dissapointed in myself that i haven't been actively searching for a job, getting a chance to interview, be an adult. now i feel sorry for myself and there's no one else to blame but me.

i've been chilling, not doing anything. what will it take for me to get down to actual business and face the real world head on?

please, god, help me find a job. i just want to contribute something to myself and my family.

why am i such a dissapointment.

feb 7 2017 ∞
feb 7 2017 +

Sometimes I wonder if my social anxiety is holding me back from meeting the people who would actually be right for me instead of a bunch of fucking whiny nothings as friends.

nov 10 2014 ∞
nov 10 2014 +

In real life, being the ugly friend in a gaggle of gorgeous girlfriends can sometimes feel like you’re supporting cast in someone else’s story. That feeling is reinforced when you notice, as you’re walking down the street, that most people’s eyes, like a rom com camera, slide right off you and onto your beautiful friends. It’s a deeply unpleasant, genuinely pernicious feeling.

It creates competition, and resentment, and jealousy, as corrosive to friendship as salt water air on a scratched up car. It makes you bad at friendship, less able to empathize with the people you’re supposed to be supporting: “How can she complain about whatever problem I’m supposed to be helping her solve right now, doesn’t she know how lucky she is to look like that?”

You head knows that being beautiful doesn’t guarantee a care-free life. Your hea...

nov 6 2014 ∞
nov 6 2014 +

my parents are such assholes. there's no denying it. my dad, sometimes his action is too extreme like seriously they're only doing their job and our country is our country, the system is shit and you have every right to despise it but its not their fault that they work in that type of system. and honestly its just waiting for registration number, its not big deal. in the end all of your shenanigans, and ruling out the eye check thing first costed us and in result we waited longer. sometimes i want to tell them to just shut the fuck up and wait. they are so impatient everything has to go their way and its fucking life man just be nice for once like ugh fuck. but at the same time they get what they want. by being assholes!!!!! super douchey about it and now i start to think like fuck is this how i have to go through life? by being a dick? an insensitive little prick? well that restores human...

jun 30 2014 ∞
jun 30 2014 +

i have never felt so unhappy in my life before. its juat empty, like there's nothing more to life. i thought i would have felt more fun living here but it's just not the case. i feel so alone, just nothing. I feel bad because this was the choice i made. I own up to my decisions. It maybe just a wrong one, i guess my mom was right. I wasnt ready. I knew i wasnt. I just wanted to get out. But why? Now i start to question. Before i thought hey im going outside mu comfort One i like being alone anyways so whats the problem? Ugh. I just would hope things to be different. In a good way. Idk get some life adventures and experiences, meet someone. But who am i kidding im never going to find someone who likes me. Some guy idk its just i know i mean im never get one but its just like i dont know i guess i just hoped i mean i knew buy like idk the benefit of the doubt. I get sad because its me missin...

feb 26 2014 ∞
feb 26 2014 +
  • introducing you to male supermodel zayn
  • grooves by louis tomlinson
  • baBY ShOUT iT YeAH <harry>
  • californication by niall
  • liam pain
jan 7 2013 ∞
jan 7 2013 +
  • so guilty writing this after writing about financial matters
  • sobs
  • but i really do need a dress for my friend's sweet 17
  • and it has to be beige/light yellow
  • huhuhu :'''(
jun 1 2012 ∞
jun 1 2012 +
  • hi im hungry
  • i want food
  • desperately
may 22 2012 ∞
jun 1 2012 +

im never going to find a job, im a loser and i deserve the worst.

feb 24 2017 ∞
feb 24 2017 +

the worst thing about being shy and introverted is that you most of the time come off as cold and arrogant like you think you’re better than everyone else and thats why you don’t talk to people or hang out with them but it’s really the opposite its like you’re so uncomfortable with yourself that you don’t wanna share it with anyone else so you just dont and people think you’re an asshole but you’re actually just really scared

dec 29 2015 ∞
dec 29 2015 +

lately i've been thinking about myself. about who i am as a person and those that surround me. i've come to slowly accept myself, i've come to terms with who i am. awkward, shy and introverted. i am not at all comfortable with people, even people that i've known for a long time. i realize that rather than forcing myself to become someone i'm not, i just need to let time slowly build me up. the difference between me a year ago and me now, i'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. sure i have 99.9% bad days, especially when i'm back in brisbane, but whenever i come back home.. i feel rejuvenated. i feel like myself again. i feel loved. even though i'm alone, i'm not lonely. i have my family with me. i think thats what i'm missing... craving... a sense of home. the people that make you feel at home.

