from notes to my future husband

• Books: You read them. Ones without pictures
• The Toilet Seat: Put that shit down. Always. Nobody wants to see the splatter of your bodily fluids.
• Rainy days: Fuck that noise, it's time for a bed party.
• April Fools Day: You can be cute about it, but if you embarrass me in public, I'll reign down mischievous fuckery until your head spins.
• Princess: Don't ever fucking call me that.
• Secrets: I'm the one you always tell.
• New Year's Eve: I don't care if we go big or stay home, as long as we get to make out at midnight.
• 72 Days: If we spend our lives together as one of those happy couples that never get married, I'm cool with it. Kim Kardashian can be our excuse.
• Marry, Fuck, & Kill: I already married you, but there will still be days when I won't know whether to fuck or kill you.
• Your Lady Friends: Have all the female friends you want but if some floozy starts telling me how you like your eggs in the morning I'm gonna knock her the fuck out.
• Don't Use The Phrase, "I got to be honest.": It means that you're usually lying, and about to be an asshole.
• Our Wedding Vows: Will not include the word "obey."
• Bacon: Bring home the bacon. Literally. I love bacon. That shit is delicious.
• Tampons: You'll have to buy them for me on occasion, but I promise, you'll never have to see the string.
• Laundry Day: Stuffing the washing machine with everything in the hamper and then hitting the start button does not count as “doing the laundry.” Fluff and fold, motherfucker.
• A Sandwich: Fuck yeah, I'll make you one.
• Chuck Norris: He ain't got nothin' on you, babe.