01/15/26 ;; 1:07PM Well I learned that anti biotics can cause migraines, fatigue, and worsened moods so I think I was super upset over that the other day. But anyway, I still think my vent holds true to how I feel. I've started to realize that my importance to other people is usually determined by how much I can do for them or if I can make them happy. Which don't get me wrong, it's important that your friends make you happy too, but that's not what I'm talking about. I feel like it's useless for me to talk to anyone because I don't think anyone is capable of caring about my emotions. In the first place, I'm bad at describing how I feel and what's upsetting me. My problems are also not really that bad compared to most other people. I guess that's what I'm most upset about. Even though I have problems, I can't be cared for because other people always have it worse. I thought you were supposed to vouch 'mental health matters' no matter what the problem is because what's small to 1 person can be huge to another, but I guess for me it's different. I say this in reference to my family. I don't really talk to any of my friends about my problems. The only other person I talk to about my problems is my boyfriend but I've been trying to stay closed off in that regard. I don't want to upset him. Honestly it hurts but it's better than finding out later that he hated me venting all along. I'm still hurt over that. I don't know. I want things to get better truthfully, but honestly? I also think I deserve to be isolated and eventually die from that pain. I feel guilty talking to anyone about my problems. How do I tell people that while I think I made progress, I also feel stuck in place? Part of me still feels like that 15 year old who struggled to de-tach himself from fictional characters because he didn't know his identity otherwise. I feel like a joke no matter what I do. Even if I died it wouldn't be too bad. The only thing my family would miss is having someone who did dishes everyday. I don't think any of my friends would really miss me, I don't talk much to them anyways. My boyfriend? I used to think he'd be sad over me dying, but I'm not sure anymore. Maybe it'd be a sigh of relief to have someone like me gone from his life. That way he could interact with others without worrying of me being jealous or upset. He wouldn't spend so much money on me anymore too, that would be good for his savings. I don't know. I feel like everyone would be so much happier without me. I don't have the guts to end it myself, but maybe one day it'll happen. I don't want to die, truthfully I want things to get better. I'm scared of dying. But I can't help but feel like I deserve it. I deserve to die when I cling onto life. Someone like me who is rotten has no place in the world.

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01/14/26 ;; 3:31 AM it's been a really long time since i've last wrote on here. I feel terrible. I feel jealous and upset and angry at very small things and I don't know why. My period ended a little while ago, so I wonder if it's just the after effects of it or something like that. Thoughts of relapse flood my mind, I eat so much and it makes me want to starve myself. I feel dirty all the time and all I've been wanting is to take a bath and feel clean, but I don't. I keep having flashbacks to when I was assaulted and it makes me feel disgusting. I feel like I can't even talk to my own boyfriend about this because I learned he hates it when I vent to him about certain things. Isn't that fun? I feel so useless. It feels like all of my safe spaces are being torn to shreds. I don't even want to try to do anything anymore. I have so many goals, and while I do yearn to achieve them, a large part of me also wants to rot in bed all day. A large part of me wants to relapse, to get worse, and eventually find it in me to die. No one takes me seriously. No one. My mother tried to downplay me being groomed consistently as a kid, saying it "wasn't real grooming" Whatever that means. Sure. Me being in a relationship wtih someone who was 17+ when I was 13 and them being the only person I relied on during that time is surely not me being groomed. sure. I keep thinking of so much. I hate being me. I try to tell myself I'm getting better, but am I really? Don't I want to get worse deep down? I don't know. I want to isolate myself again, from everyone. No one really cares or notices if it's long enough. I don't know. Are my emtions that hard for anyone else to listen to? Am I that much of a bother? I feel like I'm suffocating. It feels like no one loves me anymore. No one wants to try for me anymore.

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11/1/25;; 4:09AM I don't have the energy to write how I feel,mbut I keep binge eating from stress. I don't knwo what t odo. My brother just compares his feelings to mine, saying that his job is so much harder from all thje stuff he has to do comapred ot me. I just can't do anything right. I don't know. I'm tiredof this. I'msotired of being ignored and never beeing taken seriosuly and no one ever wants to make sure I'm okay. I'm worth nothing to the peopel aroudn me. I hste being me

10/28/25;; 3:43AM recently it feels like I don't really matter to people.. I feel very lonely. I want friends, but it seems like I always ruin things, or make people leave me somehow. I try my best to stay positive and wish for the best, but honestly I get sad very easily. This lack of control in my life, along with not knowing how people truly feel about me- it makes me spiral and feel worse and worse. I haven't truly thought of suicide in a long time, it's been passive thoughts at most- but recently it weighs heavy on my mind. I won't make an attempt, but I can't help but wonder how many people would even care if I did die. I know my boyfriend would care, and I'd feel bad for it, so I definitely won't for as long as me and him are together. But I do wonder about my worth to my friends and family. I feel so gross and lonely. It feels like I'm suffocating, and I don't really have anyone I can talk to. Me making this on my listography kinda feels like a desperate attempt for anyone to acknowledge my emotions, but if I were to ever be confronted about it I'd probably just pass it off and say I'm feeling better, even if I wasn't. I want peopel to care about me, but when I'm shown that care I just get scared. I begin wondering how long it'll be till this information is used against me, or til they leave me. I'm trying not to self harm again but it's also been on my mind constantly. It doesn't help that my job is so stressful too, so I feel like I have even less control in my life. I don't really have anything I can do. Streaming makes me feel less lonely, but when I end stream and go back to work it just feels 1000x worse. I'm not sure if anyone would care even if I begged them to be my friend or listen to me though. I'd want some type of comfort, but I'm not sure what would even satisfy me. I wish I mattered to more people. I try my best and it feels like no one acknowledges it. My heart hurts a lot. I feel like there's no point in me venting when no one will be there to read it or comfort me, but I don't have anything else to get my emotions out. I try drawing and I just get frustrated, it doesn't feel like it expresses my emotions enough. I just want to have my feelings acknowledged, even just a little. I feel like if I try to talk to anyone about my feelings it won't matter anyway since I don't really want a solution to my feelings either. I don't want to be told advice or how to help myself, I kind of just want someone to listen. To acknowledge I'm doing my best despite my situation. I wish I could get proper help. It feels like I've been holding in my emotions for so long. I vaguely talk about the things that upset me on twitter and then 5 minutes pass and I decide it's too embarrassing and I delete it. Isn't it stupid to want attention but then delete the post where I want attention? But I guess it's because I feel guilty for wanting anyone to notice me or be there for me when I have my boyfriend. But I don't go to my boyfriend about it either, I let it all pile up. Sometimes I talk to him about my feelings, but even then it's not really enough to get it all out. I hate how emotional I am. I wish I mattered more for people to message me and check in on me. I really wish I could do anything other than stress eat and then starve myself as punishment for losing control. I hate myself more than I can say. but I guess I also love myself, since I'm writing out my feelings instead of bottling it inside of my head. But I don't think it matters if no one sees it, right? I really want someone to care about me. I just weant to feel important to people. I feel like nothing I do matters to the people around me, and that all the positive thjings I do for people just get erased when I do even the slightest mess up... I feel like all I do is make everyone around me miserable and sad. I can't be a good friend, I don't know how to be. I wish I did.