i'm at the end of march and things are the best they've been for me in almost three years. there is the promise of a future with me in it that's not constrained to one place, the same place i've been beating my feet for the past twenty years that i've been trying and failing to leave. at some point i feel like i've lost myself. sometimes it feels like i've forgotten how to write. how to format paragraphs and structure a sentence. nothing comes naturally anymore, and i guess it could bring into question what it means for something to be "natural," anyway. i'm more sure of the person i want to become while simultaenously being terrified that nothing will ever happen to me and i will stagnate forever with my successes forever being calcified by the person i shed three millennia ago. i'm not sure where this is going to end. but it will keep going, in the way that most things tend to do. i'm not sure how i will keep going but i feel like i have this vice grip around my own throat demanding and spurring myself on to be different but the same but something entirely new. where does the fine point end and begin? the distance feels faraway. i'm not sure i'm equipped to chase it and i know that i'm willing to try. but the uncertainty of everything that will come after is gnawing away at me. i am a bone and the world is a dog.