- i don't know what happened in the last few days, but i haven't been feeling the joy that i felt when i was waking up early. i think that this has something to do with me sleeping a bit late too. i was sleeping at like 10pm, now i'm sleeping at midnight. after this sunday, i'll try to get back on it. so i can be ok or at least in peace for the days to come.
- i have a lot to say here, since i didn't journal since friday i guess?? well, i went to my father's house on the last minuute, i was motivated to go there cause i thought he was very sick, but yesterday i got the news that he was getting better and his treatment is going as it should. i'm very grateful for that. i think i became more mature and i learned from what happened. i think this was the last fight that i had. i realized that crying and being dramatic doesn't work, but exposing what i think it's wrong in a way that he actually understands is a better option. i'm not saying thaat it works all the time, but being dramatic is certainly worse.
- i'm thankful for his health. truly am. and even my health, since last week i was feeling like shit physically and in a lot of pain.
- on friday i might go out and make out with someone that i met a few months ago. i'm feeling terrified but i also think that this is something that i should do. i don't know. i can't predict the future, so i can just hope that this time i'll actually enjoy it. and if it's bad or embarassing, i'll know what to do the next time. jesus christ.
- my treatment is not going as i thought. my doctor aint giving me
- answers and i think i might have fell into a scam, so i made an appointment with another doctor.
- something that made me combust in happiness was talking to someone that i was missing a lot, and realizing that this whole time, she was also feeling pain (even more than i was)> so i was very honored and felt loved. this is something that i needed to hear for sure. some people have a different way of showing their love. and their flaws can get in the way so.. i'm just overall happy about this. i hope we can act more mature from now on, and our bond can be even stronger and supportive after this. i have a truly good feelinf about this.
- there's someone that i didn't forget. to be honest, i don't think i'll ever forget. it's embarassing to say this, and i don't know why, but, there are some days where i remember him, and i can feel is fascination, and there are some days where i remember him and i can feel is hate be grossed out. it hurts to even admit that someone has this power over me. there's something that i really want to know now. and it's how he truly feels about me. i would give anything just to know this, even if he lies. i want to know if i'm still the one that hasn't moved on. i want to know if this person still thinks about me as often as i think of him. somebody told me that, he said that he misses me, but it was when we stoped talking i guess. either way, i must say that i was very surprised when i knew, i really thought that he wanted me dead, and was conspiring against me, and was talking shit so that he could feel better and in control. i wonder if the person who told me is a reliable source, and i wonder if his words are genuine too. i all just seems part of a fucking scheme.. i'm tired of feeling like i'm being played.
- that being said, i find myself in the same way since i was born: just waiting for something good to find me.
oct 26 2022 ∞
oct 28 2022 +