struggle to write about this elegantly / this is a recurring thread

• xin (辛) as the eighth heavenly stem: bitterness, austerity, heavenly suffering. 辛 as the girl from the dirt, a wilted persistent thing to whom is owed no gentleness and no grace
• i have perceived my life as one of hardship despite being told otherwise at every complaint, mostly by those who objectively have suffered more than me
• the life I live and the privileges I enjoy are to their credit - but the act of standing on the shoulders of giants has destroyed any claim I might have ever had to my own suffering
• who do I blame for the reality that I am unable to be loved? or to let myself be loved?
• my family? my old ghosts? my own inability to recognize the causes of my misery and save myself?
• i see so much worthy of love in others. but I have only ever thought of myself as the girl from the dirt.
• there is no love for girls from the dirt. I will fight for every scrap of light and nitrogen just as I did clawing my way out of the mud, for the rest of my life. and I will be beautiful and cold and faraway while doing it
• truly it is so difficult not to unconsciously / prophetically ascribe this outcome to myself. if there were people whose purpose was to absorb pain and convert it into love and light - to have high pain tolerance and to somehow still be kind and make sure no one else has to suffer the same way - then I am that archetype. that is my destiny. i am the oysters in the east river. fungus atop some death-razed mound
• anna, i would never let you go through what i did. aaron, i am so sorry for what happened. amelia, i am here for you always. mama, i am so sorry i wasn't there
• i feel like I am at a crossroads recently. I should choose if I want everything, both in the good and in the grey, that comes of being alone, or if i should acquiesce and bow to fate, live the rest of my life in service, and tolerance, and bravery. whatever he wants, whatever suits him, some perverted nauseating satisfaction in the yank of my heart from my chest
• i don’t say this with resentment or anger whatsoever. just horrible tired resignation. i think this is what I'm just meant for