November 2019

• 18/11/19: organizing video files, within temptation liked my tweet, glass (film), asmr.
• 19/11/19: organizing video files, piano covers of starset.
• 24/11/19: old skillet music, wonder (film), went to bed late.
• 26/11/19: gifted, changed my bedding, went somewhere for the first time since summer/being ill (tesco), dinosaur christmas stuff, legs hurt, eighth grade (film).
• 27/11/19: got belated birthday presents from fiona in the post, talking to dan most the day, i think we're alone now.
• 28/11/19: headache, daisy fighting with another cat.
• 29/11/19: black friday shopping online, starset, watching the space station go over x2, pretty crescent moon, period started for the first time in nearly 3 months.
• 30/11/19: in bed with period pain, i think we're alone now soundtrack, bad wolves, talking to dan.

——————

December 2019

• 1/12/19: vlogmas, moon lamp came in the post, bad wolves, moana.
• 2/12/19: starset, beautiful clear evening, talking to dan.
• 3/12/19: fox in the morning, surprise insta message from brett, editing vlogmas.
• 4/12/19: tired, robin looking at me through the back bedroom window, snapchat, talking to dan, good boys, fog.
• 5/12/19: spotify wrapped, hot milk - candy coated lies, papa roach liked my tweet, can you keep a secret?.
• 6/12/19: grey, can you keep a secret?, tired.
• 7/12/19: editing vlogmas, rosie's memorial christmas decoration came in the post, donuts.
• 8/12/19: editing, nap, honey roast turkey, asmr, wild (film).
• 10/12/19: tired, rain, the martian, cat fight.
• 11/12/19: anxiety, first time going to the lake since summer, tired.
• 12/12/19: raining all day, editing.
• 13/12/19: b&m, daisy brought a mouse in the house, chip shop, exhausted.
• 14/12/19: tired, editing, tesco, thunder & lightning.
• 15/12/19: sorting out my clothes, sorting out my earrings, exhausted, the martian, hail.
• 16/12/19: grey, smiths garden cenre, new tinsel, asmr.
• 17/12/19: tired, tesco express, raining, dusting the lounge, krampus.
• 18/12/19: grey, walk around the lake, cormorants and egrets roosting, for sale sign went up on the pub, talking to dan until nearly 2am.
• 19/12/19: b&m, walking home in the pouring rain, new christmas tree lights.
• 20/12/19: klaus.
• 21/12/19: anxiety, chessington, aquarium, soaked in torrential rain, watching dan play his PS4 game on yt & chatting.
• 22/12/19: postbox, editing, putting rosie's decoration on the christmas tree.
• 23/12/19: sainsburys
• xmas eve: freaks, elf.
• christmas: sick, in bed most the day, blackbird singing at dinner.
• 26/12/19: sick, in bed, period pain, YOU season 2.
• 27/12/19: editing.
• 28/12/19: anxiety, bullshit with g again/blocking her everywhere/final straw, upset.
• 29/12/19: editing vlogmas, nice supportive twitter DM.
• 30/12/19: editing vlogmas, dumbo.
• 31/12/19: grey, spotify premium, saw a meteor in the garden after midnight, talking to dan/went to bed at 3am.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

2020

(note to self: a lot of this year is missing because I spent so much time with severe depression, anxiety & PTSD from the end of march onwards that I didn't feel in the mood to record what I did each day/was very difficult to consistently record everyday)

