RELEASE - What did you let go of this year? // Expectations. I feel like I can deal with disappointment more matter-of-factly, more drama-free. Take things as what they are. I'm trying to appreciate everything as best as I can as I go along, the good things and the bad things. Because the bad things make the good things shine more. I wonder why I always end my years on a rather sad note. Looking back there are always wonderful moments to cherish in every year and it actually surprises me because I keep forgetting about those highlights and can't help but focus on my mediocre mood all the time. That is a reason why I write everything down. To make me realise I have a good life. I just don't see it as such a lot of the time. It must be my personality. Truly happy moments are rare and whenever I have one of them I wonder what happened. A sudden change in brain chemistry? Or did everything really just fall into place? I often feel content, but truly happy? Such a rare treat. I didn't let go of a lot of things this year. I gained weight instead of losing it, I still live with a whole basement full of stuff. I let go of a lot of money when I had to pay back my student loans, that much is true. I feel like I had to let go of friendship, again. Frank and I are still friends but there is so little contact now, I don't now. I let go of Markus, voluntarily. I let go of a feeling someone gave me, the feeling of belonging, of being a team, of being wanted. Which is something I regret more than I care to admit and is something that I might want to work on next year. I want to belong.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS - What were you deeply proud of doing, making, being, etc. this year? What made ​​you feel good? // I felt more emotionally stable. I feel like I can cope with things better and master everything by myself or at least know where and whom to ask for help. I am actively working on leaving bad situations. Working on creating better conditions. Solving problems. I went to the theatre a whole lot, something I really wanted and will continue to do. I did things on my own. Sing in a choir, go to a screenprinting workshop. I actually completed my reading challenge and read 52 books this year, one for every week. I also want to continue doing that. I became something like an equal opportunities commissioner for girls at school and have organised workshops and a counseling system. Last year I noticed that I felt quite passionate about gender equality so this position is important to me. I am also responsible for our school's anniversary next year; I like having more important roles. I read a whole lot about feminism (lesbianism), did some exploring and widened my horizon. I have (a little) more healthy sleeping patterns (I hardly ever slept in the afternoon) and I spent a whole month on brushing up my French after a huge motivation boost from my time in Paris. Looking at last year's goals - as I said, still having problems with friendships, with getting healthier (have I mentioned gaining weight and smoking too much?) and even my hair (*cries*). I'm still single but I caught a glimpse of what it can feel like to be with someone at the end of the year and I really liked it. So I'm still looking for the fine dudes out there. I still live in my old moldy apartment (because I just couldn't make the move, literally). But I drew a little bit more, especially during my trips. So now the things I was really good at accomplishing: travelling and my cultural goals (theatre, reading, languages).

BREAKTHROUGHS - What were your biggest breakthroughs? This can be in any area: emotional, spiritual, career, etc. // I've started to figure out how I have to live in order to be happy-ish - enough social life, frequent travels, keeping my home tidy and organised, tackling tasks as soon as possible, being outspoken and honest about anything bothering me. I also really need to keep learning and reading in order to be happy so I really need to keep challenging myself more in this department - attending cultural events, taking courses and classes. I might actually look into going back to university part-time? A really big challenge for me would be to live and work abroad for some time but I haven't figured out yet how to make this happen. I learned that no one will take over my responsibilities for me. No one will ever be responsible for me but myself.

HAPPINESS - What was the most fun you had this year? When were you really happy? // Some random happy moments I come up with when I think of this year:

