i don't know what to call it

i once told my friends, i didnt know what to call it, him. was it a situationship? they protest. it was never that. told me to call it what it actually was: an unrequited love. but i refuse to call it that, because i know it wasn't that. at all.

u know whats funny? he liked me first, and i just picked up on his feelings.

i'm not crying because i still like him, i know i no longer do bc i can listen to the spotify playlist i put together without feeling anything anymore.

all it took was one week. just a week, and it was just another playlist.

and what got me there was beating myself up. every day, that one whole week. just constantly terrorizing my thoughts and scolding myself for feeling the way that i did.

"well at least i know i can feel very deeply about somebody like that"

and somehow that realization was enough, and i should take an ice bath to force myself to stop from wallowing too much

like ooops that too much feelings, u've gotten what u needed out of it so u should stop now

and i'm crying now bc i wish i didnt have to do that

i wish i'd let myself feel a little longer, gave myself more time to heal and comforted myself instead of adding more bruises to my own heart

i wish i could be nicer to myself whenever i'm having a tough time

why is that so hard ..