• Life is like a bed of roses... watch out for the pricks.
• Life is not a caberet - it's a circus
• I know Jack Shit
• Sex is like snow. You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it'll last.
• Work is the curse of the drinking class.
• Time flies like an arrow... fruit flies like a banana.
• I've done so much with so little for so long, that now I can do almost anything with virtually nothing.
• Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing
• I hate to advocate drugs and sex, but they've always worked for me.
• There are few problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
• Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Signs it's going to be a bad day...

• You wake up face down on the pavement
• You wake up to discover your waterbed broke, only to remember you don't have a waterbed.
• Your wife says, "Good morning Bill" and your name is George
• You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
• You put both contacts in the same eye
• Your twin sister forgot your birthday
• Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat
• Your income tax refund check bounces
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
• You see a 60 Minutes news team at your office
• The bird singing outside your windo is a buzzard.