• we've got our vices, and the ones we share bring us together.

• lately my dreams have been somewhat lucid, i believe they are real, the details are there but from different times. I accidentally deleted the original list so i'm not bothering to write the details again.
• I dream every single detail. Details that I'm hard pressed to remember right now. The grain of wood. How many cups are on his kitchen counter. It's 2017 but it's 2014 me. I'm sweating and twitching, fighting to breathe. The flesh underneath my eyes wouldn't stop twitching and my jaw alternates between slack and tense. my lungs wouldn't rise as I needed them to but the lack of oxygen made the world beautiful. he nudges my face, my cheek with his bare foot. I struggle to look up.there was no point to this dream. just my brain reminding me that i was almost free once. but survival instincts kicked in. that day,...

• Now that I like you, I'll ruin you.
• I know you were thinking about me last night. I dreamt about you and I read somewhere that if you have dreams about someone it means that person has been thinking about you.

• listen you cunt whore bitch. Never forget your initial pain.

• Nothing. I'm back to looking dazed and fucking sick of looking at myself in the fucking mirror. I'm fuckling sick of the daily grind, I'm fucking SICK of acting like this is fucking me. I'm sick of being good. I'm sick of doing good. I'm sick of everything.
• I can fucking smell it, I can fucking smell it, and I want to fucking cry. I can imagine the burning sensation in my brain, I can fucking smell it... I'll never be that fucking happy again...
• I'm sick of hearing the bullshit, "but you're doing so good, you'll be happier this way", when I hear that I just want to fucking screech at them, "FUCKING BULLSHIT, FUCKING BULLSHIT, IT'S NOT FUCKING HUMANLY FUCKING POSSIBLE."
• When you open up your whatever happiness receptors by 1000x the norm, or when you're so numb everything that is shit in thi...

• Kings Highway at 3 am. It's snowy. It's beautiful. The painfully cold air takes away my breath. My face is numb, and it's not just because of the cold.
• I'm leaning against a brick wall. Close to my heart, my drugs. Right there in my upper left pocket. In the right, my straw and metro card. In front of me; beauty. Well, it used to be. I'm dazed and I don't know how I got here. I forget my name. I forget where I am. I've always needed someone to herd me in the right direction. Later, my brain thaws out and I run out of white powder, I realize I've walked in a straight line from home and then I walk the straight line back, giggling and cackling in pure delight at how high I was.
• I've never liked myself.
• I've hate what I've done. (to myself and others)
• I often think about what I would do if I ...

• It was a mistake the minute you glanced over to the left. Hunched over, navy blue yankee cap pulled far down. It was a mistake, with your stupid fucking purple hair and white nose. It was mistake, going back to the cafe night after night, 20s after 20s for bag after fucking bag.
• It started to creep in slowly. The jumpiness. It comes and goes still. I down 20 blocks in record time. I spoke to the bitch. I smirked and laughed and made jokes.
• It manages to feel like a mistake and at the same time it was the best feeling ever. I feel like shit inside and out all the time now.
• I wanna, pop one, for you, drink one, for you.
• How could you give up on me like that? You're stronger than me, I guess. Bullshit is bullshit but I like to turn a blind eye for the sake of "love".

• I dreamt I was back in chinatown, for the most part my memories of brooklyn, my home and chinatown stays mostly accurate and unaltered when I dream. I like it like that, it helps me when I feel homesick and lonely.
• I was getting my favorite jackets and sweaters from my closet. It's my favorite season again. It's the most painful time of the year again, it's winter and I need my jackets. My mom was buzzing behind me. I asked her where my shirts were. I can't remember her face or voice. The closet door was, like always, jammed and the paint was flaking and the insides smelled musty. The kitchen floor looked old and there was a korean stew boiling. I left and I never thought to look behind me as I walked off, I never even bothered to lock the door.
• I saw everyone I've missed and thought ab...

• Winter was so cold and it smelled so good.
• I don't know what I'm doing, but I never really did know. I think I'll be okay though.
• My purpose is/was feeling very threatened just because he talks to some other bitch. "Maybe" was his answer. "Would you have seen her if she wanted to?" was my question. How fucking offending. "Fair enough," I said. Something, something, we can always run off together, something something let's sneak off and see each other.
• Yeah? Well don't let me hold you back from reaching for the stars.
• It was real cute.
• I've, for the most part, stopped caring, except for when I'm about to sleep and all my grievences, big and small, decide to run laps in my head.
• it's just amusing. these things have alwa...

