well, this is prolly the revamp ver of my "state" list..... idk

• 0120 | uhm, 2017's going well, i guess
• 0205 | what the frick im so irritated p4p @ work this month is BOMB but aht is also a requirement its like i've alrdy lost a competition i never got the chance to be into in the first place
• 0311 | ive been feeling fed up lately as if i want to........ quit work....
• 0318 | my fucking anxiety is having me crying again im so fucking tired when will i be able to get over this
  • im so mad that its been years & this thesis & anxiety are still haunting me like crazy i hate this feeling
• 0409 | i am so fucking tired, i didnt get to get that incentive that i deserve from work i am this close to quitting tbh
• 0418 | i literally just lost my drive to report to work
  • idk, idc, rip
• 0602 | update: im motivated to go to work again yay!
  • i've gotten rid of extended lunch yay!
  • i've started rendering ots again yay!
    • (to clear those annoying eaf points)
  • i'm not getting late...... that frequent anymore.... yay!
  • summary : im slowly getting back
• 0622 | yall i am so TIREDT that escalation got me so stressed im rly determined to get promoted now tho
• 0703 | wtf work, pls stop giving me reasons to lose drive to report to work i am literally so tired... just please........ :c
• 0709 | aaaaaaand, its that time again when i re-evaluate my life
  • i want new clothes, exercise, save money, talk less, think more, let my hair grow long, have a stronger relationship with my family, stop overthinking, smile and laugh more genuinely, new music to listen to, learn korean again, get back to school, get enough sleep, treat myself + fam, leave work on scheduled eos, give myself a chance, love myself more, and take care of myself
  • i want to be better and healthier
• 0713 | hello, pls watch reply 1997; a legendary drama that makes me get my lith-panromantic ass off the seat, jumping and giggling like a madman at ungodly hours
• 0827 | yall really want to know an update ? a week ago i was crying myself to sleep while having suicidal thoughts. at that time it was both sad and comforting to think about me dying and how people who knew me would react and what would they say. i know its alarming that ive had those kinds of thoughts, ive also freaked myself out tbh. it was the first time, but this fucking job have had me stressed out too much, and until recently to the point of almost as much as i was during i was taking up my theses back when i still went to school which were btw the worst moments of my life. anxiety and depression arent a good mix, can yall believe i experienced both at the age of 17/18? its not anywhere near anything good. it sucks. i remember crying a lot, not bc those theses were hard but bc its so unfair. everything was and is unfair and i wouldnt even have enough time to type it all here bc it going to take up a lot of space and its not even like i want to recall them all in detail. im sure as u can see from my updates, its always about me getting tired and wanting to quit. "tired" isnt even a feeling for me anymore, its more of like a state of mind. ive always complained about getting tired, not even in physical aspect. im just so exhausted and straight up done. with everything. i just want to rest. i honestly didnt even realize that the rest that i crave for would even lead me to having suicidal thoughts. at the point in time a rest forever just sounded so good. and i cried my heart out. it was quite a long time since the last time that i did. so i cried and cried until i fell asleep. i also secretly wished that i would feel different when i wake up. and so i woke up, not want to die anymore, but still feeling tired. i have to go to work. i picked myself up & prepared. then i was crying again. i was crying bc it was my first shift of the week, and i feel like i cant even go through even just that whole week at work. i wanted to quit, right there and then. i planned on writing my resignation letter and submitting it the day after. i tried giving hints and talking to my friends at work about it. they told me maybe it was just another phase, i was just "burned out" and needed rest. the week turned out to be all kinds of messing up. i filed an escalation ticket against my supervisor which btw was supposed to be anonymous but she still ended up knowing (we dont have beef, it hard to explain), she filed a two-week leave of absence for me that will take effect by first week of september so "i can rest", me and another colleague ended as one of the bottom teams of our site's battle of the brains event, another supervisor considering on taking me into their team, the escalation being a hot topic of the whole office and everyone knew about it. i talked to naynay about it when i was sane enough, told her that i just needed rest and told her about the upcoming loa. she told me to just stay firm, hold on unto God's promises, and reminded me of my responsibilities (aka bills i have to pay, lmao). so practically i still hate work, i still have a week before the loa and i just have to go through this last week just fine. i really hope it will be fine. i hope....... and i pray that i get through this asap. i just want to get this over with and laugh about it later.
• 0918 | so its my last day of loa and im gonna be returning to work later at night. this update is a happy update. i turned out to be right, that i just needed this loa so i can rest and regain my motivation. i've also found something that will keep me quite busy and pre-occupied. and i'm p sure it'll also keep anxiety and depression quite away for some time. i've found a new eye candy, mark lee!! he's!! a cute!! baby!! munchkin!!! that i have to protect at all cost. yall rmbr that kid chulgu told olltii about and olltii ended up recognizing??? youre guessing it right; mark!! he's soooo talented; his rapping skills are above subpar, the first rapper from sment i have ever acknowledged!! his dancing skill are also a++!! his laugh!! his hands!! have i already said that he's super super suppepppperrrer cute??? i mean look at him cutely sneezing !!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAa i want to scream so hard on top of my lungs. i am so happy, i am so soft. my heart is full of love. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
• 1218 | it's almost the end of the year, i need to do this more often starting next year. anyway, can y'all believe the biggest plot twist of this year actually happened when it was abt to end??? i've been thinking for quite some time now that if i wouldn't be promoted before this year ends, i'd prolly stop even trying. but i was. i'm just- overwhelmed. God really have better plans when he says "not yet." reading the update from august 28th, i want to go back and give myself a bear hug. that cute lil nugget had a hard time and cried a lot for nothing, smh. nesters' 2nd week starts later tonight. first deliberation is on friday. i'd prolly sleep, i'll try to write an update by the end of the year.