I feel like I'm always going through slumps and at the last minute I get to enjoy everything but much too late. Sure college is a nice fun thing but I mean I'm missing so much. Yeah I could make a ton of new friends but I'm afraid my grades would suffer and would my relationship with Avi. I would not care to do either of those things. It's funny how I usually end up hanging out with my friends friends and never have any real ones of my own. Who knows what this is all about. I still miss high school and I wonder how long this will last compared to how long I missed middle school. These slumps that I seem to go through not only hold me back but they also remind me that it's impossible to enjoy anything when you miss something (or someone too I guess). There's always that thing in the back of your head reminding you things could be better. Or are they already? Am I just living in the past because I hold on too much? Why is anything like this possible?

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I haven't seen Avi in almost a month and it's absolutely killing me. I wish I could afford to go visit him more. I really wish I could. But I can't and it's hard.