• Sorry.
• I can't remember what to do in these circumstances
• It's lonely sometimes. I can't help but to be a brat for your attention.
• I forgot but I kind of remember now.
• It was lonely from the beginning, wasn't it, so why am I acting out now?
• You are so nice to me. It makes my brain all fuzzy and it makes me lose track of my thoughts. I get so lost in you and your personality, actions- I laugh and smile without thinking or realizing.
• I never thought I would meet someone like you.
• Two actions stand out to me.

• whats the fucking point, it seems like it's one failed experiment, if i can even call it that after another after another and everything one big stupid train wreck ever since the clock ticked down to 2015.
• what a shit year. one year ago at this time, it was my second week home, i was findingd my abandoned clothes and my parents were smiling and i ate dinner at home.
• i could wait, i did wait and no one came through. you cant blame me for leaving
• fuck you man
• what does all this crap mean anyways. jack shit. its not gonna comfort me. it really used to and i horded those special memories but what did it mean in the face of all MY (and your) drugs
• remember when you were standing around the landromat and suddenly she hugged you and said that you're a good person and tha...

• It was so sad when momma lee finally told me why she hated us so much. And she was scared the same thing would happen to me, because people are mean and terrifying and because I am the spitting image of her. a little weird and unfriendly, but pretty and well, sort of too trustingly stupid. and that fear killed her. I didn't care. I never did. It never occured to me that I'd lose control.
• Nothing makes me happier than being hurt and fucked roughly.
• but when I did lose control, momma lee could sense it immediately. Maybe its mommma spider senses, maybe she could smell my fear, maybe it was because I was curled up in a bathtub of cold water. I felt so dirty. it was one fucking cold and bitter new years.
• and i imagine it was the spitting imagine of how she felt, because she blamed me f...

• I had another dream about you. You looked good. Cleaner. No more scruff. I asked how your son was doing. You said good. We kissed and I woke up, it was a dream. I went to the kitchen for water. I drank oil and it spilled out of my mouth. I woke up again. A dream within a dream, I woke up depressed and rotten and filled with longing.

• I feel it, my brains starting to melt again.
• I'm never ready for when this begins to happen.
• I'm fucking screaming again.
• I'm thinking about running away again.
• There is no one else I resonate more with than Marion.
• I need things up my nose.

• Once, I fled down the stairs so fast as her howls echoed behind me. Nothing has hurt me as much as that memory. I'm not sure if anything will. My dog. I'm sure she wanted what I once wanted- simply for my family to be complete, together. But I had given up that dream so I could chase my own happiness, and everyone suffered for it. The guilt could kill me, it makes my throat tighten up and and and...
• (God what am I doing?)

• Stepping outside in the snow was really fucking beautiful. I was happy. An hour and thirty minutes later, I'm crouched on the sidewalk, hands numb and stiff, with snot drooling out of my nose.
• the moment i made eye contact, he was half way down the stairs and you were halfway between doing a weird squat bounce-dance-move thing, and i met his eyes, our eyes fucking met, and his mouth was hanging open and then transformed into the goofiest fucking smile ever, and he said, "Kelly?"
• And you said, "Yes! Did you almost not recognize me?" My hair was pitch black against the snowy backdrop.
• And in that stupid moment, you forgot about everything. And closed your dumb eyes and your dumb mouth was warm and happy.
• There's nothing that can take away my happiness other than my own brain. I'm happy...

• this month was very calm, not many up and downs, i can feel myself going a little down nowadays, craving drugs again but other than that having a boy has been keeping me stable

• he was looking down on me because my life was a mess, he pitied me therefore he tried to reach out to help me
• I found this, insulting, to say the least, I found this horrible and heartbreaking and I thought very clearly, "he was never a friend"
• I spoke to him in both short angry words and slurred perhaps more honest, intoxicated words, he reacted nonchalantly and said I was "sad"
• later on, I was seriously and stupidly contamplating taking a leap, one high and far enough that I'd finally hit the sidewalk with enough impact to knock my eyeballs out.

i dont want to stay awake from crystal anymore i want to daze off listening to tricky and fall into a real deep deep pleasant sexy dream.

• “make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security ...

