I JUST HEARD NOISE YHST SOUNDED LIKE FOOTSTEPS DOWNSTARIS AND I'M FUCKJNG PETRIFIED WHAT IF I GO DOEN YHERE TOMORROW MORNING ANG IM FUCKING AMBUSHED OR SOMETHING OR I FIND THE DOG DEAD I CANT I FUCKING CANT IM PANICKING apr 25 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + fuck i got so excited over the prospect of being payed for what I do and it just. all went to shit it all went to shit and now I'm crying again why am I crying again apr 30 2017 ∞
apr 30 2017 + they're a wreck now too because you've told them what the fuck do you think you're doing you're ruining other people's lives with this stop telling people and they won't be worried apr 30 2017 ∞
apr 30 2017 + you shouldnt damage your soft skin like that over a math test may 10 2017 ∞
sep 29 2021 + now they're gonna see and they're gonna tell and you're not gonna have a best friend anymore one is going to japan and the otherr will betray you with the best intentions may 10 2017 ∞
may 10 2017 + dont avoid them dont ignore them dont make them hate themselves may 10 2017 ∞
may 10 2017 + why am i shaking nothing bad has happened within the past hour may 14 2017 ∞
may 14 2017 + my chest hurts and im crying for the fourth time today may 17 2017 ∞
may 17 2017 + all i am is a bitch to you i'm so twitchy right now may 19 2017 ∞
may 19 2017 + youre not worth worrying about may 21 2017 ∞
may 21 2017 +
may 23 2017 ∞
jun 2 2017 + my arm is genuinely trembling and I can't stop it. normally when i shake i can just stop but this won't go away may 23 2017 ∞
may 23 2017 + |