_____

January 2020

• 1/1/20: grey, listening to empowering music, YOU, talking to dan.
• 2/1/20: tired, talking to dan, hair cut, YOU.
• 3/1/20: sunny, going to the cemetery for nan's birthday, mum received the inheritance money, talking to dan pretty much all day, ordered memorial necklace for rosie.
• 4/1/20: donuts, looking at clothes on H&M, fiery sunset, YOU.
• 5/1/20: bit of anxiety, YOU, roast dinner, went to bed early.
• 6/1/20: mum gave me inheritance money, talking to dan/caterpie eyes/beard/bitmoji, looking at stuff on etsy, ASMR.
• 7/1/20: walk around the lake, got rosie's memorial necklace in the post, talking to dan for hours, looking at stuff on amazon, feeling sick from tiredness.
• 8/1/20: tired and achy, changing daisy's food mat, ordering h&m stuff.
• 9/1/20: anxiety, walk around the lake/sitting by the lake, jay birds, adopt a highway.
• 10/1/20: gardening, feeling exhausted/achy/stomach pains, big full moon, ordering belated birthday stuff from amazon, went to bed early.
• 11/1/20: woken up by yodel h&m delivery at 9am, had breakfast then went back to sleep until 1pm, still feeling tired from yesterday, stomach pains, new bigger burgers.
• 12/1/20: lucifer dvd & earphones arrived, stomach pains, feeling down/depressed/frustrated, crying, primeval.
• 13/1/20: anxiety, feeling down, cleaned a bit of my room, storm, talking to dan/him making me feel better/talking until 2am.
• 14/1/20: anxiety, storm, trying yoga, putting away my christmas decorations, talking to dan.
• 15/1/20: tidying my room, laundry, primeval, cleaning, talking to dan/old selfies.
• 16/1/20: cute dream, talking to dan nearly all day, recycling, primeval, organizing pc files.
• 17/1/20: anxiety, feeling down, intrusive thoughts, primeval, didn't really feel like doing anything all day.
• 18/1/20: talking to dan for 5 hours straight (11am-4pm) & another couple hours before bed, feeling better (happier, calmer, reassured), tired, nap, late dinner.
• 19/1/20: tired, boring day, organizing pc files, intrusive thoughts/feeling a bit down, primeval.
• 20/1/20: tired, achy, feeling lazy, pre-period pain, primeval.
• 21/1/20: very cold, walk around the lake and in the woods, snowdrops, lots of insta likes on snowdrops pic.
• 22/1/20: pre-period pains, feeling down, anxiety, feeling whacked out from yesterday, resting in bed most the day.
• 23/1/20: laundry, walk around the lake, pre-period pain.
• 24/1/20: period pain, in bed all day, talking to dan until 2.40am.
• 25/1/20: talking to dan for hours in the evening, headache.
• 26/1/20: feeling whacked out, anxiety, breaking benjamin - aurora, primeval, nap.
• 27/1/20: primeval.
• 30/1/20: fatigue, primeval, talking to dan until 2.30am.
• 31/1/20: fatigue, walk around the lake, flowers by the river! (looks like spring), daisy sleeping in the shed, talking to dan until 4am ♥.

_______

February 2020

• 1/2/20: finally having energy, feeling good, tidying my room, papa roach, primeval.
• 2/2/20: dyeing my hair, primeval.
• 6/2/20: sainsburys, getting new stuff for myself, chip shop.
• 7/2/20: upset, primeval.
• 9/2/20: storm, daisy sleeping on my bed, the stranger.
• 10/2/20: the stranger.
• 12/2/20: bored, frustrated, upset, the stranger, talking to dan until 3.30am & feeling better.
• 13/2/20: b&m, talking to dan, netflix, falling in reverse - the drug in me is you new official version, headache.
• 14/2/20: talking to dan all day, chip shop.
• 15/2/20: tired, cleaning the kitchen, storm, the stranger, talking to dan in the evening, fractured.
• 16/2/20: storm, bored, talking to dan, jurassic world.
• 17/2/20: getting my big h&m order, talking to dan all day, jurassic world fallen kingdom.
• 18/2/20: cleaning my room, bored, unmotivated, talking to dan / uwus.
• 19/2/20: rosie's bracelet arrived, feeling down/upset, no motivation, pre-period pain, talking to dan before bed.
• 20/2/20: period pain, in bed all day, feeling shit, naps, went to sleep early.
• 21/2/20: feeling mostly better, dan snapchat selfies, headache.
• 22/2/20: anxiety, feeling down, watching dan play his new PS4 game/talking about the game/talking in insta DMs, going to sleep late.
• 23/2/20: feeling better, talking to dan all day, hunt for the wilderpeople.
• 24/2/20: lots of weird/random dreams, leg/ankle/foot pain all day, youtube, went to sleep late.
• 25/2/20: anxiety, messaging dad, glitch (netflix show), JW3 first photo, watching the simple life with dan.
• 26/2/20: tired, sunny, the drug in me is you, astrology, glitch.
• 27/2/20: anxiety, walk around the lake, sunny, glitch, feeling kinda detached/down.
• 28/2/20: making cupcakes, singing in the kitchen, feeling down/upset, trying to learn the drug in me is reimagined on the piano, glitch.
• 29/2/20: hailstones, insta selfies, monster munch, feeling better.

