• its been an ups and downs day. some things i wont be able to comment here, since its too personal. i'm always haunted by the paranoia that someones watching what i write here.
• the last few days i haven't been feeling motivated and happy like i was. i mean, i was very happy that i've solved my problem but besides that, i've been feeling so shitty........ everything is just so lonely. nothing enthusiastic happens. something that will make life feel worth living. i dont feel like watching a movie, drawing, sewing.... none of that. ive been listening to a lot of music tho. i know im complaining but i just want to say that i am grateful for everything that i have and i realize that. imgrateful for my family, the food in my plate and especially grateful for my physical health. i dont know if i just get bored or deeply sad sometimes. i dont know how to tell the difference. maybe its both. i've been missing my friend a lot too. and also suffering from dark and traumatic experiences. i don't think i can fix my heart for now. i wish i had a true friend. but it's rare something so rare to find.. i've lost so many friends this year. is it my fault?
• i want money. thats what's been keeping me going. tomorrow i'll go shopping with my mom, and i'm afraid i'm gonna spend money on impulse. actually i am not. i do want to buy some stuff.. i am AWARE that i am relying on material stuff to fill my voids.
• so... guess what!! i'll list everything here

{erased everything} i might as well save money tomorrow and keep it like that. not buying anything at all. i'll see what i'll do. i'm also scared that my dad ill think that i'm spending too much. i'm such a spoiled child. need to go to work. been drinking too much caffeine lately. i fucked my sleep schedule but im still waking up early, so its worth it.