i know how to be presentable. i'm still learning about it, especially makeup and d...

jun 27 2015 ∞
jun 27 2015 +

i guess thats the culture? i keep complaining but i know its my fault. i never really do anything to change it. i decided that this is not the life for me, and that i would like to move somewhere else. my friend's new relationship bothered me more than i expected, i dont know how i should act. but i know its normal to feel this way. i hate everything here and i feel out of place. i always feel alone, i dont like it. im okay with being alone i love it, i need it. but loneliness, i cant handle it.

apr 9 2015 ∞
apr 9 2015 +

“Suddenly you’re 21 and you’re screaming along in the car to all the songs you listened to when you were sad in middle school and everything is different but everything is good.”

hopefully, one day.

right now its bad and im listening to my middle school songs reliving the pain.

nov 10 2014 ∞
nov 10 2014 +



nov 6 2014 ∞
nov 6 2014 +

part took in a indo event here and knew no one. i've always had a trouble making friends but i thought it would be easier. omg it was horrible!!! i literally knew no one and i know they seem to not like me as much which is uncool but yeah, people. i dont know i've never had good socializing skills so i don't know. i just feel like it would be a different story if i looked a certain way, better. it sucks because everything is solely about that, theres always going to be injustice. and im slowly learning to love myself but its hard because i dont know how. and theres alot of i dont knows in my life because yes i am that type of person, i dont have a clear and significant plan, i play along, i am a background, i am a sidekick, i am an option.

and that hurts.

i cant change myself because i dont want to. personality wise, im not a bad person...

aug 17 2014 ∞
aug 17 2014 +

yeah i was never ready to move. this was never sth i imagined. this uni life. i just cant and idk i want to go back stat

mar 4 2014 ∞
mar 4 2014 +
  • obviously sex *smooth*
  • yEAH
  • drool outta their chin chins
  • hm guise
  • if everytime we T A A A OUUCH
  • help
  • fiber being rn and everything #WHAT IS THIS REACTION
  • i did not intend to do to this shit umkay
jan 7 2013 ∞
jan 7 2013 +
  • better grades
  • be a lot more carefree
  • meet new people everyday
  • get to know others
  • be a better friend
  • find someone who cares
may 19 2012 ∞
may 19 2012 +

so that's that. 15 years of education, you are officially a uni graduate. i've never had a solid plan in life everything i did was merely "going with the flow". i say that to everyone, oh i'm just going with the flow. to be honest thats just code for i really have no fucking clue of where i'm going in life. its sort of always worked out. it'll take a while, about 2 years to get used to.

atleast there was a structure. now there is none. i mean i am free to go to another structure in life: the working life. i havent completely made up my mind but i know that i dont want to stay in jakarta for long.

so for once in my life, here's the plan: i'll hopefully get a job by the end of the year/start of the year, hopefully with a multinational company. work there for about 2 years. (plenty of time!) and try to get a scholarship in the UK or AUS for ...

oct 2 2016 ∞
oct 2 2016 +

a youtube comment just summed up my sexuality (atleast for now):

sooo I guess I'm just not sure what to "label" myself yet. I've always identified as straight or just not identified at all but lately I'm beginning to realize that that's not entirely who I am. My issue though is that I haven't done anything with anyone yet (neither guys, nor girls and I'm like 20) so I'm kind of confused because how can I know if I haven't tried right? And in my head whenever I'm attracted to someone seriously I tend to rationalize everything and make it look like it's not real and that's probably the reason I've never dated or been with anyone... Like my brain always goes like "wait what you're feeling isn't real. it's just your head" and I whenever I kind of bring something out of my head and into the real world, it gets automatically devalued by my brain and I no longer feel it for some ...