_________

March 2020

• 1/3/20: slept in late, pyjama day, five finger death punch, glitch.
• 2/3/20: asthma checkup at GP's, shopping, mcdonalds, talking to dan most the day when I got home, watching the simple life with dan.
• 3/3/20: fatigued from yesterday, making an omelette for the first time, glitch, talking to dan until 2am.
• 4/3/20: tired, tidying my clothes, feeling lazy, glitch, talking to dan a bit before bed.
• 5/3/20: cleaning & clearing out the pc desk, feeling sad, glitch, feeling better talking to dan until 2am.
• 6/3/20: b&m, feeling good, talking to dan, really bad fatigue, resting in bed.
• 7/3/20: sainsburys + first signs of panic buying, new pc mouse, had to go to b&m to get loo rolls, late dinner.
• 8/3/20: sleeping in late, feeling lazy, nap, cleaning my makeup brushes with washing up liquid, glitch.
• 9/3/20: pyjama day, talking to dan all day, watching the simple life with dan, H&M order, glitch.
• 10/3/20: tidying up some clothes, dusting, glitch finale, all the bright places.
• 11/3/20: walk around the lake/river flooded, egyptian geese, walking by the canal to the park, saw a butterfly for the first time this year, all the bright places.
• 12/3/20: laundry, asmr, talking to dan all day/deep talks about us & our connection & our mindsets/being honest/cheese, went to sleep late.
• 13/3/20: b&m, the mist (tv show), feeling sad.
• 19/3/20: tesco apocalypse shopping - so many empty shelves (from virus panic buying), chip shop, talking to dan, the mist.
• 20/3/20: 1 year since rose passed away, collecting my h&m parcel from yodel in hayes, asda, the mist, talking to dan.
• 21/3/20: cleaning the bathroom, feeling unmotivated, asmr, talking to dan until 3am.
• 22/3/20: cleaning the bathroom, twitter, youtube, sitting in the garden.
• 23/3/20: walk around the lake and in the woods, baby bunnies, chiff chaffs.
• 26/3/20: tidying my clothes, anxiety, the grudge.
• 27/3/20: anxiety, walk around the lake, talking to dad on whatsapp, starting LOST rewatch.
• 28/3/20: home alone for a couple of hours in the morning/got up at 7am, clearing out the food cupboard.

________

April 2020

• 3/4/20: depressed, all time low, walk in the woods to iver, LOST, bat in the garden at twilight.
• 4/4/20: depressed, warm & sunny, sitting in the garden for hours/listening to LOST season 1 soundtrack.
• 12/4/20: period pain, in bed most the day, anxiety, depressed, ASMR.
• 13/4/20: anxiety, depressed, writing, wrapping up daisy's birthday present, LOST.
• 14/4/20: headache, anxiety, depressed, sorting out my bags, youtube.
• 15/4/20: depressed, organizing pc files, all time low, youtube, LOST.
• 16/4/20: "daisy's 2nd birthday", depressed, anxiety, organizing pc files, youtube.
• 17/4/20: pretty sunrise, anxiety, depressed, youtube, LOST.
• 18/4/20: depressed, walk around the lake, left the house without needing codeine for the first time since august, nap, cataloguing music I've listened to.
• 19/4/20: anxiety, depressed, making belated easter cupcakes.
• 20/4/20: depressed, astrology, watching satellites outside in the evening.
• 21/4/20: anxiety, depressed, headache, nap, LOST.
• 21/4/20: anxiety, depressed, LOST, stargazing 12am-2am, exhausted.
• 22/4/20: anxiety, depressed, walk around the lake, garo making me jump/scream in the kitchen, LOST.
• 23/4/20: anxiety, depressed, spotify playlists.
• 24/4/20: depressed, the used's new album, h&m order.
• 25/4/20: walk around the lake, donuts, depressed.
• 26/4/20: depressed, gardening, youtube, ordering things for mum's birthday, stargazing.
• 27/4/20: tired, depressed, sitting in the garden, anxiety, LOST.
• 28/4/20: depressed, rainy, walk by the canal to the park, LOST, the used.
• 29/4/20: depressed, anxiety, walk around the lake, LOST, S forum.
• 30/4/20: depressed, anxiety, walk by the canal in the rain, making cupcakes.