• this isn't it

That is all

• I have a habit of deleting and editing these lists although they are supposed to remind me of how I felt in the past so here is what I remember
• chinatown instead of class. instead of learning stupid shit I already knew and helping out idiots not fail a CP class that I slept through and still passed and did better than them

• i should have been born as a mute baby I do not like talking very much nor do I have anything very worthwhile to say.
• but I am good at lying. Mostly to myself but whatever
• I am full of shit
• my life is a joke and I hope it ends funny but it will probably end like how everyone said it will. I will die as trash.
• I do not refer to myself as trash. I am either rat or gutter rat.
• i don't think I am a victim although I act like it I'm sure every so gle one of those bastards had a reason for tearing my life apart

• I had a very sweet nightmare. I knew what was going to happen for once, and I was desperately nit picking at every single decision, trying to find the right combo that would giving me the ending I wanted. He kept dying and dying and I kept being too late, saying the wrong things,and didn't say enough, didn't fucking do enough.
• im back in high school. Standing outside doing nothing, feeling like something was wrong but couldn't figure out what. Black backpack and my usual sweater and boots. No make up because i was fucking 15 years old!!!!!
• i rush out. It's gloomy in New York. I can't tell if I'm 21 or 15 and the details are slipping from me but he's dying but not dead. I say, "I'm sorry I'm sorry but I made it this time and you don't know how many times I've rerolled just to have ...

• I would go home to flaky paint and the smell of home. I'd always climb up those stairs without a single thought in my head. The jingle of my many bell charms echoes.

• I did a few regretable things, stole a lot of money, turned a blind eye to a lot of people begging for help because I was too busy trying to get one more hit and then told too many people that one hit couldn't possibly hurt.
• depressed and feelin ill. again. no hope. dreaming of never existing. (wouldn't that be easy?) nothing could justify this. i'm unsure of purpose and meaning, because all i know is longing ( for love and happiness) and liars. too many fucked up boys. back to back they all make me want to fucking die. i tell myself to change and love someone good but no one is good. but i'm too bitter from whatever happened beyond my reach and i just want someone to make me feel whatever it is inside, outside.
• which is pain obviously. but i want love too like any other girl. should the two c...

• if i went back to the seashore.
• you wouldn't but i'd enjoy the snow anyways. my memories are warmer than you could have ever been.
• no matter what happens I always have a fall back. its a terrible one, terrible for me and terrible for you but fuck it because it feels so good.
• mr wise guy told me once, "sick attracts sick" and since then even the snow made sense to me.

• i dreamt about the coney island ferris wheel, but it was in atlanta. I wasn't alone, and he was driving. it's the nighttime, and I realized how pretty the ferris wheel is when lit up. things always are.

• It's a lot harder to seperate all the shit from regular life now.

• I still think about you, you know, the way you'd pick me up, the way I'd wait for you in the snow. The notes we wrote. Me in class with you next to me. You're falling asleep. We're both shyly glancing at each other and I'm trying to tame my tangled hair.
• Do you know how sad you've made me? I bitched and moaned and fucked, trying to get your scent out of my brain. No one fucking would understand. They said I was stupid, they said I was young.
• You fuckers think I don't know that? I fell in love with my own reflection. What a cold blooded liar.
• My hands move in flip book motion, and I watch my fists tighten, then unclench. The room is sinking down into me and I start vomitting. I also wonder why I insist on sniffing ketamine. Who the fuck wants to see their soul in their vomit? It was i...

• Are you ever going to call me again? You made it seem like you were going to come back for me.
• I would have taken care of you, I hope you know that. It was 3 months but I still feel like I could have loved you. And then out of bitterness I tried to burn you, but you were too smart for me and kept me in the dark.
• It all started off with a never ending line of ketamine, then 3 bars. I place 1 bar at the back of my mouth. Wash it down with water and I'm so happy. Then, I'm starting to pull on my hair and I head out to the train, pop the other quarter on the train and smile wickedly at the men who stare. They look away.
• Another half and valium at the cafe, a bag of coke and 2 more valiums later, I'm screaming to be higher, my boys have left me and I'm alone in a cab I didn't pay fo...

