First and foremost, I am the biggest idiot in the world at the moment. I have absolutely no regard for myself to be making the dumb mistakes and decisions that I have been making. Next, I need to be a lot stronger. I know I can do it because I've spent so long doing it. I cannot and I will not give up now.

I love Avi. I know I do. We were in a little bit of a rut before and I feel like had none of that happened, I would not be in the shitty situation that I am in right now. I will say that this whole rut has made it very hard for me to deal with my own personal problems properly.

Now this whole Sam business. I definitely do not like him like that. Yes I find him attractive but that is really it. I don't like him. This odd feeling that I get is really just something that I am lacking internally and has nothing to do with him. But he thinks otherwise. I need to set him straight and let him know how stupid all of this is. What I told Christian that night was purely out of being high and being selfish. I was not thinking properly and I did not properly express what I was trying to say. What I told Christian was that I wanted his validation. I do not want anything more at all whatsoever. Christian took it as Sam's flirting was getting to me and it was not that at all. In fact I didn't even consider anything he did as flirting. I am an adult. I know exactly how I am feeling and I know exactly how to fix it. But its not that easy. I got screwed over. Christian told Sam everything, making it seem like I was drooling over Sam when I really was not. I feel awful making a huge mess out of this when it really means nothing but because he thinks it means something to me, I need to correct that. Now I have no idea what I said to Kyle that made him tell Sam that I said that he was into me because I was very drunk but I do not recall telling him that at all. Maybe I said some stuff but that is about it. Now that he brought it up I feel even more inclined to say something. None of this was ever meant to happen. I need to find a way to talk to him and just get everything cleared up and in the open so he knows that it is nothing. I do not need his validation and I do not need anything from him. I said that out of vulnerability and my lack of stability with Avi. Not out of true feeling.