• Sitting alone on the little pier going out to the bay, the Gulf of Thailand. Looking up, watching the night sky over the southern hemisphere. Using Sky Map to identify constellations I had never seen before. Making a wish after seeing a shooting star.
• Lying on our deck chairs, reading, drinking frozen smoothies, jumping into the water. Paradise.
• A bike tour through the fruit orchards in Cai Be, wearing Vietnamese hats.
• The SOHN concert at La Maroquinerie in Paris, just a few streets away from Ombeline's apartment.
• Walking through the Galerie de Paléontologie et d'Anatomie comparée together, looking at whale skeletons and dinosaur bones.
• New Year's Day. Spending the morning with Frank, getting food at a Turkish bakery, walking over Theresienwiese, looking at the Bavaria and the weird scenery (everything looked like a war scene). Going home, feeling really content and grateful.
• Being surrounded by water really does it for me: Swimming outside at Dantebad during the snow. Spending an evening at Westbad with Hannes, kissing in a dark corner. A day at the Therme Erding with Lexi, drinking cocktails in the water and riding the waves with pool noodles. Not to mention swimming in the ocean in France, snorkelling in Vietnam.
• Going to Residenztheater, wearing red lipstick, feeling all fancy.
• The morning we all spent outside Villa Josalie, drawing, writing, coding, reading, playing the guitar. Playing Kubb afterwards. Making dinner, oven roasted vegetables with orange juice. Taking pictures of the camera obscura effect in the bedroom.
• Discovering Ramatuelle / the light situation after our afternoon at the Saint Tropez beaches with the moon visible over the hills / Rexi-action and fish attacks.
• My first time at a screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show at Museum Lichtspiele with Hannes. Screaming at the screen, throwing rice, wearing party hats... I had a lot of fun.
• The best night out of the year: Prosecco Schlagerbar with Markus from Berlin. Kissing in a gay bar, asking out dudes, saving him from unwanted suitors (not all of them though - that old guy Richard actually gave him a big fat smooch on the lips). Close second: The Candy Club party with Doris (dancing pizza, what). Finding out that most lesbians look like Justin Bieber.
• Exchanging Christmas presents with my 8th-graders this year was fun, especially after having woken up in the Westend with fresh croissants for breakfast.
• My Ewan McGregor-as-Curt Wild obsession. And meeting the most beautiful man of Oberpfalz a.k.a. Sirius Black.
• Mama visiting me in Munich.
• Drawing the house across the street from the windowsill in Tallinn. Lilac blooming everywhere. The Burlesque show (!) and the afternoon at the Baltic Sea (I also quite enjoyed the ferry ride).
• Singing karaoke (very badly) in St. Petersburg. Practising my French with Stephan. The Eremitage cat cafe (especially considering that you have to step through a wardrobe and meow three times in order to be let in).
• Drawing at the seaside on the island Suomenlinna, the little café next to the toy museum. Licorice ice cream with bits of Daim. The Finnish sauna.
• Sitting on my balcony in the sunshine, basically lying in my neon yellow deckchair, smoking, reading, enjoying a glass of Lillet.
• Eating dinner at 4am in the candlelight in Dascha's amazing apartment. Natasha calling me her queen, telling me secrets about love while smoking Vogue cigarettes on the balcony. Taking pictures with a rainbow umbrella at Red Square.
• Making fun of the movie at the drive-in-cinema.
• Screen-printing about my Sleater Kinney-obsession.
• A walk through Nymphenburg park, the botanical gardens. Talking to Lena over hot chocolate.
• Sitting on a bench in the darkness with Anika, overlooking Fréjus, a bottle of cider between us; talking. Driving over the pyrenees to Spain.
• Singing Sweet Dreams at Milla.

And as usual, I'll refer to my monthly lists, too: January / February / March / April / May / June / July / August / September / October / November / December

LOVE - Who did you fall in love with this year? // I didn't meet a lot of new people this year. I think I only kissed four (Markus, Sven, Marcus and Hannes?). I met someone OFFline (Nico). I went on my first date with a woman (Anna) - can you see how desperate I am? (well, actually I wanted to find out if I like women, too, but my affection seems to be Doris-exclusive) And yet, the universe dealt me two good cards: Markus and Hannes (both tall, blonde, bearded, with long hair and blue eyes - looks like I have a type #frank). The first one I met at the beginning of the year, we used to write long e-mails, I was smitten. Until I wasn't. The tipping point came when he gave me a list for my birthday, a list with 99 things that are great about me. Too much. I wanted out. He was hurt. I didn't mind. And then, at the end of the year, there was Hannes. An instant connection, he was so friendly, so secure, every bit of affection seemed normal to him. It was fun to be around him. We are both very weird and very good together. And then, out of the blue, he called on 30 December to tell me that there is no spark. That, once again, I'm not good enough. That I'm fun to be around, very intelligent, that I'm just not loveable enough. Good-looking enough. Normal enough. I don't know. Those were not his words, only my - very emotional - conclusions. He would like to stay friends, that made me cry. Because of the last time I tried to stay friends with someone I loved. The hardest thing I've ever done. Which brings my to Frank - I have the feeling we aren't even friends anymore. We hardly talk. So all that effort, all that crying and fighting - for nothing? So again, even though I'm grateful for the good days I had, for the people I met and liked, I'm ending this year on a bitter note. With the feeling that love is not my strong suit. Not for me. Even though I did find out that I'm too old and wise for aimless dating or sleeping around. I need a true connection. I might be ready for an actual relationship. You know, all or nothing, really. Hannes was the last piece of the puzzle. I want a true friend, someone I belong to.

