i am over consuming, everything. it feels like i've been deprived of materialistic things- 'womanly' things to be exact. i was never the girl who shopped alot, my mom would never allow me. i remember one time i had the saddest holiday and in my mind if i bought materialistic pieces of clothing it will magically fulfill my sadness. my mother never knew i was coping with loneliness. i go in circles, perplexed, my life is not complicated it is simple. too simple. i have nothing yet i have everything. it is a balance i'm trying to find and none of the people around me understand. i wallow in sadness but i just want to be sad. 18 has been the saddest of all ages. trumping 14, 15 heck 16. i dont remember but yet i remember having friends. my 17th birthday was great. my friends surprised me, it was shocking because i never thought in a million years that i would have one. is this all over consuming need just my way of making up for the past? of things i have been deprived of, things my parents never taught me and never wanted me to have. i had to learn from the outside,i am not the person my parents raise me to be, i am a product of television and this is the truest statement to date.

i am feeling slightly over dramatic, but when my friend constantly ask about values, morals and family i linger and wonder is it them or is it just me? me figuring out by myself the values i set out myself and the moral compass i chose to lead in life.

i am struggling to find myself, i am always so alone. i am so so so alone, i have always been and there's no way out. i am comfortable, with myself. but for how long will i have to wait until someone just cracks me open and all my fiber being emotions ooze out?

i dont have it hard but selfishly i dont have it easy either. my problems are all in my head, my need to fit it, my need to exist. i am merely coexisting and i am longing to exist.