im sorry i just. need to get my thoughts out SOMEWHERE because its not like i can go to anybody about it.ive been looking back through old messages/artwork this past couple of days to fill up my toyhouse. which- yeah, cool, i found a lot of artwork i'd COMPLETELY forgotten about. but my mental state, given that ive already had several breakdowns recently and am ghosting at least six people.. i dont know why i thought taking a stroll down memory lane would help me.

i miss 2021/22. i miss roleplaying with people every day. i miss polly. i miss petra. i miss ghost. i miss wheels. i miss soph. fuck, i miss *brie*, i miss rosel. i miss.. tqe, and boss rush, and the portal au, and the physical space i was in as this all occured.

i miss being with my roommates. i miss living under the same roof with like five of my friends and being able to look out for one another and bitch about the same struggles and cuddle. i miss not having to pay rent, not having to work as many days as i can just to keep my head above water. i miss art being more central to my life, to my purpose, to the way i connected with other people. i miss kaiser. i miss katherine. i miss fiona. i miss alex. i miss evan. i miss beck and mason and max and ash and maya and jasper and cassie, and fuck i even miss the good times with pixel.

i miss faith perry. i miss glenn. i miss going over their house. i miss playing the sims 3 and slenderman and the shrek 2 xbox game and being out on the playground and being in the loft and eating icecream in her kitchen at 12am.

there's so much i dont miss. but the longer i sit here the more intensely i feel this hole in my heart. i wanna fix things with polly, i wish it'd go back to the way things were where we were talking every day and roleplaying and enjoying the same things. i wish i was seeing alex at work every day and having them over after shift to see doodle for a moment before they go home. i wish i was 12 again and making cinnamon roll waffles with fiona in her ashby house. i wish i was in evan's entryway on a mattress with china.

• ..why does shit suck.

i feel like im not even allowed to grieve any of this, to grieve my childhood or years past, because things should be good now. i live with maple and eric. if i didnt at the very least live with maple ongod i think i'd kill myself ebcause i cant be purp[oseless in life. i cant have nothing and noone to look forward to and right no a life wth maple is the only thing to look forward to. everything is the same and i dont talk to the people i care about anymore and i dont see them and they think i hate them probably and i HATE GROWING DISTANT FROM PEOPLE BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO SAY OR HOW! ITS UNNACEPTABLE TO JUST GHOST PEOPLE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME NO ATTER HOWM ENTALLY UNWELL YOURE DOING. IF YOU FUCKING CARED ABOUTE PEOPLE YOUD TELL THEM THAT YOU CANT TALK RIGT NW OR SOMETHIG YOU WOULDNT AKE HYEM WORRIED YOU ABSOLUTE PRICK! YOURE ALREADY MAKING MAPLE WORRIED AND THEY DONT NEED FUCKIGN STRESS THE YY CANT JUST TAKE CARE OF YOU YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE THATS NOT HEALTHY FOR THEM AND YOU WANT THEM TO FUCKING BE OKAY DONT YOU? THEYRE GOING TO GET BURNT OUT AN TIRED OF YOU AND ITS GOING TO BE ALL YOUR FUCKIGN FAULT BECAUSE YOU CANT MANAGE YOURSELF LIFKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING. THEY ARE GOING TO LIVE AND UNSATISFYING ANF UNFULFILLING LIFE SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE YOU ARE THEIR PARTNER YOU FCUKIGN FREAK. YOU SHOUDL FUCKIGNDIE