i didn't really.. have a reason for a long time to think about the brugada thing. but i brought it up again tonight while talking with katherine, and i.. am realizing i dont think i gave myself enough time to grieve about that. i cried a lot yeah, but i didnt.. cry cry. i let loose a lot of tears but never sobbed, or actually felt it. it was just.. that same numbness as always.

the possibility that i could just die whenever is not one i should be sitting with comfortably.

i know part of it is that i keep pushing off the reality of that- just like i keep pushing off the reality of me potentially dropping out of college or living in permanent debt or not getting work. or never properly getting diagnosed with autism. or.. any of the other shit. if i pretend like it's not happening, then it's not.

if i pretend like i couldnt die in my sleep any day now, then i won't.

it's... fine. oh. and happy new years.

edit: changed the title, 01/05/2022