______

May 2020

• 1/5/20: doing geography map quiz book with mum, anxiety, walk around the lake, LOST, ASMR.
• 2/5/20: wrapping up mum's birthday presents, cleaning the fridge, car tyres/drive to iver, cleaning my shoes, looking and ordering stuff on amazon.
• 3/5/20: walk by the canal, cleaning the front door and doorstep and moss, LOST.
• 4/5/20: anxiety, walk around the lake, goslings.
• 5/5/20: got my barbie pyjamas from asda, made a quick h&m order, sitting in the garden, anxiety, LOST.
• 6/5/20: headache, anxiety, warm, walk around the lake + goslings, S forum.
• 7/5/20: anxiety, walk around the lake, trying my fitness watch, dragonfly landed on me by the river, period started.
• 8/5/20: period pain, in bed all day, youtube, anxiety, hot.
• 9/5/20: hot, backache, h&m order arrived, cleaning, laundry.
• 10/5/20: windy, youtube, anxiety, ASMR.
• 11/5/20: sorting out my clothes, walk around the lake, ASMR, decorating downstairs for mum's birthday.
• 12/5/20: mum's 60th birthday, walk around the lake + goslings, sunny day, lighting a match for the first time!, boston manor.
• 13/5/20: walk around the lake and in the woods, baby bunny, nap, chilly, some lockdown rules relaxed.
• 14/5/20: lazy, sitting in the garden, daisy sleeping in next-door's plant pot, cake, youtube.
• 15/5/20: cleaning the car, drive to amersham, co-op, brownies, nap.
• 16/5/20: primeval webisodes, S forum.
• 17/5/20: walk around the lake, S forum, nap, bit of anxiety,
• 18/5/20: b&m, S forum, cleaning.

______

June 2020

• 16/6/20: anxiety, walk around the lake/sitting by the lake for an hour, tern flying round the lake, terrapin, humid.
• 17/6/20: walk around the lake/sitting by the lake, humid.

______

July 2020

• 10/7/20: walk around the lake, setting up the new tv, got a full length mirror for my room, sad, frozen 2.
• 11/7/20: tesco, rings, hazelnut brownies, nap, pinocchio.
• 12/7/20: tired & achy, bored, lazy, youtube on the tv.

____

August 2020

• 21/8/20: period pains, in bed most the day, twilight.
• 22/8/20: new moon, eclipse.
• 23/8/20: breaking dawn part 1
• 24/8/20: dug out my twilight books in my room, watching concerts on youtube, dad told me they're having ANOTHER baby, shocked/confused/infuriated/sad, breaking dawn part 2.
• 27/8/20: re-organizing my bedroom, reading twilight.