• Sure, there are boys I dream about, and when I wake up I feel... more tired and I go back to sleep, hoping to see your face, even though I've slept for more than 20 hours.
• There are boys who make me wander around lost in Manhattan for hours and hours, and I kick cans and plastic bags in a fit of bitterness.
• There were boys, and I drank in their memory, whenther they had passed away or left me. And the only person who saw my tears were the poor souls who had nothing to do with it.
• Today, I finally took a bath and finally brushed my teeth, after being on a bender of depression (and sobreity!).
• I submerge my face in the water. It's lukewarm as always, and I think about what he told me. He has a son now and he can't play with me anymore. I think he told me ...

• I miss you. I feel stupid cos I don't know why I don't hear from you anymore, I don't know if something happened to you or if this is your way of ditching me.
• I guess I just feel lonely and I've been going out late and just crying while walking around. I guess my mom got pissed off at me so she threw out a bunch of my shit and I threw my own hissy fit and now my room is covered with broken glass and whatnot. I'm too tired to clean it up. Well if things get really bad I can always go sleep at the internet cafe. I'm trying not to play the shitty passive aggressive game of "let's see how much we can hurt each other" with my mom but we're both pros at it so ha ha it's hard.
• I've been sniffing way too much ketamine. I got really high and sick and I thought I was going to vomit out my soul. It was interesting. A really nice distraction. ...

• i'm in so much pain right now. i want to puke (literally), i want to relaspe and die. i'm stupid depressed and i wish i was in love.
• look at me. i'm doing so much better! i live at home and i'm on less drugs! but i hate everyone, ive been tortured and then people had the audacity to shove their apologies in my mouth... don't cry so loud if you don't want me to shove my dick in, he said.
• remember when i'd sigh lovingly and remember when i trusted people, remember when i could actually see someone besides myself?
• now, im doing nothing but seeing just who could want me. the words "i'm sorry" is rolling off your tongue
• i'm maybe a little too fascinated with myself. "fuck me up/i'm your punching bag/choke me/this is so bad/harder! harder! ha...

• One day I had his number. It came up in random, forced conversation. We hadn't spoken for years (since we didn't really speak in highschool). High off of my favorite cocktail of xanax and heroin, I'm crying in the bathtub. I'm starving. I hate everyone. Meth addicts crawl and breathe my air, contaminate my room. Showers and bath are the highlights of my day. Pressing my cheek on the cold tiles while scalding hot water burns the dirt of my skin. Dirty dirty dirty. I dry off my hands and snort meth. A pained moan. A pained moan then quiet laughter. I love the burn, the way it hurts so bad I hold my head tight. I kneel, pressing tightly for a few seconds. The rush hits me, and I'm happy again. I'm awake and I feel beautiful but my stomach is bleeding. My brain is bleeding. Xanax. More xanax more heroin. Dizzy, I sink back into the water. I'm ready to p...

• What is normal, anyways? I think I might too young right now to define it. But I catch what I think are glimpses, feelings of fleeting disgust.
• No longer am I crying mess, no longer am I numb mess, the dope and ice has been flushed out of my body for months now, but I catch, once again, that brief moment of disgust.
• It feels like I'm playing life on easy mode now. I'm not rolling around in luxury but I'm not fighting tooth and nail to survive either. I'm not screaming on the top of my lungs, praying that someone will call the police for me (no one did, the one time people minded their own business, jesus fucking christ). It's no longer a battle between staying conscious and succumbing to the chemicals rushing into my brain (laying on cold floors, twitching and sweating, vomit seeping through my mout...

When people care about you it feels odd and strange and horrible

• lately i have been reallllly unable to articulate any kind of intelligent thought
• maybe its because i dont have anymore time to myself, so i'm not sulking around as much. not spending hours trying to get my thoughts into these little pretty essays anymore.
• maybe its the drugs frying my brain.
• i don't feel much of anything either. a very strange kind of numbness
• hate writing on an iphone, lovely writing this up on a friends laptop feels so much better than getting little pieces of glass all over my fingers

What should I do now

I want to see the beach And I want to feel warmth again

To be honest I don't know why anyone sticks around with me.

The past is supposedly the past but that never meant I'd never find out. And it snowballs. I get seemingly more curious but if I wanted what is good for me I'd stop digging. But I don't care

• I'm not sure how many people think about the time they were 16, 17, 18, when they are still 18. But a couple month ago seem like a couple centuries and I feel so old now.
• I don't even think I feel old, as in experienced, I feel old as in, I'm tired, I'm done, I think I've seen all I wanted to see of what I can see and will see.
• It seems bleak.
• I remember, sitting a on a plastic frog, 16 years old, eating the the sweetest green apple pie lollipop. A girl, I called my best friend, my sister- what did that ever mean in the end? I can't even say hello to her these days. I know I'm not worth her time and nor is she worth mine.
• I remember, the salt and fat of meat against my tongue, the burn of alcohol down my throat and the smiles for pictures and feeling so unhappy with my face and mysel...

