• Jim: Wazzup... I still love that, after seven years.
• Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono, uh, and probably God, would be the fourth one. And I guess, I just think all those people really uh helped, the world, in so many ways, that it’s um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really incalculcable.

102: DIVERSITY DAY

• Michael: Where's my Oprah moment?
• Jim: Uh.. not a bad day.

103: HEALTH CARE

• Jim: If this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.
• Dwight: In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, heathcare is ow, I hurt my leg, I can’t run, a lion eats me, and I’m dead. Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
• Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.

Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol? Dwight: So I can lower it.

• Dwight: Count Choculitis.

Jim: Whew, sounds tough. Dwight: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula? Jim: Do you?

104: THE ALLIANCE

• Dwight: It’s a real shame, because studies have shown that more information gets passed through watercooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because … I bring my own water to work.
• Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn’t like to gamble. Of course by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn’t smack her.
• Michael: Y’know what, if I were allergic to dairy, I’d have to kill myself.
• Dwight: Good. Excellent. And file sharing off. And... done. Security software, 128-bit encryption, firewalls, get all that installed on your computer.

Jim: No thanks. Dwight: Stupid. Identity theft happens all the time. I could become you (snaps fingers) like that. But no one can become me. Jim: No one wants to be you, Dwight. Dwight: Not true. And if they did, they couldn’t, because I’m password-protected. Jim: What’s your password, “Frodo”? Dwight: No. (Changes password.) Jim: Did you just change it to “Gollum”? Dwight: No. (Changes password again.)

• Jim: At that moment, I was just so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does, annoys me... and I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only ways that would get me arrested, and then here he comes, and he says, “No, Jim, here’s a way.”

106: HOT GIRL

• Michael: I live by one rule. No office romances. No way, very messy, inappropriate, no. But... I live by another rule. Just do it. Nike.
• Dwight: Let me describe the perfect date. I take her out to a nice dinner. She looks amazing. Some guy tries to hit on her. Now he wants to fight. So I grab him, I throw him into a jukebox. Then the other ninja’s got a knife, he comes at me, we grapple, I turn his knife on him. Blood on the dance floor. She’s scared now. I take her home. I’m holding her in my arms. I reach in for a kiss. I hear something in the leaves. I flip her around, she gets a poison arrow right in her back. She was in on it the whole time. But I knew.

201: THE DUNDIES

• Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
• Michael: TMI? — “Too Much Information.” Uh, it’s just easier to say TMI. I used to say “don’t go there,” but that’s lame.
• Pam: I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.

202: SEXUAL HARASSMENT

• Michael: I am King of Forwards. It’s how I like to do business. Everybody joking around. We’re like friends. I am Chandler and Joey, and uh, Pam is Rachel, and Dwight is Kramer.
• Michael: Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he’s really not a part of our family. Also he’s divorced, so he’s really not a part of his family.

203: OFFICE OLYMPICS

• Michael: I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and I have worms.
• Pam: The thing about Jim is, when he’s excited about something, like the office Olympics, he gets really into it, and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is, that he works here, so that hardly ever happens.
• Michael: There’s a basic principle, in real estate. That you should never be the best looking person in the development. It’s just sort of common sense. Because if you are, then, you got no place to go but down.
• Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.

204: THE FIRE

• Michael: I’m like Mr. Miyagi and Yoda rolled into one.
• Dwight: This is not a test! Can you leave?

Phyllis: Oh, you say that every time. Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?

• Michael: Adapt, react, readapt, apt. Alright? That’s rule number two.
• Angela: The Da Vinci Code. I would take the Da Vinci Code. So I could burn the Da Vinci Code.
• Dwight: Fine. Physician’s Desk Reference.

Jim: Nice. Smart. Dwight: Hollowed out. Inside, waterproof matches, iodine tablets, beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and in case I get bored, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

207: THE CLIENT

• Michael: Wow, graphs and charts. Somebody’s really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today.
• Michael: Here’s the thing, Chili’s is the new golf course. It’s where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine.

Jan: It said that? Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor.

