- Sometimes you never realise how much you love somebody until they are gone. Sometimes you never realise how much you love somebody until you see how happy you are when you're with them. Sometimes you never realise how much you love them, until you are practically part of each other.
- I always cherish last moments. I save all my dad's voicemails incase it's the last one he leaves. I always tell people I love them before they leave, in case its the last thing they hear me say. I always save all my pictures in case it's the last one I have of them being happy, even if its fake happiness.
- You will know when you truly love someone. The moment you think about them, you just can't even summarize the emotions you feel for them. It just feels never ending, unconditional, you just can't even start to describe it and no matter how many times you say it, it will never be enough to show how much you care.
- I feel as if my whole existence is a burden. I feel terrible making someone go out of their way to do something, wasting time waiting for me or wasting money on me. I feel terrible asking people to hang out because I feel as if I'm forcing them to and they don't really want me around. I feel terrible saying I can't do something with someone, I just feel terrible about things in general.
- People lie. If people are saying they've never lied, that's a lie right there. Sometimes lying is an easy solution, we use it to simplify situations "Did you copy this down?" "Oh, yeah of course.". Lie. That's how we start. Then we use it to get out of trouble, for silly excuses "Did you do this?" "Of course not.". Lie. Then we expand it. "Where were you last night?" "Oh, I was at her house". Lie. We expand it and stretch it until it becomes so easy, we've relied so much on it, that we just become one giant lie and no matter how hard we try, we can't tell the truth. Not even to ourselves.
- I hate everything about me. I'm so easily taken advantage of and I'm too nice to people who are assholes to me. My brain is so messed up, I don't understand how anyone would want to even talk to me, nonetheless be my friend. I hate food. I hate gravity. I hate medication. I hate myself. Eating is my enemy yet why do I continue to do it? Food is for survival, not for pleasure. Why can't I just be skinny like all the other girls. That's all I want. I just want to be so small that I'll just disappear and no one would have to worry about me. I just want to blend into the background. Besides my love hate relationship with food, I also wish I wasn't a person who belongs in a mental institution. Voices, hallucinations, paranoia...all textbook signs of a Paranoid Schizophrenic (which I'm convinced that I am, despite the neuro lady's tests because her test also said my IQ was 108 and I know for a fact it's higher than that). Counting everything, having specific order...textbook signs of OCD (which I have been diagnosed with) and severe anxiety over everything, even things as simple as breathing too loud or presenting something. And last but not least...my lovely depression. I feel like there's a black hole or a really heavy weight where my heart should be, like its wrapped in chains. I feel the void. I have no reason to be sad, so why am I? Other people have been through worse and they are still perfectly happy, why can't I be? It can't be that hard to find, I just bet I'm not looking in the right places. I just wish my life was normal.
- I love music with all my heart and soul, but it also contributes to my cynical attitude. Every time I listen to my favourite artist or someone who's really talented, like my friend Elizabeth, I can't help but feel the void in my chest. I get so jealous that they can make such beautiful amazing music and why I can't be like them. All I think about is the fact that I will never, ever, be anywhere near their level of talent. That sends me into a depression. I just want to be good at something because I suck at everything currently.
- Why is it so hard for me to make friends? My best friend can make friends so easily and everyone loves her. My other friend has so many friends and is so social, which I wish I could be. I want to be accepted by one group. That's all I ask. I feel like the group I'm trying to integrate into is just blocking me out with an invisible wall. I can approach the wall but I can never get over it into the side where I'd be accepted. I know the people, I just wish I could get closer to them or stop being awkward around them. I don't know what to do to get them to like me. My best friend can sit down at the table and everyone just loves her. I sit down at the table and I create an awkward silence or just get completely ignored. I wish I could be outgoing too. I just want to not give a fuck about anything and do what I want, like one of my friends. She plays shows, she doesn't care if she messes up, she is so confident in herself and I wish I had even the tiniest bit of self-esteem. As much as I want to be different than anybody, I want to be the same. I want to be accepted. I just want to be loved and accepted. That's all I ask for.
- I'm scared that all the scars on my arm with hold me back from life. My old therapist wanted me to try and fade them, but I really don't want to. They're a part of me, part of my past and they symbolize that I've lived through it...I may have not made the best decisions but I survived. She told me I probably wouldn't be able to get a job, which scares me. What if I have kids? What would I tell them when they ask? I'd feel terrible to lie and I'd be so embarrassed. What if they told the other kids? What will the other parents think of me? Will I even survive long enough to have kids? Will I beat my mental problems and stay alive? I don't want to live but I don't want to die. I want to freeze life at a perfect spot and just live in that moment for forever. I hate getting older, I hate the idea of being on my own, I hate the idea of real life with things like student loans, budgeting my spending, paying bills and taxes and things, and getting a job. I don't know. I just want to stay young forever. I wish it could happen.
- I've learned not to trust people and only doubt them because of things that have happened in my life. He told me he loved me, but he did but in the end, he fell out of love with me. That makes me want to doubt every relationship I have with anyone. What if one day the just stop liking me? What if one day they just don't want to be my friend anymore? What do I do then? I also learned not to tell people things. Everyone is always like "Come talk to me whenever you are having problems" but really, I barely know that person and would probably not talk to them about my problems. I told one person one of my secrets once and then someone somehow heard told over 15 people (of which I still don't know all of them to this day) my deepest, darkest secret. My mom said she would stop drinking, yet her husband and her are drinking behind my backs and its getting as bad as it was before. I can't even trust my own sister because she doesn't want to listen and/or would tell me mom in those times where she wants to get revenge. I can't trust myself because I don't even have full control over my brain.
mar 30 2012 ∞
jan 8 2013 +
jan 8 2013 +