the somewhat odd thought that i think i was mostly normal, once, when kremer treated me with respect and let me down gently. and then the coyote boy sank his teeth into me and george smelled blood

xx relationship baseline / northstar

• enough trust that neither of us feel compelled to inspect phones / following lists
• enough security that I don't feel a need to monitor his behavior around other people
• equal adult partnership where both of us manage our own lives
• thoughtful, emotionally stable, capable partner
• want to be able to relax and be imperfect without feeling like I must constantly perform
• want both of us to have meaningful friendships and sources of support outside of the relationship
• want a partner who is proud of my accomplishments and does not require me to make myself smaller
• want to be honest with myself and my fami...

• funny (really funny)
• takes accountability
• considerate
• has emotions (big win)
• very respectful
• patient, even-tempered
• similarly potentially over-tolerant / non-self-advocating
• wise, logical, solutions oriented

----

• should let the lunch texts be what they almost certainly are: boy who likes you, saying hi

• my entire life, my whole being: a beautiful, flawless construct. a worthless magnum opus. the belief that if i build enough ivory spires and alabaster towers inlaid with mother-of-pearl that god / buddha / zeus / entropy might reach down with celestial hands and fix whatever's wrong with me, fill the void in my chest; a reward for their most faithful.
• foolish child, thinking you can trade achievements for love. empty calorie. holographic. wire monkey. a birthday party for one.

• freedom and autonomy
  • hate being controlled
• creativity
• authenticity / honesty <> being truly seen
  • tell no lies
  • would rather have a little of something good than a lot of something mediocre
• integrity, fairness, and justice
  • bad people should face punishment / judgement
• loyalty
  • defend your friends fiercely
  • do not speak against them publicly, voice disagreement privately
• self-awareness and growth
• i will heal and it is inevitable

• metaphors, symbolism, and cosmic parallels
• cosmic lux
• art and expression as outlets & survival mechanisms
• a face that reflects the sea (the sea of stars)
• sanctity in connection and understanding
• i see you
• spirit blossom evelynn

• INTJ-T
• aquarius
• 1w9 ??? 8w9?????
• peach flavored things

if i drew you something please credit my TH

• toyhouse (ask)
• twitter (private)

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oracle_bon...
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burned_hou...
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Queen_...

• fear / the child
• the girl from the dirt
• control/planner part — “I want to know it all now”, hates uncertainty, will front-load information (assess everything, prepare, de-risk)
• logic / engineer - I will analyze and logic-this to death to avoid feeling any emotions and rationalize everything.
• ice - if i can't logic-this to death or make sense of it, i will be cold and brutal and i will leave first

great question. because i cried that sentence out, wailed it, to nobody's listening ears, in the aftermath of both of my exes where i was perfect and gave everything i had. because wanting to be loved doesn't mean you will be loved. wanting to be loved means you no longer have the defense that comes of dismissal, and disinterest, and avoidance, and withdrawal. wanting to be loved means you will pour out just as much as you already have been in your passive search for it - potentially more, only to watch as people choose others and give them the love that you always dreamed of. and then it turns inward - maybe i was not good enough. maybe i am just the girl from the dirt. and then that want becomes a truth. and that truth becomes irrevocable. and then it must all end with turning to bones in a meadow, surrounded by wildflowers. a pair of sparrows alighting atop your fourth rib - maybe the o...

on goals

• 7 weeks is NOT about achieving some arbitrary milestone: need to gather "this is safe / the future here aligns with what i want" data
• PRESENCE not progress
• go as slow as you need to stay regulated and clear-eyed
• you can support but people ultimately need to fight their own battles. i want him to prove that he can
• time reveals omissions and true intentions

on personal resilience

• trust accrues slowly, over time, and intuition / discernment will catch a mask drop before it happens
• i have a 100% survival rate
• ruling out all available short-term evidence leaves you with nothing and may be il...

my friend of five years, for the last year a model of everything i want (and until recently misconstrued as someone i wanted)

• i want someone to love me like that one day
• i want someone to miss me this much one day
• i want to be that important to someone one day
• i want the person i someday love to love me back
• i want presence, not attention
• i want care that feels like breathing
• i want sunlight and the crush of alpine snow, a love like a gasp of mountain air, soft hands and slow dancing in my cinnamon kitchen framed in billowing white linen curtains
• i want a love that loves me back (giving people love has never meant that they wil...

• i would rather issue potentially false ultimatums than sit with the discomfort of ambiguity (i am the girl from the dirt)
• i have a very weak concept of my identity separate from the value and services i provide other people
  • i value constant iterative improvement and growth --> but why? if not to be better (for other people)? if not to offer more value (to other people)?
  • i value integrity and honesty and kindness --> but why? if not to be better? to offer a better life and treatment to other people so that i might sleep peacefully at night knowing i am a good person (to other people)?
  • the silent fury i have when selfish people bemoan their people pleasing tendencies. darling, you have not the slightest clue how suffocating it is to live this way....

as bad as things can ever get, i have good music. i get to go to bed with a full belly. i have a body that is springy and obedient and lithe and pain-free (sort of... just kidding). i have friends who will call me back and grab food and laugh and cry with me. i am rich, i am rich, i am rich

