for a long time there were moments where overwhelming feelings had me thinking about how much i truly love people, and this trip had me thinking even more deeply and frequently about it. i know it kind of sounds vague but it isn't as much as it seems (at least i think so). the point is - my heart is completely weak and soft for people, and i mean it very seriously, no exaggerating, it's just so easy to get me completely snatched and i see it as clear as ever now after a month of living with so many new people. i wish i could explain things properly, because i just feel so much, i want to put it into words, and i'll try it. when i say someone can easily have me snatched, i mean it. someone can literally have 20 minutes of interaction with me, or maybe just sit by my side, and if i feel something special from that person, they have me. what do i mean with "special"? i don't know, honestly; i just feel some things exhaling from certain people and that draws me to them. one perfect example of how easily snatched i am: at the mexico airport there was a boy sitting right behind me in the food court - he was very clearly a redneck. he was super skinny, had light brown hair, redish and very cute lips and redish cheeks, and his eyes showed asian traces, but very slightly. he was wearing a red shirt and a redneck hat and i was in complete awe. i was so admired by him, i just wanted to keep looking forever. i kept thinking about him and looking around at the airport later, hoping i would see him again. i didn't, unfortunately. but he kept wandering in my mind. i saw something special on him, something different, something that pulled my interest i just really wanted to talk to him and it frustrates me so much i didn't. he was with his family, all also very clearly rednecks. i still think about him, even though i don't remember his face so much anymore, which makes me wanna cry, honestly. i have such a hard time remembering people's faces if i don't see them often, and that is cruel to someone like me. i just really wish, really really really really really really really wish, i could see him again. i just to talk to him i don't even know why, i don't think i have ever been this focused on something like this. what had me confirming my deep admiration for random people was how attached i got to people at the english course. i spent like one or two weeks with them and my heart hurts so much to have to go away. they made me so happy and i always wanted to be around them so much, and i don't even got to know everyone so well, we just had good moments and i just felt so nice with them, and again, i saw something special on them, and i admired them deeply and i feel like i will never have something like that again, something so special like that. because all these years living where i live i never had something like that, that only happened so hard and harsh in toronto, so now i feel scared i'll never have that again. maybe that was just a toronto thing, and everything's going to be sad and miserable now. maybe that was the relief before the never ending storm. i hope not. in my beautiful world, i get to see that redneck again and talk to him, and life's not miserable. and i find those people again, meet them again. i want to understand these feelings, is it my need for connection? am i crazy? am i obssessed? i don't know. but i will soon.