- i am journaling way too early today. i cannot sleep. though i feel sleepy and tired. while i was trying to sleep i had the idea of having lunch with my dad tomorrow here where i live. im not eating tho. also somehting suspicious was bothering me as well. i want some peace. i'm also thinking about my plans for the money tomorrow. i dont know if im gonna borrow some money from my mom since she has some debts. debts she can't even imagine that it became that big. i think it's going to be scary for her when she finally pays for everything. almost half of her money will be gone by the time she gets it. i just hope that its not as much as i hope for. cause if it is, then its gonna be embarassing for me to ask for money. i might as well just wait for a few days till my credit card comes. its not the end of the world tbh. the thing is: the earlier i make the order, the faster it comes. i love buying stuff so much, it truly makes me happy.
- i'm also thinking about giving up on my favorite cosmetics. it's way to expensive. i mean i might buy my favorite lipstick but that will be it. its so hard for me too choose between things. i just want the best for me.
- whatever will fit me best. i've also been lookking for a more casual clean natural makeup look. it terrifies me just the thought of lookking oily or cakey. i never leave the house without foundation. i wonder if the people around me notice that. if they do, it's a bit embarassing for me. argh. when it comes to the casual no makeup looks. i found the perfect lipstick. i actually had it for a little while but today i remembered it out of nowhere. the cosmetics im most excited to try out are the antiredness primers and the hair mask. i really just want my hair to look perfect. perfect.
- anyways, i'm just writing here because i want to clear my mind for a little bit. also i want to talk about the possible date i have on friday. im not exited about it. plus. my expectations are behind the low bar. the last one was a disaster i cant bare another failed date. i just dont want to go through it again. the awkward conversations. the weird making outs. just that unconfortable feeling. i also dont need to go to the date just to please the guy. omg . i need to remind myself that i am a human being with needs to. i need to think of what i want first. i hate the fact that i avoid conflicts at all costs and never say what i really meant to say. im also scared of talking in general. i get way too lost in my own mind. i'm insecure about my intelligence. my ability of understanding and memorising stuff. i am a slow girl. i have no content in my mind. nothing outstanding. but, in the deep, i find myself to be an interesting and very creative girl. i also love to love people. but they always ruin this for me.. in my head. i tend to put everyone i have a slight interest on, on a pedestal that is bigger than the milky way. this does not makes sense. why the person im interested in has to be better than me in any way? why cant it be equal? why i dont treat them like human beings? i treat them like untouchable creatures instead. no ones better than anyone brenda. if the person doesnt like you, that is her problem, not yours. someone else will do. stop being so fucking scare of rejection and stop adapting yourself to every single person you meet. you want to wear something, then wear it, you want to listne to a certain artist, then listen. wtf. stop it. have some respect. stand up for yourself. answer them. dont be afraid to speak up.
- i hope as the time passes i can overcome this issue, even if its just a little.
- my cousins been annoying me the fuck out, everything he does annoys me the fuck out. and its not because my period is coming. i know everyone has flaws. but he always act like in a annoying way and selfish, hes always selfish and ungrateful. my mom does everythign for us. and he doesnt show gratitude, instead he acts like a brat. his father hasnt been giving us money to help on stuff. God's seeing this? i hope so. not even one penny. he might think that hes doing too much. i cannot put into words how much it makes me annoyed omg. can they just act in a decent way? its not that hard. being selfish is awful. he doest want to help in the tasks. and neither do something nice for us. just thinks of himself. and never thinks about his future. i think hes too accomodate. if he spends some time with his father then they'll both get it real. come on
- i feel the need of going to sleep now. i hope i can. i cannot wait for the sun to rise up. my eyes are closing already.
- i messed up my diet today. ate way too much sugar and stuff. when i do this i always try to drink as much water as i can. as if its gonna change anything. it just gives me the urge to piss every 5min.
- imma wriite just a little bit more cause i feel like it. might as well write till my notebook collapses. btw.. would it be too bad if i bought a new iphone? i feel like mine is giving signs that its gonna day in a few months , but thats a topic for later
aug 22 2022 ∞
aug 22 2022 +