• it's too painful to grieve the drowned boy
• it was too painful to grieve the coyote boy
• & now i'm grieving the coyote boy to avoid grieving the drowned boy
• seanha is always several steps behind
• i never want to grieve for anyone ever again

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GKoKP...

i am a thinker in all aspects of the word except when it comes to love. then i am ruled mercilessly by my heart. it’s why i am slow to engage, slow to trust and slow to fully let down my guard. once i start to love someone, it feels impossible to stop. a perversion of my heart. a promise made to my own soul, now violated. (i am young and not yet wise in the ways of the world.)

the whole act of love for me is a war waged in my own head.

even as I move on it’s in the midst of some war. if i live life with my heart and my head personified, as separate individuals (an inconsistent team) tied together at the waist, then my fear-hued logic, scorn and spite is yanking the rope, begging to keep moving forward—and my poor heart lies stubbornly on the ground, tear-stained and ghost-eyed, arms wrapped tig...

A homage to all the people who have held and broken my heart:

my best friend, lou, the star-eyed and his fog tread, the shattered boy, little green, michelle and all the rest, the first and last Galatea, her (or some idea of her), the coyote boy and the serpent girl, the yet-nameless boy of the mist and all the others i have yet to meet

heartbreak is a familiar feeling. longing is a soul-carved name. hiraeth etched into my every rib (my lungs scrape the engravings with every breath). there exists an empyrean comfort in this pain—akin to the way an old wound aches. like a finger traced reverent over ancient scars. fated like the way the body unravels beneath entropy and becomes starlight

i loved you all. i don’t miss you. thank you for having walked at my side.

this pain is something i’ve felt before. this specific version of spring tastes ...

i go breaking my own heart. go sailing in pitch of night in ice-choked waters. gore myself open like the doomed maiden of the sea. flood control doors slam down, a solid foot of iron. i go breaking my own heart.

girl from the dirt, oh my darling girl from the dirt. what do you want? why isn't what we have enough? why aren't we enough?

• i feel apologetic. i feel like i stole you from her. i don't deserve you and i stole you from her. she doesn't deserve this. she's probably in a lot of pain while i get to be happy. it's not fair
• i don't feel like i'm enough. i'm tired and the straightness of my back and quirk of my lips are all just an act. i'm not a real or genuine person. i am tired and i am just pretending. even as much as i try

• finance / finance
• intj / intj
• ig bio joke / honda crv
• orange / sunset orange
• dad from yuci / mom from yuci
• accused of being a robot / accused of being a robot
• chopin / chopin
• league / league
• engineering PhD dad / engineering PhD dad
• languages mom / languages mom
• slytherin / slytherin

• importance of having gratitude and appreciating your partner for the little things
• importance of taking things slow and properly vetting a person before you fully engage
• the reality that love is not an exchange or a prize that can be earned, and no amount of effort or care will get you love from someone who does not already love you
• a bad sample size isn't indicative of your destiny. perhaps the girl from the dirt can relax her bruised fists. and just let the skin heal

the closest thing i've gotten in this life to a confession of love ended up being closer to it than i could have imagined, and now i have been simultaneously at a loss for words and full of songs and poetry, happiness and calm and steadiness all at once

divine feelings. i will not let my fear ruin my present happiness. accepting that i am really happy won't cause it to end faster

• i don't want to stop filling cups, but i want my cup to be filled too
  • collectivist vs. individualist societies and environments
• i want to be loved the way i love

struggle to write about this elegantly / this is a recurring thread

• xin (辛) as the eighth heavenly stem: bitterness, austerity, heavenly suffering. 辛 as the girl from the dirt, a wilted persistent thing to whom is owed no gentleness and no grace
• i have perceived my life as one of hardship despite being told otherwise at every complaint, mostly by those who objectively have suffered more than me
• the life I live and the privileges I enjoy are to their credit - but the act of standing on the shoulders of giants has destroyed any claim I might have ever had to my own suffering
• who do I blame for the reality that I am unable to be loved? or to let myself be loved?
• my family? my old ghosts? my own inability to recognize the causes of my misery an...

everyone wants to touch my soul everyone wants to be loved by me

• on shitty sublettors, shitty exes, shitty people

i think i live more in my mind and my art and my poetry (however nonsensical) than i do in any tangible, actual state of existence. something awful happens and eventually it just becomes artwork to me. a feeling to associate with music so i might better appreciate a melody. first: the despair and rage against the unfairness of it all. then: the quell and collapse into the peaceful resignation of a person with a blue soul. grief color. sea color. star color.

(is this living? my god, i think this is living.)

in the wintertime I am especially fond of hot drinks. i am irrational in that when i leave the warm coffeeshop with a hot drink in my hands, i try to cover every exposed bit of the cup with my fingers, as if to prevent the heat from escaping. to prevent it all from dissipating into the cold. i feel so sorry for it. a tenuous, ...

getting photographed while crying in the exhibit about grief like a miscommunication. like how you said I need space and I heard I need you. except we were once people who cared about each other and the photographer did not care about me at all - only about capturing a crying girl in a photo

one thing I have realized is that you either have all of me or you have none of me, and I think most people would prefer something in between where they eat the pretty fragrant bright parts and surgically chew around the bitter pit;

it would be fine if I were capable of existing this way— only I have a tendency to spill my guts to anyone who stays, like overripe fruit

dated: February 27, 2024