____

September 2020

• 1/9/20: sunny & warm, first walk since being ill.
• 2/9/20: youtube, organizing my nail polishes, reading about twilight phases/north pole & south pole daylight hours, twilight & new moon soundtracks.
• 3/9/20: organizing the card drawer in the lounge, nostalgic.
• 4/9/20: hearing an owl outside my window at 4am, not being able to get back to sleep for ages.
• 5/9/20: seeing a comet in the early hours after taking the trash out, sainsburys.
• 7/9/20: walk round the lake, got my new trainers delivered.
• 8/9/20: feeling down, walk round the lake.
• 9/9/20: feeling down, reading new moon.
• 10/9/20: sitting on the doorstep in the sunshine, construction site blaring music, working out, twilight ambience videos, organizing my youtube playlists.
• 11/9/20: post office, walking home via the park and canal, sitting in the garden, skillet.
• 12/9/20: tesco, sore feet, donuts, gardening, youtube.
• 13/9/20: sunny & warm, looking at masks on etsy, cleaning things in the garden/outside of the house, ASMR, reading new moon.
• 14/9/20: finished re-reading new moon, started re-reading eclipse, heatwave (28c), sitting in the garden, stargazing.
• 15/9/20: heatwave, writing, reading moon phase facts, walk by the canal at twilight, in the garden with daisy at twilight.
• 16/9/20: heatwave, tidying up, reading eclipse, period pain, went to bed early.
• 17/9/20: period pains, in bed most the day, reading eclipse, tumblr.
• 18/9/20: watching starlink satellites go over our house from the back at 5am, looking for daisy at 6am by myself (walked down the roads), knocking on people's doors and handing out posters about daisy, looking for daisy by the canal at twlight, found out B&M is closing down soon.
• 19/9/20: anxiety/stressed/upset about daisy, walking around the marina field looking for daisy, posting on facebook groups about daisy, tired.
• 20/9/20: daisy came home at 5am, sitting in the garden, facebook, youtube, talking to gerry about daisy.
• 21/9/20: got up at 6am to feed daisy & she came on my bed, B&M, sunny & warm, daisy sitting on my lap on the doorstep in the evening, orange crescent moon.
• 22/9/20: tired, heatwave (25c), reading, gardening, daisy being cute on my lap in the evening.
• 23/9/20: walk around the lake & in the woods, twilight ambience vids, daisy sitting on my lap at the pc desk, went to sleep late.
• 24/9/20: gardening, chilly/grey/rainy, organizing youtube vids.
• 26/9/20: chilly, tesco, youtube.
• 27/9/20: chilly, youtube, reading eclipse.
• 28/9/20: reading eclipse, walk round the lake.
• 29/9/20: got up early, went to the local B&M for the last time (before it closes), playing with slime and a tangle toy, walk by the canal, messing around on snapchat.
• 30/9/20: gardening, adult colouring in, sno babies.

______

October 2020

• 1/10/20: adult colouring in, reading eclipse, exploring w fighters' youtube livestream, went to sleep late.
• 2/10/20: raining all day, cold, ASMR, chip shop, daisy sitting on my lap at the pc desk.
• 3/10/20: sainsburys, new art supplies (colouring pencils & pens), discovered I've been wearing the wrong bra size!, EWF livestream on youtube, went to sleep late.
• 4/10/20: sad, sorting out my clothes/changing over wardrobe to autumn & winter clothes, went to sleep late.
• 5/10/20: really tired, milder weather, lake & river flooded (barricaded off), marina & white cat, youtube.
• 6/10/20: FATN facebook interactions, B&M slough, argos (to get my bedside cabinet), cookies.
• 7/10/20: feeling down, walk by the canal, seeing puss puss, sitting in the garden with daisy, youtube.
• 8/10/20: changing the light shade in my room.
• 10/10/20: tesco, halloween food, feeling down, the nightmare before christmas, daisy sitting on my lap at the pc desk.
• 11/10/20: feeling depressed, cleaning my shoes, ASMR, the nightmare before christmas.
• 12/10/20: feeling depressed, cold, organizing my jewellery, cleaning my makeup brushes, youtube.
• 15/10/20: feeling depressed, depression nap, period pain, youtube, the birds.
• 16/10/20: period pain, in bed most the day, talking to dad, youtube.
• 18/10/20: youtube, lucifer season 5.
• 19/10/20: walk around the lake & the woods & the marina, mild, youtube.
• 20/10/20: mild, ordering more masks, youtube, lucifer.
• 21/10/20: mild, going with mum for her flu jab & uxb shopping, testing perfumes, headache, youtube.
• 22/10/20: mild, youtube, headache.
• 26/10/20: youtube, walk around the lake at sunset, poltergeist.
• 27/10/20: sainsburys, trying on coats, pretty sunset, grave encounters.
• 28/10/20: carving a pumpkin for the first time, sunshine & stormy weather, grave encounters 2, surprise message from dad, jennifer's body.
• 29/10/20: making halloween cupcakes, jennifer's body.
• 30/10/20: walk around the lake, the conjuring.
• 31/10/20: extra sad/upset/irritable, tesco, another national lockdown announced, the blair witch project.

