- yesterday my longterm friend i would say, came to my house. the first day was ok. we had fun. but the second day was weird and i felt like she wanted she wanted to go home as fast as she could. she also made me feel dumb and made mean comments. i dont know if our friendship has come to an end. im just going to leave it just like that. im not doing anything to change it. i dont know what she thought. i wonder if she really hates me or if its just her personality showing. im also starting to rethink if spending so much time together is a good idea. well, it was. a few years ago. i also feel like no one really likes me deep down. this makes me want to cry so bad. im crying as i write this.. i like to act as if loneliness doesnt affect me that much but it really doess. it breaks my heart like no one. the feeling of loneliness. the feeling of true emptiness. and feeling invisible. worthless. like i have nothing to offer. this might be the reason why all of my friendships are slowly going away. theyy're leaving me. i'm just constantly lookking for a way that i'll feel happy and confortable with someons. i dream that, one day, someone will hug me and make me feel safe of all this pain in the world. i dream of meeeting someone through my life, someone who's truly kind and heals me, and motivates me to show my love towards people. someone that'll accept me as i am. all of those distractions in life will take me anywhere that can actually fullfil me. i feel so brokenhearted. i've been feelinf like this since i can remember. but it got worse when my friends also left me at school. i dont know how i can feel ok by myself. i dont think im capable of this. what makes people leave me? is it my lack of confidence in myself? am i annoying? i feeel like im misunderstood by everyone. and i often find myself afraid of showing myself through social media and real life. everyones judging me and rooting for my worst. i cannot take this off my mind. i dont have much left. and certainly not sure of how much i can take of this. i'm a sensitive fragile girl. and i wish i was kidding.
- i've been thinking about my body image and im ok this days, but today i went a little off my limits, dont know if it was anxiety that made me behave so compulsively . anywyas tomorrow im going back on my diet. might as well buy my mom some coffe with pastries.
- now, forgetting the deep conversation, there ARE some good news. my debit card came todsay, and i will be able to spend and make my family happy. speaking of family , turns out antonio is a extremely different person when hes outside. dont even feel like talking about this. just to show how dissapointed i am. i just feel like this week im going to buy everything i want. everything.
- my neighbours been haunting me again. i keep on trying to make him notice me. by having lunch or just going outside. but im truly such a pussy.. im too scared to go outside by myself. its also boring. i think of him all day and every single day. hes truly my new obsession at the moment. which can be a beautiful friendship orrrrrrr just a waste of time. i think its a waste of time and gods sending me this just to give something interesting in my life. and thats ok. i like him for free actually. i was also invited for a date on friday but i dont feel like going. the last one has traumatized me enough. im not even kidding. its juts not my vibe. although it'd be nice to make a friend and not ghost him afterwards. i'll think of what i'll do.
aug 25 2022 ∞
aug 25 2022 +