its been a while since i posted anything. i vent out here and surprise im gonna vent out now. now that i've truly known what it feels like to live in brisbane and now being back here it feels rather the same. nothing has changed. i didnt change much. i thought that moving would mean more opportunities, independence and frankly i wanted to generally have fun and do that stereotypical college/teenage/drunk kid stupid things. i figured out that im not that type of person, when i have the chance i back out or i just dont get the chance to. i didnt make much friend, i have friends but they're not close friends. im a really shitty friend anyway so i kinda figured and i knew anyway. thing is i want to change but at the same time i know im really shitty like i cant keep friends. im back and i havent seen a single one of them and i think they dont like me as much. which is totally understandable and frankly i feel it too. i honestly am the type of person who is so shitty like im boring as hell anyway i cant tell a story but in my defense i always feel like jerry/gary/larry. never really talked and i mean i never am very opinionated like i just soak up everything i see in tv. im not that creative, i copy things i really dont care about anything. im very awkward, very socially awkward. but i want to change and be more confident of who i am but its just hard cause of stuff (growing up, etc). never really knew what it felt like to be loved by my family. we have a weird dynamic. we love each other but we never really convey our feelings, never really bonded over some deep things. my parents often fight. i guess alot. my mom is always the victim, i feel bad for her. sometimes i want to tell my dad no stop, just say no if you think its too expensive, if its too much of a burden. thats why i think moving to australia is such a burden its so expensive and thats why i want to figure out if its for me or not, if i truly can bare it. knowing me i know i'll have a hard time getting jobs and anything really, friends, boyfriend. i think i stress too much on finding someone and the slightest attention they gave me i begin to be obsessed. its only cause theyre nice and i should stop. i crave things, adventure. i mostly want to meet people who i gel with who i like we bond we go out and have fun. the time is yet to come where i feel content with everything. but first i must learn to be content and happy with myself, that i still am figuring out. hopefully i'll figure it out.