queer history means everything to me….being surrounded by those like me feels like home. being in a room full of individuals who understand me and know what its like is comforting. i can let some of my walls down. i do not have to worry about coming off as weird. im already weird, but being visibly queer makes some people uncomfortable.

i have my ups and downs. ive reached a point in my life where i am comfortable with not only my sexuality, but my gender identity as well. 10 years, filled with confusion and tears. not understanding myself. feeling as if i was some sort of sick individual. i had these feelings towards myself only, nobody else. internalized homophobia and transphobia ate away at me. i didnt feel comfortable, no matter what i did. wearing things to please others, trying to wear what i liked, only to feel like i was a fraud. i didn’t understand myself. i kinda had an idea about my identity, i just couldnt grasp it.

my first “awakening” (idk what to call it) was actually The Rocky Horror Picture Show. i was 8, in the third grade. my aunt showed me it. to say it changed my life is an understatement. i immediately became obsessed (i still am LOL) and i would watch it at least 4 times a week. i started playing saxophone because of Eddie. id never shut up about it. it makes me feel seen. hearing Frank-N-Furter talk about his own identity still brings tears to my eyes. hearing “don’t dream it, be it” makes me so emotional.

clive barker has also played a huge part in my identity. the horror genre itself is very queer. sexuality and horror overlap a ton, its one of the reasons why i enjoy it. Hellraiser, the cenobites….i wish i looked like them. i wish that was me. pain and pleasure melting into one another, the way the cenobites look….that is so gender to me. fear and arousal when you come across them, not knowing what exactly they are. the gore, the outfits, the way they make you feel, the way they speak. i need that to be me.

i wish i could give my younger self a hug. ive made progress with my own identity. im comfortable. i dont have any specific labels for myself besides queer and trans. i dont have to explain myself to anybody. i know what i am, and im comfortable and happy. being around others like me is like a breath of fresh air. those who understand, who have experienced many nights filled with tears because this body isnt yours. why am i in this body? this isnt me. please let me go to the correct body. please stop changing. please stop making me look like someone im not. give me my body.