unattainable crushes I have had over the years and why they could never come to fruition...

  • Jake, Australian outback rat from "The Rescuers Down Under," at age 6 (unattainable due to fact that was a cartoon rat).
  • Adrian Guyn-Levick, classmate from fourth to fifth grade, age 8-10 (unattainable because he was class nerd and was therefore embarrassing to admit crush).
  • Sergio Rivera, who had the same bus stop as me, as 11 (unattainable because he was as hopelessly good-looking an 11-year-old as I was hopelessly bad-looking).
  • Joey, last name forgotten, friend of stepbrother, summer of '97, age 11-12 (unattainable due to him being adorable blonde surfer boy and me being extremely awkward and geeky recent Arizona transplant).
  • Mr. Allen, 7th grade English teacher, age 12 (unattainable for obvious reasons, though looking back I feel quite confident if he is currently unattached I could waltz back into his life and win his heart, not that am planning that).
  • Ryan Bean, 8th grade classmate, age 13 (unattainable because intensely popular and -- discovered later -- hopelessly gay).
  • Marilyn Manson, not-so-controversial shock rocker, age 14 (unattainble for obvious reasons).
  • Joey Foote, adorable and artistically talented pothead senior, age 14 (unattainable because was clearly just out of my league in every way, though we were good friends and when I saw him a couple years ago working at Sterling Art it was clear the gap had shifted and I was now out of HIS league).
  • Randy Watson, close friend, age 14-15 (unattainable because we were good friends and I kept dating his best buddy instead).
  • Justin Theroux, unfairly sexy actor, age 15-present (unattainable for obvious reasons, the crush that will never die).
  • Tony, roommate of best friend's boyfriend, age 19 (unattainable because was actually just a marginally good-looking chode who distracted me from my failing relationship).
  • Eugene Hutz, lead singer of Gogol Bordello, age 20 (unattainable due to reasonable fame, though even though crush has subsided am still under the impression that I could get him to have sex with me if presented with the opportunity).
  • Axl Rose circa "Appetite For Destruction," age 21 (unattainable because Axl Rose is no longer the beautiful specimen he was in 1987 and now looks like an unsettling Fred Durst-Carrot Top hybrid who had his ass handed to him by Tommy Hilfiger).
  • hot guy that smokes and talks on the phone outside my office a few days a week, age 22 (unattainable because A. I have a boyfriend whom I love and B. have only ever seen him through the window).
  • Bon Scott, original lead singer of AC/DC, age 22 (unattainable due to fact that Bon Scott died five years before I was born).
jan 28 2008 ∞
jan 28 2008 +