jul 6 2015 ∞
jul 6 2015 +

i hate my life. i really do. i hate my friends or the lack of it. i just do. i hate it i hate it

fuck this

i want it to be better

apr 9 2015 ∞
apr 9 2015 +

i am over consuming, everything. it feels like i've been deprived of materialistic things- 'womanly' things to be exact. i was never the girl who shopped alot, my mom would never allow me. i remember one time i had the saddest holiday and in my mind if i bought materialistic pieces of clothing it will magically fulfill my sadness. my mother never knew i was coping with loneliness. i go in circles, perplexed, my life is not complicated it is simple. too simple. i have nothing yet i have everything. it is a balance i'm trying to find and none of the people around me understand. i wallow in sadness but i just want to be sad. 18 has been the saddest of all ages. trumping 14, 15 heck 16. i dont remember but yet i remember having friends. my 17th birthday was great. my friends surprised me, it was shocking because i never thought in a million years that i would have one. is this all over consumi...

nov 10 2014 ∞
nov 10 2014 +

All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack. This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth? The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s ...

oct 23 2014 ∞
oct 23 2014 +

its been a while since i posted anything. i vent out here and surprise im gonna vent out now. now that i've truly known what it feels like to live in brisbane and now being back here it feels rather the same. nothing has changed. i didnt change much. i thought that moving would mean more opportunities, independence and frankly i wanted to generally have fun and do that stereotypical college/teenage/drunk kid stupid things. i figured out that im not that type of person, when i have the chance i back out or i just dont get the chance to. i didnt make much friend, i have friends but they're not close friends. im a really shitty friend anyway so i kinda figured and i knew anyway. thing is i want to change but at the same time i know im really shitty like i cant keep friends. im back and i havent seen a single one of them and i think they dont like me as much. which is totally understandable an...

jun 13 2014 ∞
jun 13 2014 +

have no fucking friends. no fucking cool friends to hang out with anyway like god damn it why do you do this to me i am so saaaaad. like for realz here sucks so much the fucking education is bullshit anyway, i've done way harder in IB but thats just cause they expect that level. they undermine people so much here like really?????????? the fuck bro. i am so sad and my life is sad and shit is really fucked up around here like i mean i just want to go back home there i said. i knew i was gonna feel that way anyway nothing ever goes my plan like FUCK just shits for keisya. good BYE. i am done with this life. SO DONE. TAKE ME BACK. TO MA PARENTS CRIB. CUZ I DONT LIKE LIVING LIKE A GROWN UP. have no cool friends anyway so whats the point.

oct 28 2013 ∞
oct 28 2013 +

i felt like i did a pretty shitty job all around god damn it its your final high school exam and you blew it god damn it whats wrong with me. now i feel like letting my parents down so bad and i feel douchey but god damn it why did existential crisis hit me like right now????????????? i mean i still dont know what to do with my life and i havent applied anywhere wat is life siriusli like wat. i juz i juzt i feel like such a failure and i spent loads money like really why do you do this to me i feel so not like me and i lose myself everyday and i keep on losing friends not because of them but bcs of me bcs i got tired and distant myself like really this is the type of person i am and I DONT KNOW i just how do you change yourself its not easy and im that person who strays away although youve been so nice to me its just me and my insecurities i :( i hope for the best and get a decent results ...

may 15 2013 ∞
may 15 2013 +

hi i really want to be done with my FOA and i want to get a good score out of it but i d k man its so hard like wtf ugh

dec 4 2012 ∞
dec 4 2012 +
  • i've been spending so much money lately
  • i need to be efficient in spending it
  • use money for only important things-- prioritize expenditures
  • such as for school especially art
  • omg art you piece of art
  • and then spend it for foods and stuff
  • okay
jun 1 2012 ∞
jun 1 2012 +
  • you've been on my miiiind
  • i want you
  • in my mouth
  • then you're taken on a journey
  • from my esophagus to stomach to my intestine
  • oh cravings
  • oh chocolate fondant
  • i am only human
jun 1 2012 ∞
jun 1 2012 +
  • written task (GET BETTER GRADES LORD HELP)
  • TOK presentation
  • exams oh god
  • get your CAS done
  • IB is a bitch and you know it
  • so tackle that bitch
may 19 2012 ∞
may 19 2012 +