LOSS - Who did you miss? // I think I have to write the same as last year. My family. Many friends and acquaintances. Bert, again, although I was very honest and he couldn't take it so we haven't spoken since his birthday and I think he's planning on keeping it that way. I still missed how relationships with people USED to be. Frank, who is hardly a friend now, just like Claudia, Fabi. Doris. I don't know what it is.

PEOPLE - Did you meet anyone new? // For the first time I didn't have to leave after one school year. It is so much nicer to know what and whom you can expect after the summer holiday. I'm still crushing on Doris but I didn't manage to make her my new best friend. We had a tough time for a few months and I hardly spoke to her at all. It's better now but somehow it's not meant to be. I met Julia at Elsa's wedding, I'm planning on seeing her more often. I met Anika and travelled with her during the summer. But again, it feels like I lost more people than I got to know. The relationship to my colleagues is superficial. I don't see my old friends often enough. I hardly ever see Moni. I never see friends like Tamara, Kati, Fricki, Becky or Bibi anymore. I don't see Franzi and Elsa often enough. I basically haven't seen Claudia and Fabi all year. I hardly ever speak to Frank. I thought of an analogy for us which has something to do with the day we spent at Hofgarten, playing Kubb - where we also played in a team together. And lost. What the hell is wrong? I thought you'd rather widen your circle of friends as you get older?

TRAVEL - Did you travel? Where did you go? // In February I went to Paris with Frank, I spent two days in Moscow with Dascha and Lexi only to go to Vietnam afterwards, just the two of us (best travel team ever). I went on a little northern roundtrip (Helsinki, Tallinn, St. Petersburg) with Mohana and visited her in Berlin in the summer. Then I went on a roadtrip through France and all the way down to Spain with Anika (Lyon, Sète, Perpignan, Fréjus and a day trip to Cap de Creus) until she went home again and my friends arrived at the riviera where we had rented Villa Josalie again and spent ten days in the sunshine at the Côte d'Azur. This year, I didn't have to travel alone but I sometimes felt alone. I don't know what's worse. This sounds more negative than it actually is - I am grateful for all the experiences I was allowed to make. I loved coming back to Sainte Maxime, to my favourite beaches, remembering all the routes again, discovering new ones. Russia was interesting, sometimes scary, and yet not as different as I had thought. In hindsight, I had a marvellous time with Lexi on Phu Quoc. The white beaches, drinking frozen smoothies, snorkelling, sitting under the southern night sky. And even though my mood was extremely low and I was kinda mad at Frank the whole time I rather enjoyed our stay in Paris. It's also one of those cities I feel very much at home in. I might just have to move to France, eh? In 2018 I will go on a trip to Barcelona with Nicole and a few students in May. My first real school trip. Flying with pupils. Exciting. I also really want to go to Mexico. Either alone or with Lexi, we'll see. The family (minus Michi) is going to travel together as well but we aren't sure about the destination yet. It was going to be Japan again but since Michi won't be able to take some time off we might just go to Ireland instead. And Elsa and Andi are going to get married on 11 August in Northern Germany. I'm going with Franzi and Ralf and since neither of us has been there we want to spend a few days at the North Sea or visit Hamburg since we're already driving up there.

FASHION - What was your most beloved/favorite outfit? How would you describe your style this year? How did the way you dress change? // I had pink-ish hair, blonde hair, then dyed it brown in autumn because it started to look a little skanky. Now it feels extremely ratty and thin, I'm actually thinking about getting extensions. For real this time. Or at least a hair cut. I kept wearing my daily uniform - a dress with leggins and possibly a cardigan. I became obsessed with Doc Martens (so far I own a black pair, a cherry red pair and the Leona lace-ups). I got a little black half-moon bag at the flea market hall for 1.50€ and I've been carrying it around ever since. I loved wearing a bright red satin dress paired with a knotted denim shirt in the summer at the riviera. I got a lot of compliments for my navy blue French military style coat (apparently it looks rather Hungarian). And there was the black bathing suit I nicknamed Sunday Roast (because the strings and straps in the stomach region cut nicely into the tummy fat).