• last year today. i was the happiest little firecracker you'd ever see riding the new york subway. we went all the way to coney island. i came back home feeling so fucking full.
• this year, i wake up alone. feeling sick. feeling empty. i dreamt about atlantic barclay. i spotted someone i knew and i shouted their name. they turn around, and quickly keep going forward. as if to say, "fuck off kelly. i have something now, an actual purpose and i cant keep fucking around with you" I screamed this time. I forgot the dream as I woke up but within a few moments it came back to me. i wish it didn't.
• i think about last year and this year and this whole month... is just a countdown. like the advent calander but for each day i have a fuzzy, warm memory filled with fucking giddiness, love and fullness but...

• i wanna feel good and happy again, i want to feel unstoppable and confident, but i've been on a bender of sobriety and it's the saddest thing ever, feeling like my sobriety is the one thing holding me back.

• i had a dream i was running around in the hallways of my highschool, i was trapped in a deli, and then i saw my first boyfriend washing his bloody glass filled arm in the water fountain.
• i watched him and thought about how my brain remembered his mannerisms fairly well. i haven't spoken to him since january i believe, and he only sought me out then to prove to me that he knew how to have sex. (because the last time it was so bad that i might have laughed and then just gone home) it was stupid and wasted my time. but i got dumb high at his house right under his nose.
• dazed girls never know how to say no.
• but we're comforted by the fact "hey at least we were dumb high" because pain sometimes amplfies highs, sometimes you need to feel like shit and by the time a fat fluffy line is melting into your brain, yo...

• I suddenly rememebered you, detail for detail. For the longest time you were just a fuzzy spot in my brain.

• the tears are coming out without any problem at all, surprisingly, i don't cry like this unless i'm real upset. they feel lukewarm, a little cold. weird.
• I dreamt about brooklyn and naome, I dreamt about the beach and a cave full of bugs, I dreamt about my apartment building and smoking cigs.
• We sat by the fourth floor window, marlboro ice blasts in our mouths. completating. we decide to explore. on the roof, i peer down below. the water is a shiny blue instead of the regular new york concrete. how did i get here? we run to the other side of the building, ringing doorbells and running down the stairs fast as as we can.
• i had a bad dream I was being trapped by a man. I wept and moaned in fear but I don't remember the details.

• Lately I've been dreaming about xanax. Xanax and molly, xanax and ketamine. I cheek pills and spit them out when no one is looking. They're gritty and starting to dissolve in my palm.
• I guess I miss it. Watching House doesn't help. I have nothing to do when I'm upset now other than to sleep, apply for jobs/fantasize and bother Alex. I fantasize about ripping out people's teeth and other violent things. I don't work out anymore because it feels pointless.

• don't forget about me- you keep on doing it, so i'll address it for you, jvb- quit your codependent bullshit and chin up. there was a time whne you were capable of thinking for yourself, and you thought about things- i know, wow, you actually used your brain back in the day! it seems almost mythical, like, are you aware of a what a brain dead cunt you've been for the past 2-3 years?

• I didn't want to be in a place where the all the bad memories were on the tip of my eyeballs. One night, I walked down 8th ave with B, and it was 3 AM, we're both cracked out and high and walking down past 52nd street- it was empty and dark and below 20 degrees that night. But I swear, I could smell the spring air and I could see little skinny fucked up JVB, stumbling to do laundry, stealing food and smoking ice. I don't want to remember every single time I go on the subway, the way I folded up into a little ball and sobbed my way back home on new years. Me screaming at atlantic barclays center. All the streets I bawled my eyes out on. Chinatown and it's beautiful christmas lights. Washington street and the snow, a construction worker meowed at me from above, I yowled my affections back. Howling my dumb sorrows out with a white nose. The man who sol...

