having irl skill issue trying not to kms. anyways,. this post is dedicated to my thoughts on my last FP (my sister) (unfortunate) this is just a mess of my thoughts so nothing is rlly cohesive sorry.

anyways ok. im still really mad about how after everything she never wanted to apologize to me EVER unless she absolutely had to. i was never allowed to be upset at her or talk about my feelings about her to anyone at all or she'd get absolutely pissed at me lol. but then she would go and talk to other ppl about me and when i confronted her about it she said "i just need to let out my feelings" ok but im not allowed to..? ik we had an equally toxic relationship but idk now that its over and im not sad about it i just feel angry. she once accused me of not treating her like a sister and more like an online friend but she would never treat me with the same priority as our friends? lol? she would straight up ignore my messages in private and in front of others. is treating u like a sister supposed to be me fucking ignoring u ??? not to mention that every time i would try to talk to her about our issues she would ignore it or blame it on me. i always felt like somehow i was in the wrong no matter what because she'd belittle me and make me feel less constantly. she'd literally make fun of me in front of our friends and family and when i'd confront her in private it was always "when did i do that" never did she ever actually express feeling bad for makign me feel that way or anything. it was ALWAYS somehow my fault. everything was always my fault to her. i always felt horrible because when one of our mutual friends confront me and told me how terrible i was (bc she'd told them abt her feelings) i felt aweful . i wanted to say something or at least tell my side but i felt like if i did it'd come off as me ignoring the issue or deflecting so i'd always just take the punches.

also not to mention the fact that she and our cousin would constantly shit and trash on me whenever we hung out. it made me not want to play anymore because it just became less fun and hurt me more and more. that turned into insecurity about feeling less, and in turn i tried to make one of my other friends feel lesser too so i could feel better. but i didnt #kms i ruined everything and now i have nothing. im rlly sick of being mentally ill around peopel who arent because they just used everything against me. there was little empathy for me, but tons for everyone else. i was always the scapegoat for their shitty feeligns or whatever .FUCK YOU . srry the demons. because my sister was my favorite person i felt like i couldnt say no to her and depended on her HEAVILY. i didnt realize it until later on in my life so at that point shed probably been my FP for 3 years. i feel stupid now knowing that she never cared for me at all lol. or at least thats how i feel. after our last fight i tried to talk to her twice but she just ignored me. i gave it a week but i guess i was never that high of a prioriy or of value to her lol. anyways that shit emotionally broke me and then i was tweaking out for a month thinking about suicide and killing msyelf and i relapsed and started cutting again. now im mostly just angry so i eat her food as revenge.

at some point a few of our friends were having personal issues and left / ghosted and idk i have major abandonment issues so i was majorly tweaking out. we set up a gc to talk out our feelings about the situation and then made another gc to talk to that friend about how their ghosting made us feel. tell me why i was the only person who said anything and then ended up making that friend feel worse bc no one else spoke and then my words ended up sounding lik everyone elses feelings bc they couldnt give a damn enough to say smth 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i even messaged in the other gc asking them to say something bc i didnt want ou friend to think the way i felt was how everyone else did BUT THYWERE FUCKING PLAYIGN ROBLOX IN A VOICE CHAT DAWGGGGGGGGG. whatever. anyways later that night my sister started dogging on me in the voice chat about how its my fault our friend didnt come back bc of what i said and i felt rlly horrible about it.

guh .also like . i jsut feel angry that responsibility was always pushed onto me no matter the sitatuon because i was the oldest of the friend group. no matter what any one else did, somehow it was my fault. it was always "you need to control your emotions" if someone purposely jabbed at me or "when did i ever do that" if i got upset. genuinely i felt like i was going fucking crazy . i think at that point i was so dissociated because i couldnt handle my situation that i became an angry person to cope with it. anyways now that im freed from that i actually feel a lot better.

i should also mention i think she knew she had some kind of leverage over me because at any given point she knew she could make me do what she wanted since i didnt want to make her angry or upset. i know it sounds stupid in hindsight like "why did you do that you literally have free will" but i was dumb ok. i rlly didnt want to upset her bc i had a severe emotionally dependency on her . every time she'd ask me for "help" it would just be making me do every thing for her. i did her chores so our parents wouldnt yell at her, i cleaned her room ebcause she "needed help", i refilled her cats litter on multiple occasions also because she "needed help", i even cleaned her cats puke and shit off her carpet multiple times. but if i even asked her for one little thing. like askign her to help me with one thing in return. suddenly its "why do i need to do that" "you can do it yourself" and "i dont owe you" like ok ill just kill myself. WHAT FUCKING EVER.