i wonder if youre like me

ive yet to allow myself to feel sad since that day

that day when they fixed my room light

when jolene and jeline were in my room and left for their friend's graduation thing

when i cried over our ending for the first and last time

when i, very pathetically, tried using my scraggly hair to hide my eyes while passing jolene and jeline their luggage

when i couldnt take what i was feeling when i didnt know what i was feeling when i was sad, i guess

so i called you because i missed you but all i got was validation on how horrid a girlfriend i was

i didnt care enough

i made you sad anxious scared

i had anger-management issues, you said

i was scary

i forgot the rest

those words made me livid

what about you?

i wanted to fight back argue like how i'd always do because how dare he speak of me like that when he was worse?

how dare he play the victim card

but

there were so many things overwhelming my brain

i hung up

and cried even more

wailed

i decided to hate him

he just wasnt worth my time anymore

he dumped me on the day of initiation when he said he didnt want to be a Christian anymore

thinking about it now, he probably used that as an excuse to dump me i just had too much pride to accept the truth

the truth being he didnt want me anymore when he was the one who told me he'd always love me

who'd believe that anyway i first thought when he said those words but he repeated them so many times i think i started believing in them at some point

initiation night was the hardest night of orientation how cruel of him

but now that i think about it initiation helped me take my mind off him

just kidding

initiation helped me not cry because i was with so many strangers

during orientation when i was supposed to make friends i spent time on my phone replying him whenever i could because he was not feeling happy

he told me he had issues i wanted to be there for him

he told me of his issues regardless of whether or not i was able to handle them

what about my feelings? what about me? did he care at all?

so when i called him thinking only of hearing his voice thinking it would comfort me and my anxious heart i was disappointed

we were both too selfish

did we ever love the other?

at that point in time all i could think of was how he screwed up how horrid he was how we werent meant to be how we didnt match

all his bad points

i hated him for making me feel sad

he was bad for me

he tried getting back together

i said no

i told him he had to love God more than me from the start so how could he love me when he didnt love God

i told him he could go to church i would wait for him we cant get back together now we'd be following our emotions if we did that emotions are not reliable

six months

i told him

at least six months

im glad i said that he's happy and way over me now he has a new girl

he got the new girl in less than 3 months

i dont know anything much, though

i heard from my spiez

should i be happy for him?

does that mean he didnt love me at all in the first place?

why do i even care? he sucks, remember? he's horrid and we were never meant to last

God was never the centre of our relationship

i was lying to myself

but now i cant think of that many reasons to hate him anymore

i keep thinking of the happy times

and i wonder if he does the same

probably not

whenever i think about him now

i get anxious

im afraid of feeling sad

what if i cant climb back up

i'd be stuck in sadness forever

but maybe it's why ive yet to get over him

maybe it's time i allowed myself to grieve

OR I CAN JUST PRAY AND FOCUS ON GOD AMEN SWEG DASRYTE

satan tryna hmu but nah gET OUT

Father please help

kool

this long rant was tiring maybe i'll be able to finally focus on studying for finals now