- i would rather issue potentially false ultimatums than sit with the discomfort of ambiguity (i am the girl from the dirt)
- i have a very weak concept of my identity separate from the value and services i provide other people
- i value constant iterative improvement and growth --> but why? if not to be better (for other people)? if not to offer more value (to other people)?
- i value integrity and honesty and kindness --> but why? if not to be better? to offer a better life and treatment to other people so that i might sleep peacefully at night knowing i am a good person (to other people)?
- the silent fury i have when selfish people bemoan their people pleasing tendencies. darling, you have not the slightest clue how suffocating it is to live this way. and i comfort you in your misery
- i need proof that i am suffering
- i need to work out until failure and pain the next day or i didn't work hard enough
- i need to be the first in the office and last to leave every day
- i need to fall devastatingly ill and writhe in pain before i acknowledge that i cannot go on. and then i curse my body for giving up on me when so many people are counting on me
- i do not truly believe that i am allowed to suffer or be in pain
- i need to suffer more nobly and suffer less than other people
- i do not truly believe that i am allowed to make mistakes
- my body is starting to give out on me
- i do not truly believe that other people really love me. i do not believe that most other people actually know who i am at all. how could they if even i do not?
- i value self-sufficiency above everything even as i acknowledge that no person is meant to be this self-sufficient
- i view non-procedural, non-guaranteed things as owing procedural outcomes to me, and see failures in these outcomes as indicative of some self-deficiency necessitating correction
- i.e. if sufficient effort in A necessitates B effectuates C, a failure to secure C indicates insufficient effort towards A necessitating B
- when the act of assigning deterministic outcomes to probabilistic uncontrollable things is inherently fallacious
- worth is not inherent, it's earned through output, and it can be revoked
- i am worthy of unconditional love even without my output, but i don't trust others to give it to me because i don't think i've ever received it
- my home life is finally idyllic and everything i've ever dreamed because i've achieved everything beyond my wildest dreams. i'm finally the golden child. the pride of my parents. and yet i'm still not quite content.
- my life is objectively pretty good despite everything
sep 8 2026 ∞
sep 10 2026 +