____

November 2020

• 1/11/20: mild (17c overnight!).
• 2/11/20: walk around the lake.
• 3/11/20: feeling really down, upset, walk around the lake at sunset, cold, as above so below.
• 4/11/20: home alone, dyeing my hair, sainsburys/getting a new coat, the lie (film).
• 7/11/20: home alone, cleaning, anxiety, reinstalling instagram, upset.
• 9/11/20: 29th birthday, mild/15c, surprise presents, upset/feeling really down, nice message from dan in the evening, nice cake.
• 10/11/20: anxiety, feeling down, walk around the lake, went to bed early.
• 11/11/20: period pain, in bed most the day, anxiety/upset/feeling depressed, winnie the pooh.
• 12/11/20: anxiety, feeling down, the secret of skinwalker ranch, couldn't get to sleep for ages.
• 13/11/20: anxiety, feeling down, youtube, personal shopper, fireworks out the back.
• 14/11/20: feeling down, tesco, irritable, upset, youtube.
• 15/11/20: feeling a bit better, host, spree.
• 16/11/20: got up late, writing, lazy, youtube, the social dilemma.
• 17/11/20: anxiety, walk around the lake, feeling down.
• 18/11/20: anxiety, talking to dad about what gemma did last year, drive to amersham, mcdonalds, greenland.
• 19/11/20: got up late, anxiety, writing, walk around the lake, defending jacob.
• 20/11/20: anxiety, walk around the lake in the rain, defending jacob.
• 21/11/20: anxiety, feeling down, tesco, garo cut down the big tree at the end of our garden, run.
• 22/11/20: feeling down, cleaning some stuff in my room, defending jacob.
• 23/11/20: anxiety, sainsburys, giving garo beer & chocolates to say thanks for the tree, defending jacob, the lodge.
• 24/11/20: anxiety, beautiful sunset, walk around the lake after sunset/in the dark, the witches (the new film).
• 26/11/20: anxiety, walk around the lake.
• 27/11/20: anxiety, depressed, black friday shopping online, S forum.
• 28/11/20: dad's accidental voicemail, anxiety, tesco, fairy lights, paranormal activity 2.

_______

December 2020

• 1/12/20: walk by the canal, anxiety, really upset/trauma resurfacing, paranormal activity 4, went to sleep late.
• 2/12/20: headache, depressed, lockdown 2.0 over.
• 3/12/20: anxiety, depressed, she dies tomorrow, ASMR.
• 4/12/20: anxiety, depressed, hair cut, walk around the lake at sunset, S forum.
• 7/12/20: walk around the lake & feeding the geese/ducks.
• 8/12/20: depressed, what lies below, couldn't sleep until 3am.
• 9/12/20: anxiety, depressed, ordering my christmas presents from mum on new look, talking to dad, alone (2020 film).
• 10/12/20: anxiety, depressed, walk around the lake & feeding the ducks/geese/swans, the core.
• 12/12/20: period pain, in bed all day, you should have left, went to sleep late.
• 13/12/20: anxiety, youtube, cleaning downstairs, the rental.
• 14/12/20: anxiety, depressed, watching exploring w fighters youtube vids all day, home before dark (tv series).
• 16/12/20: depressed, youtube, walk around the lake in the rain & feeding the ducks/swans/geese, I prevail, colouring.
• 17/12/20: tired, meeting ben, asda, feeling brighter.
• 18/12/20: depressed, walk around the lake & feeding the swans/geese/ducks.
• 20/12/20: depressed, dan d (exploring with fighters yt) replied to me in a video premier chat, bianca texted me.
• 21/12/20: depressed, mum put the tree up, walk around the lake, black christmas (original).
• 22/12/20: depressed, walk around the lake & feeding the ducks/geese/swans, tidying my room, the grinch.
• 23/12/20: tired, depressed, tesco, making christmas cupcakes, the grinch.
• 24/12/20: headache, depressed, walk around the lake & feeding the swans/geese/duck, a christmas gift from bob.
• 25/12/20: tired/sore eyes, nice surprises, cold (like 4c), resting in bed.
• 26/12/20: upset, anxiety.
• 27/12/20: depressed, walk around the lake/feeding the swans & ducks, youtube.
• 28/12/20: really cold, walk around the lake/feeding the ducks & geese, deck the halls, a sunburnt christmas.
• 29/12/20: very cold, tesco, picking out 2021 diary & calendar, centigrade, went to sleep really late.
• 30/12/20: very cold, walk around the lake/feeding the ducks etc & the marina, a very merry pooh year.
• 31/12/20: walk around the lake/feeding the ducks, reflecting/writing about 2020, standing in the driveway watching people's fireworks.