- i would rather issue potentially false ultimatums than sit with the discomfort of ambiguity (i am the girl from the dirt)
- i have a very weak concept of my identity separate from the value and services i provide other people
- i value constant iterative improvement and growth --> but why? if not to be better (for other people)? if not to offer more value (to other people)?
- i value integrity and honesty and kindness --> but why? if not to be better? to offer a better life and treatment to other people so that i might sleep peacefully at night knowing i am a good person (to other people)?
- the silent fury i have when selfish people bemoan their people pleasing tendencies. darling, you have not the slightest clue how suffocating it is to live this way. and i comfort you in your misery
- i need proof that i am suffering
- i need to work out until failure and pain the next day or i didn't work hard enough
- i need to be the first in the office and last to leave every day
- i need to fall devastatingly ill and writhe in pain before i acknowledge that i cannot go on. and then i curse my body for giving up on me when so many people are counting on me
- i do not truly believe that i am allowed to suffer or be in pain
- i need to suffer more nobly and suffer less than other people
- i do not truly believe that i am allowed to make mistakes
- i do not truly believe that other people really love me. i do not believe that most other people actually know who i am at all. how could they if even i do not?
- i value self-sufficiency above everything even as i acknowledge that no person is meant to be this self-sufficient
- i view non-procedural, non-guaranteed things as owing procedural outcomes to me, and see failures in these outcomes as indicative of some self-deficiency necessitating correction
- i.e. if sufficient effort in A necessitates B effectuates C, a failure to secure C indicates insufficient effort towards A necessitating B
- when the act of assigning deterministic outcomes to probabilistic uncontrollable things is inherently fallacious
- worth is not inherent, it's earned through output, and it can be revoked
sep 8 2026 ∞
sep 8 2026 +