• Michael: Hey everybody, listen up. This is what we’re gonna do. You sit tight until I return. Sound good? Doesn’t matter, it’s an order. Follow it blindly!
• Michael: I don’t understand. You want to see other people. Only other people.
• Pam: Swaying isn't dancing.
• Jim: Okay, we didn’t dance. And I was totally joking, anyway. I mean, it’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?

208: PERFORMANCE REVIEW

• Kelly: You said constructive compliments. That doesn’t make any sense.

Michael: Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions.

• Michael: Never missed a day my ass.

209: E-MAIL SURVEILLANCE

• Michael: The problem is that when people hear the term “Big Brother,” they immediately think it’s scary or bad. But I don’t. I think, “Wow, I love my Big Brother.”
• Angela: Um, I think it’s alright. I mean, Jesus drank wine.
• IT Guy: Do you have a question or something? About my turban, maybe?

Michael: Nope. No. I actually wear a turban sometimes. Wanna see it? (Puts on turban.) IT Guy: Why do you have that? Michael: Comedy. It’s funny. It’s Johnny Carson, Karnac. It’s um … did you have Johnny Carson in your land? IT Guy: In Pittsburgh? Yeah, but I never really watched him. Michael: Oh. You were forbidden. IT Guy: No … I just am younger than you. I watched Conan.

210: CHRISTMAS PARTY

• Kevin: Why did you get it so big?

Michael: A, that’s what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Kevin: But what are we gonna do with this hacked-off part? Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That’s what Christmas is all about.

• Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.
• Dwight: Yankee Swap is like... Machievelli meets... Christmas.
• Michael: Unbelievable, I do the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for these people, and they freak out. Well, happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

211: BOOZE CRUISE

• Michael: Leader... ship. The word ship is hidden inside the word leadership. As its derivation.
• Michael: In an office, when you are ranking people, manager is higher than captain. On a boat, who knows. It’s nebuloze.
• Captain: I can marry you right now, as captain of this ship!

Michael: I can marry you as regional manager of Dunder Mifflin!

• Michael: Well if you like her so much, don’t give up.

Jim: She’s engaged. Michael: BFD. Engaged ain’t married. Jim: Huh. Michael: Never, ever, EVER, give up.

212: THE INJURY

• Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since, I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So … most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then, I wake up, to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day. Today, I got up, I stepped onto the grill, and it clamped down on my foot, that’s it. I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.
• Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate.

Michael: Oh, did you explain why? Pam: No, I didn’t mention that you cooked your foot. Michael: Burned my foot, Pam. (While Jim pops the bubble wrap wrapping Michael’s foot) Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Jim: So where are you shipping your foot?

• Pam: It’s just that before you said you didn’t want any special treatment.

Michael: I don’t … want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would, a family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Pam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy.

• Pam: What.

Michael: Come here please. Pam: Tell me before I come there. Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam: No. Michael: Pam, please. I have Country Crock.

• Jim: So … I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now.

Pam: Oh god no, Dwight isn’t my friend... Oh my god, Dwight’s kind of my friend.

• Michael: No, no, no one is helping me out at all, Mom. No, I’m not going to call Jan. She’d just worry. Drive down here and make a big thing … who told you that? No, it was mutual! What is Pam doing chatting with you?
• Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me, and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.

Toby: Ryan is uh … dead. Michael: No he’s not. Toby: Dead. Michael: I just saw him. Toby: No.

• Jim: Do you think Dwight’s being a little weird today?

Pam: No. He’s actually been really nice, and helpful. Jim: And … that isn’t weird. Pam: Wow.

• Michael: I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability. Although I’m sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles.

Stanley: I’m not disabled, and neither are you. Michael: Okay… (flings crutch across room) … what does this look like to you, Stanley? Stanley: Mailboxes Etcetera.

• Michael: Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me.

Phyllis: Oh … we wouldn’t. We love Stevie Wonder.

• Michael: Let me ask you something. How longs it take for you to do something simple, everyday, like, like brush your teeth in the morning.

Billy Merchant: I don’t know, like thirty seconds? Michael: Oh my god. That’s three times as long as it takes me.

• Jim: I want to clamp Michael’s face in a George Foreman grill.
• Michael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear: the first person to shout shotgun when you’re within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion.
• Dwight: Where are we going?

