- I did a few regretable things, stole a lot of money, turned a blind eye to a lot of people begging for help because I was too busy trying to get one more hit and then told too many people that one hit couldn't possibly hurt.
- depressed and feelin ill. again. no hope. dreaming of never existing. (wouldn't that be easy?) nothing could justify this. i'm unsure of purpose and meaning, because all i know is longing ( for love and happiness) and liars. too many fucked up boys. back to back they all make me want to fucking die. i tell myself to change and love someone good but no one is good. but i'm too bitter from whatever happened beyond my reach and i just want someone to make me feel whatever it is inside, outside.
- which is pain obviously. but i want love too like any other girl. should the two come hand in hand. i guess it always will.
- i dream of yesterday's yesterday because i'm fucking stupid and on a steady decline. glorifying the past because a goldfish can't remember the pain for more than 30 seconds. i dream of ignorance. before i knew anything at all. before when i didn't love someone too much to the point where everything he does is a fucking betrayal. at least it hurts less and less each time something happens. that itself is sad but it's a relief as well.
- i wait a day, i wait for him to wake up and it all resets. i love yous are exchanged but nothing is different. i don't think he gives a fuck about me, because like everyone else in the fucking past, they chose pleasure and sexual sastisfaction above me. he made this choice several times. one should have been too many but i'm straight up retarded. this is nothing new. chasing whatever fetish it is instead of me. i don't care anymore. look at this. wow. the cycle repeats. here i am trying to accept again ("hey its ok to talk to other girls, i'll think of it like porn. enjoy all the other stuff you don't tell me about too.") just like how i some time ago with someone else, ("hey sure, this transgender obsession is ok, it's your boat to float and i'm open minded, yeah totally- enjoy... all the shit you do behind my back..."). spoiler, it didn't fucking work because i was dying inside but they don't give a single fuck if it means that they can cum.
- i feel disgust and hatred like any normal person would but as a fucking dickshit idiot, i soften when he cries and then i cry and then everything is good because i've forgetten my pain for now. i'm tricked by emotion because i've suffered for love and acceptance for so many years. why change now. i want it so bad i'll do anything. anything is okay. just please love me and please end my misery.
- i'm crying because of the sad realization that i've let history repeat. i'm not a drug addict but what good is that right now.
- everyday you're further away from me.
nov 7 2015 ∞
nov 7 2015 +