MUSIC - What were some of your favorite records and songs? What song will always remind you of this year? What song lyrics reverberated with you? // I went to quite a lot of concerts this year. I think my top 5 must be

• SOHN / La Maroquinerie, Paris / Frank
• Grossstadtgeflüster / Feierwerk / Claudia
• Deichkind / Kindl-Bühne Wuhlheide Berlin / Mohana
• Von Wegen Lisbeth / Muffathalle / Lena, Lexi
• Ankathie Koi / Panama Plus, MUCCA Kreativquartier / Markus

I also saw Rival Sons, Warpaint, Bilderbuch, Voodoo Jürgens, Ásgeir, Die Fitten Titten, Pollyester, Odd Couple, Audio88&Yassin, Icke&Er and went to Labertal-Festival with Claudia. Another thing I discovered are the GoSingChoir sessions at Milla - we sang Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics and it was such a great experience to learn a song in two hours and then see (hear) it all come together in the end. I'm definitely going again! But course there are more individual songs and artists I liked, for example Mas Ysa - Face / Benjamin Clementine - Jupiter / Wolf Alice - Beautifully Unconventional / St. Vincent New York / Rolling Stones - She's a Rainbow / Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror / MGMT - Little Dark Age / Oliver feat. De La Soul - Heart Attack / Severija Janušauskaitė - Zu Asche, Zu Staub / Alt-J - 3WW and In Cold Blood / Kendrick Lamar - I / Bilderbuch's Magic Life album / a mild obsession with German pop and hip hop artists like Grossstadtgeflüster, Schnipo Schranke, Von Wegen Lisbeth, Sookee, Marteria, SXTN. Sleater Kinney (!)

MATERIALISM - Something you wished for and got (for yourself)? // I'm still trying to come to terms with the concept of less. So I'm trying to deny myself impulse wishes (not all of them of course) and use what I already have. I hope I bought less useless objects, less clothes and make-up. I did (happily) spend money on books, theatre tickets and concerts though. On travel. On good food, days at the swimming pool, presents for people I love. Unfortunately I also had to spend a big sum on the repayment of my college loan, on car repairs and traffic fines.

MOVIES - Your favourite films of the year. //

• Gnade (2012)
• Wilde Maus (2017)
• Get Out (2017)
• Mulholland Drive (2001)
• Velvet Goldmine (1998)
• Hin und weg (2014)
• Schwarze Katze, weißer Kater (1998)
• Here is the full list - since I read so many books this year I didn't really watch a lot of TV at the beginning of the year but somehow I got into the habit again in autumn and winter.

TV - Your favourite TV shows of the year. // Not many new additions this year but at least the few ones are rather good:

• Stranger Things
• The Crown
• Babylon Berlin

BOOKS - Your favourite books/stories/poems/plays. // I made it! I completed my reading challenge and read 52 books this year! One for every week. Here are some of my favourites:

• Lena Andersson - Widerrechtliche Inbesitznahme (hit close to home - escpecially because I read it while being stuck next to Frank on the train to Paris)
• Mariko Tamaki, Jillian Tamaki - Ein Sommer am See (most beautiful graphic novel I've read so far)
• Donna Tartt - The Little Friend (it's Donna Tartt - of course it's awesome)
• Roald Dahl - Going Solo (I stole the book in St. Petersburg - hostel bookstack so fair game - and read it in Helsinki; I loved all of his adventures)
• Stephanie Danler - Sweetbitter (food and sex - yes, please)
• Jeffrey Eugenides - Middlesex (favourite author)
• Haruki Murakami - Kafka am Strand (weird but enchanting) and Men Without Women
• Sally Rooney - Conversations with Friends (I love her writing style)
• Naomi Alderman - The Power (hands down best thing I read all summer)
• Juli Zeh - Nullzeit (I liked the setting and the couples' dynamic)
• Margaret Atwood - The Handmaid's Tale (shocking and important)
• Astrid Lindgren - Ronja Räubertochter (I had never read it before but I now know that I should have, it's truly heartwarming)
• Roxane Gay - Bad Feminist (very insightful essays about our culture and behaviour)