Jim: We’re going to Chuck E. Cheese. Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh god, I’m so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Jim: We’re going to the hospital Michael. Michael: I know. Just sayin’ …

• Michael (filling out form): Dwight, what is your middle name?

Dwight: Danger. Michael: Something with a k … Jim: It’s Kurt. Wow, I’m so sad that I know that.

213: THE SECRET

• Pam: I bought my veil.

Kelly: Omigod, that is so exciting. Can I be a bridesmaid?

• Dwight: Listen, temp, I am conducting a little investigation, so I am no longer gonna head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?

Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it. Dwight: Do you think, or do you know? Ryan: I think.

• Pam: Um, how many different ways are there to sniffle?

Dwight: Three. Pam: Okay, it was the second one. Dwight: Okay, good, thank you. That wasn’t so hard, now was that?

• Kevin: Hey Michael, so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding?

Michael: You know what, Kevin, Jim is a friend of mine. So the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam. And me.

• Jim: Well, the cat’s out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam, and now, I … don’t. Riveting.

214: THE CARPET

• Ryan: Jim’s been looking at me, kind of a lot, all week, I would be creeped out by it, but, it’s nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me.
• Kelly: Beyoncé, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome, snow cones …
• Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.

Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it!

• Kelly: Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together. But don’t tell him that, okay. Just tell him I’m like, up for anything. I mean I’m not a slut but, who knows?
• Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him.

Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Michael: I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse, happy? Why am I talking to you.

• Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, uh no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.
• Pam Voicemail #2: Hey, guess what. I moved my computer so I can’t see Michael’s head. It’s working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator.
• Pam Voicemail #3: Sudoku. Level moderate. Time, 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert.
• Pam Voicemail #4: I’ll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold please. Dunder Mifflin, this is … okay, sorry, Michael was standing at my desk and I needed to be busy or who knows what would have happened, so thank you.
• Pam Voicemail #5: Hey, what’s that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe.

215: BOYS AND GIRLS

• Michael: What’s more important than quality? Equality.
• Michael: Toby, come on over. You’re a guy … too … sort of.
• Dwight: Remember on Lost? When they met The Others?
• Kevin: I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam. I bet he’ll try to beat you up.

Jim: Thanks for the heads up, Kev. Kevin: I got your back if he does. But try to stay out of it.

• Michael: You may look around, and see two groups here. White collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way. You know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
• Roy: Glad she has a friend at work that she can get through the day with, she’s not all blah blah blah when she gets home …

Jim: Yeah, I like talking to her too.

• Angela: I’m not gaining anything from this seminar. I’m a professional woman. The head of accounting. I’m in the healthiest relationship in my life. I just think it’s insulting that Jan thinks we need this. And apparently, judging from her outfit, Jan aspires to be a whore.

414: THE CHAIR MODEL

• Michael: Would an average-sized rowboat support her without capsizing? It bothers me that you're not answering the question.
• Michael: I am a catch, and I am not going to be the one to get away.
• Michael: Oh really? What's her name? Burger King?
• Andrew: Andrew Bernard is the name of me.
• Kevin: It's just nice to win one.
• Michael: I'm a man of intensity. Of, of, cool, youth, and, and passionately.
• Pam: I'm not going to move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.

Jim: Have I not proposed to you yet?

• Jim: When it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beesly. So... stay sharp.

Pam: I've been warned.

• Jim: I am not kidding. Got it a week after we started dating.
• Dwight: You know what you need? Closure.

Michael: You're right. What do you mean, though?

415: NIGHT OUT

• Pam: No, Dwight, not the good peanut butter, people are going to get mad!
• Michael: They just lack a certain... Crawfordness.
• Kelly: If I had created a website with this many problems, I'd kill myself.
• Kelly: Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?
• Michael: I am not applauding sarcastically.
• Michael: I say... let's heart it for the boys.

416: DID I STUTTER?

• Jim: If you were a real star, you’d put your face in it.
• Michael: Pam clearly has just given up trying.
• Michael: Zing and pep, those are the kind of words we’re looking for.
• Kevin: Could you just say, "These are due back Thursday."
• Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.
• Michael: I am serious. We are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.
• Michael: Why don't they just make the plane out of airline food?