• what does a nosy pepper do? gets jalepeño business
• what do you call a fake noodle? an impasta
• what kind of bear has no teeth? a gummy bear
• what did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? bison
• how does jesus make his tea? he brews it
• what are slums of italy called? the spaghetto
• why did the ghost cross the street? to get to the other side
• what did the mermaid wear to math class? an algae- bra
• why should you never trust an atom? they make up everything
• why does snoop dogg need an umbrella? fo drizzle
• what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh
• what do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator
• what is a chicken's favorite composer? bach
• what is mozart doing right now? decomposing
• what do you feed an invisible cat? evaporated milk
• what's the difference between a cat and a comma? one has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause.
• what do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs? a condescending con descending

why is peter pan always flying? because he neverlands. do you know why i love that joke? it never gets old.

• billy, why did you eat your homework? my teacher said it was a piece of cake.
• i walked across the street, and then i walked into a bar, and i realized my entire life is a joke!
• a rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class the other day. it was a weapon of math disruption.
• as you might know, ghandi walked barefoot most of his life, which caused him to have really bad callouses at the bottom of his feet. he also had a strange diet, which made him very frail and have very bad breath. so you could say he's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
• an ancient greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants. "euripides" says the tailor. "yeah, eumenides?" replies the man
• where does the king keep his armies? up his sleevies
• why are a stockbroker's arms always cold? because even in winter, he in vests
• how many psychologists did it take to change a lightbulb. one but the lightbulb had to want to change.
• how many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? two. one to screw in the bulb and the other to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in another world of cosmic nothingness.
• what kind of drink do mermaids like? lemermaid
• what kind of stick can a dog never put down? a glue stick
• why did jason eat the lamp? he wanted a light snack
• what do you call a baseball player at the bottom of the sea? dead
• what do you call someone who doesn't like you? me
• what is it called when you murder a friend? homie-cide
• what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
• how did the nucleus escape from prison? through the cell wall
• do you really wanna know what gets my goat? el chupacabra
• who's the most famous married woman in america? mississippi
• which state has the smallest soft drink? minisoda
• how many apples grow on trees? all of them
• i always wear glasses while doing math, it improves division
• i was accused of being a plagiarist, their word, not mine
• how do you organize a space party? you planet
• i used to be a banker but i lost interest
• long fairytales have a tendency to dragon.
• did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? good thing it was a soft drink.
• yesterday i swallowed some food coloring. the doctor says i'm alright but i feel like i've dyed a little inside.
• how do i lose 30 pounds in 1 minute? go to england and buy something
• what's green and eats nuts? syphilis
• why do people cut down trees? i just don't cedar point
• what do lawyers wear to court? lawsuits
• have you been displaying any signs of vampirism? well i have been coffin.
• what kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? white vans
• what did the dj name his son? eric
• what do you call a frog that's illegally parked? toad
• why can't you trust stairs? cuz they're always up to something
• two windmills sitting next to each other in a wind farm. one turns to the other and says "hey uh what kind of music do you like?" the other windmill responds "oh i'm a huge metal fan"
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMt7wAkMieI
• Not all construction jobs are equally exciting. For example, making a hole larger is boring, while putting two pieces of metal together is riveting.
• a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says “wow horse, you’re in here a lot these days, I think you might be an alcoholic.” the horse says “I don’t think I am” and then pops out of existence.

so the joke is a reference to french philosopher rene descartes’ famous quote “I think therefore I am,” but if I told you that first, i’d be putting DESCARTES BEFORE THE HORSE

• Ivan Pavlov is sitting in a bar, having a drink.

A customer walks into the bar, and the bell over the door chimes. Pavlov puts down his drink, looks up with a shock, and says "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs."

• A businessman was standing at the end of the pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The businessman then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The businessman then asked: “But what do you do with the rest of your time?” The fisherman said: “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my friends. I have a full and busy life”. The businessman scoffed. “I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.” The fisherman asked: “But how long will this all take?” To which the businessman replied: “Fifteen or twenty years”. “But what then?” The businessman laughed and said: “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions”. “Millions? Then what?” The businessman said: “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends”.

• “Why do ducks have tail feathers?” “To cover their butt quacks.”
• Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets it
• Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.