• I'm not entirely sure why this happens, but I know it's happening. Maybe out of sheer boredom and a need for fixation.
• It's funny because I don't really need it, or even want it. But I guess without it I'd feel nothing but empty.
• It's funny because this feeling makes me feel more empty than anything else.
• It's a cigarette in my hand, an empty bag at my fingertips and a pained expression. I need something.
• "Angel, you gotta help me."
• its back, that feeling, concrete and my broken skull. my hands. I'm not feeling good. that's all i can say.

• you're too pretty to do drugs
• how did you get to NYC
• oh hur hur karma
• haha what u think youre like the next eminem?

• The feeling of pain is something I like very much, during and afterr the act. if it's a good type of pain, I'll think about it for days.
• I get a little nervous and panicked when I feel physically cornered and don't like people being too close to me very much.
• The feeling I like best is when I bite $%^&() and then he grabs my hair and the side of my face and smushes my face into some wall or something and then kisses me.

• I'm no longer sure if he will ever be back.
• Today was spent with a wicked hangover, oh! The last time I was hungover like this was hm, well, I spent new years reeking of alcohol but was not hungover suprisingly. It should have been november 7, the last time I drank a lot of alcohol. I'm a dipshit for being able to pull that date from memory alone, but that was the day I had a clinical rotation at the ER for 10 hours.
• Let's talk about that day.
• It was cute. I actually don't want to talk about it becauese it's making my brain feel like it's going to melt and now my stomach hurts.
• We walked around because triage was boring, followed some EMTs around, people flirted with me and made my partner jealous and I laughed. A nurse tried to get me to ...

• please ??#$%^&*(??, please, please pretty fucking please let me be accepted into LIU. I will not fucking waste this opportunity like I did with EMT training. I need this. I'm stupidly putting my hopes on this one application.
• NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH??????????????

• I used to never sleep. 3-4 am and then 6 am the alarm rings and time for fucking highschool. I slept well in class. Like a baby. I drooled.
• I used to sleep at net cafes. Also drooled.
• I used to only sleep after 3-4 days of staying up. I would fall asleep seamlessly, not even remember knocking out, say crazy shit in my sleep, sleep for maybe 15+ hours. Good fucking sleep though. Drooled a lot.
• I couldn't sleep at home so I started sleeping in other peoples bed and that made me want to shoot holes in my brain more so I started crying before I went to sleep, and then the xanax and alcohol blah blah blah
• Took some pain killers and slept like a baby. I miss it. I miss it so much.
• Stopped all that, and now I can only slee...

• this jv baby is sad. jvb found boy with a sweet heart and gorgeous face with golden green eyes. A boy that made her leave all the other boys she had seduced and befriended within the past lonely months- in a heartbeat she stopped caring,she stopped playing stupid games with many hearts, this new boy had given her a cigerette and said, "hey whats your name again?"
• he sends her lots of emails, a lot sexy but exhausting, but it makes her happy. makes her fucking smile again, as if the last fucking two years didn't happen.
• like, as if not a short time ago, a stupid junkie wasn't waving a gun in her face, like a stupid junkie wasn't hurting her, wasn't keeping her locked up in empty rooms for days.
• like she hadn't heard it all before, "I'm clean, baby, the drugs aren't even the problem anymore"

• Seeing really good vayne players/plays/videos makes my heart ache. Thanks for teaching me league, I would have never survived at that cafe without it. Fuck that, I would have never survived without the help of countless people who reached out to me. Whenther it was teaching me league, or making sure I slept safely, or just sat down with me and kept me company or asked how I'm doing... thanks so much.
• (Isn't that a small but a core reason as to why I can still cry from happiness this very day?)

• weed
• molly
• acid
• xanax
• ecstasy
• coke
• ketamine
• ghb
• crystal meth
• heroin
• adderall
• ambien
• perc/vicodin/oxy
• klonopins

• asked me to stop self harm and the drugs and let me see what I could have had
• I haven't got any other words to say about it

honestly might be a mix of self destruction and wanting to feel something, a mix of hedonism and cowardliness, i'm running away and searching for something to break me down and make me invest into life again.

I want to know everything. I want to know if they know and I wonder if they think of me and pity me and laugh at me.

I never needed their pity.

• the only sign of improvement I see right now is that fact that I think killing myself would be admitting defeat to them instead of hurting them.
• (because I will most definitely be forgotten)
• i tried to edit this column of lists so it'd be all color fadey but no it fucked up. so.... now it says these lists have been editted and it looks like i did some hardcore editing but no i havent.