- What is normal, anyways? I think I might too young right now to define it. But I catch what I think are glimpses, feelings of fleeting disgust.
- No longer am I crying mess, no longer am I numb mess, the dope and ice has been flushed out of my body for months now, but I catch, once again, that brief moment of disgust.
- It feels like I'm playing life on easy mode now. I'm not rolling around in luxury but I'm not fighting tooth and nail to survive either. I'm not screaming on the top of my lungs, praying that someone will call the police for me (no one did, the one time people minded their own business, jesus fucking christ). It's no longer a battle between staying conscious and succumbing to the chemicals rushing into my brain (laying on cold floors, twitching and sweating, vomit seeping through my mouth and into my fingers. my eyes quiver, roll back into my head then, repeat) I stopped hanging belts up high however I could on the ceiling, I stopped looping them around my neck, and I barely think or can remember the feeling of someones hand cover my mouth and nose, and the world going fuzzy as I kick and struggle to breath. I can smile, I can finally think that there are better people out there...
- But sometimes, I'm thinking everyone in this world must be better than me, no matter how fucking stupid and empty they seem. No matter how hard they hit me, no mattter how hard they would hit others. There must have been something, something to justify their actions. Circumstance. And here I sat, depressed and timid, lonely and filled with loathing for the world. Indifferent to all, bitter and helpless. I think maybe, I loved being helpless. Suffering because I wanted to be loved and I wanted to believe in the people around me. Being helpless was easy, I was never at fault. How disgusting. Could it be, I just didn't want to believe that there really are people despicable enough to ruin someone else's life in the blink of an eye? Just because? Just because they were chasing some form of pleasure so ruthlessly (sex, drugs, happiness?).
- It's over now though, so what's the point of this? Live a normal life. Forget the names of the girls you went to high school with, forget you've ever touched hard drugs. Live a life so easy, it feels like your mind will snap at any given moment.
- Just kidding that sounds terrible. I don't know what I want. Neither of the two options written above though
oct 15 2014 ∞
oct 15 2014 +