• freedom and autonomy
  • hate being controlled
• creativity
• authenticity / honesty <> being truly seen
  • tell no lies
  • would rather have a little of something good than a lot of something mediocre
• integrity, fairness, and justice
  • bad people should face punishment / judgement
• loyalty
  • defend your friends fiercely
  • do not speak against them publicly, voice disagreement privately
• self-awareness and growth
• i will heal and it is inevitable

• metaphors, symbolism, and cosmic parallels
• cosmic lux
• art and expression as outlets & survival mechanisms
• a face that reflects the sea (the sea of stars)
• sanctity in connection and understanding
• i see you

• INTJ-T
• aquarius
• 1w9 ??? 8w9?????
• peach flavored things

if i drew you something please credit my TH

• toyhouse (ask)
• twitter (private)

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oracle_bon...
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burned_hou...
• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Queen_...

• i would rather issue potentially false ultimatums than sit with the discomfort of ambiguity (i am the girl from the dirt)
• i have a very weak concept of my identity separate from the value and services i provide other people
  • i value constant iterative improvement and growth --> but why? if not to be better (for other people)? if not to offer more value (to other people)?
  • i value integrity and honesty and kindness --> but why? if not to be better? to offer a better life and treatment to other people so that i might sleep peacefully at night knowing i am a good person (to other people)?
  • the silent fury i have when selfish people bemoan their people pleasing tendencies. darling, you have not the slightest clue how suffocating it is to live this way....

as bad as things can ever get, i have good music. i get to go to bed with a full belly. i have a body that is springy and obedient and pain-free. i have friends who will call me back and grab food and laugh and cry with me. i am rich, i am rich, i am rich

• it's too painful to grieve the drowned boy
• it was too painful to grieve the coyote boy
• & now i'm grieving the coyote boy to avoid grieving the drowned boy
• seanha is always several steps behind
• i never want to grieve for anyone ever again

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3GKoKP...

i am a thinker in all aspects of the word except when it comes to love. then i am ruled mercilessly by my heart. it’s why i am slow to engage, slow to trust and slow to fully let down my guard. once i start to love someone, it feels impossible to stop. a perversion of my heart. a promise made to my own soul, now violated. (i am young and not yet wise in the ways of the world.)

the whole act of love for me is a war waged in my own head.

even as I move on it’s in the midst of some war. if i live life with my heart and my head personified, as separate individuals (an inconsistent team) tied together at the waist, then my fear-hued logic, scorn and spite is yanking the rope, begging to keep moving forward—and my poor heart lies stubbornly on the ground, tear-stained and ghost-eyed, arms wrapped tig...

A homage to all the people who have held and broken my heart:

my best friend, lou, the star-eyed and his fog tread, the shattered boy, little green, michelle and all the rest, the first and last Galatea, her (or some idea of her), the coyote boy and the serpent girl, the yet-nameless boy of the mist and all the others i have yet to meet

heartbreak is a familiar feeling. longing is a soul-carved name. hiraeth etched into my every rib (my lungs scrape the engravings with every breath). there exists an empyrean comfort in this pain—akin to the way an old wound aches. like a finger traced reverent over ancient scars. fated like the way the body unravels beneath entropy and becomes starlight

i loved you all. i don’t miss you. thank you for having walked at my side.

this pain is something i’ve felt before. this specific version of spring tastes ...

struggle to write about this elegantly / this is a recurring thread

• xin (辛) as the eighth heavenly stem: bitterness, austerity, heavenly suffering. 辛 as the girl from the dirt, a wilted persistent thing to whom is owed no gentleness and no grace
• i have perceived my life as one of hardship despite being told otherwise at every complaint, mostly by those who objectively have suffered more than me
• the life I live and the privileges I enjoy are to their credit - but the act of standing on the shoulders of giants has destroyed any claim I might have ever had to my own suffering
• who do I blame for the reality that I am unable to be loved? or to let myself be loved?
• my family? my old ghosts? my own inability to recognize the causes of my misery an...

everyone wants to touch my soul everyone wants to be loved by me

• on shitty sublettors, shitty exes, shitty people

i think i live more in my mind and my art and my poetry (however nonsensical) than i do in any tangible, actual state of existence. something awful happens and eventually it just becomes artwork to me. a feeling to associate with music so i might better appreciate a melody. first: the despair and rage against the unfairness of it all. then: the quell and collapse into the peaceful resignation of a person with a blue soul. grief color. sea color. star color.

(is this living? my god, i think this is living.)

in the wintertime I am especially fond of hot drinks. i am irrational in that when i leave the warm coffeeshop with a hot drink in my hands, i try to cover every exposed bit of the cup with my fingers, as if to prevent the heat from escaping. to prevent it all from dissipating into the cold. i feel so sorry for it. a tenuous, ...

getting photographed while crying in the exhibit about grief like a miscommunication. like how you said I need space and I heard I need you. except we were once people who cared about each other and the photographer did not care about me at all. the photographer only cared about his photographs

one thing I have realized is that you either have all of me or you have none of me, and I think most people would prefer something in between where they eat the pretty fragrant bright parts and surgically chew around the bitter pit;

it would be fine if I were capable of existing this way— only I have a tendency to spill my guts to anyone who stays, like overripe fruit

dated: February 27, 2024