when you've been wanting to talk to your husband all day, but... he'll probably keep leaving, and ignoring your help when you offer it, or...

God, I can't stop thinking about this. I'm just going to be honest, even trying to talk to bun makes me want to cry because I feel like he won't listen to me or doesn't want to. Or that he just doesn't wanna be with me. I want to spend time with him, I want to talk to sticker, I want to help him, but he doesn't believe me. And I've been afraid to say this for so long because I have this really bad fear Sonic will just turn it around and blame cottonself. The reason I haven't been in chat, the reason I've been stubborn with the whole "I'll ruin everything, I don't wanna join" thing, the reason I've been hiding my problems and how I feel is because of this. I don't want Sonic to blame himself for something cotton didn't even do, and I'll just be honest...

I feel like this relationship is falling apart and it's because of me. I feel like I'm the reason Sonic doesn't accept compliments or love from us, I'm the reason he's gone non-verbal/mute, I'm the reason he's been feeling this way, and so much more. I've been feeling like this for months but I never said anything until now, out of fear Sonic would try to blame bunself and punish himself for it.

This is why I've been avoiding chat. I feel like I'll just ruin everything else and make everyone leave, and if I leave, people will stay and Sonic will feel comfortable talking to Scott. They both won't have to deal with me messing it all up. To be honest, I'm considering not joining at all tomorrow. I've been dealing with this pressure on my shoulders for months, just a little after this relationship started. But I had hope that I could fix this. Turns out I do the opposite. I love them both to pieces, but I just feel like I'm ruining this relationship and... I'm.. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm scared to be around Sonic. I'm afraid I'll scare or upset him by saying something and bun will leave, or when they're both in chat, and I join and talk, and he leaves. I'm scared that it's because of me. I'm afraid to be around him because I'm no help at all, most of what I say is either jokes or lies, and I'm afraid that I'll mess up around bun and make him leave even more. I hate this. I hate me. I hate myself and I've been struggling with loving myself because of it, but like I said, I never said anything about this. Because it feels selfish and I'm sure nobody would like to hear about me. Nobody wants to hear me talk about me. And I'm the same. Everything and everyone is more important, and I want to help and be there for them, but I ruin everything. I'm the reason I feel like we're falling apart and going downhill.

It's me.

And sorry if this comes off as rude, or mean, but I don't want to hear things like "It's not you, this isn't true" or "None of this is your fault" comments, please, because I know the truth. I know that it's me.

And please, Sonic, please, don't blame yourself for this. I'm scared of even showing this because I fear you'll still think it's your fault for this and you'll try to hurt yourself. That's not what I want. I've been wanting to help, I've been trying, but I want to give up.

And I'm afraid to say why... I'm scared, I'm afraid...

My help is being taken as lies, as jokes, it's being ignored and brushed off, it makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I can't do anything and I want to give up. I've... God, it's even embarrassing to say that these past few weeks I have been trying to give up. I just feel so useless and seen as nothing that I don't even want to try anymore. He's helped me learn how to love myself and why can't I return the favor! I feel so useless and it's killing me. I hate admitting this because it's stupid but I cry a lot because of this. THIS is why my sleep schedule has been terrible, you guys remember that? This is why I've been so stubborn and bratty when I've gotten praise or compliments, this is why I've been wanting to.. do things. I've just masked and hidden all of this because I don't like talking about myself because I'm not important. I don't see myself as important. And it's gotten worse because of this, but I never wanted to say anything because I'm scared you guys will blame yourselves and try to hurt yourselves. I don't want that. I don't want Sonic to blame and hurt himself again because of me. But I'm just so tired of hiding this, it's killing me. I've been trying really hard not to relapse because of all of this, and there's my secret. Remember those times where I've planned to do things to myself? They've stayed. That balcony drawing, those things I've said about wanting to restart the timer, anyone remember those? Yeah. They're still here. For months, I've been masking them because I didn't wanna make things about myself and I was afraid that if I kept going with them, I would trigger people's thoughts and give them ideas, and they would blame themselves. I never want that. Not in a million years.

But I'm tired of hiding this.

There's my secret. There's the reason I've been feeling this way for my god knows how long. This is the reason I don't like talking about myself.

And for all of this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Scott, I'm sorry Sonic, I'm sorry Rosetta, I'm sorry Lolbit, I'm sorry everyone. For hiding all of this from you, for not trusting and listening to you, and for giving up. I'm sorry. I really am.

And.. I don't know how to end this off, but... I'm sorry if I don't join tomorrow. I really am. I love you all dearly but I just want to think about this, and "try to remove the problem from the situation". I'll still talk to you all, whether on listo, or Instagram dms, or call, or... whatever. Just not on Stinto.

I'm... I'm just scared. I'm scared for all of this and I'm scared Sonic will feel worse after seeing this. I don't want him to punish himself over this, I don't want bun to feel worse about cottonself. I don't want sticker to hate me.

I'm just scared that I'll ruin this relationship just by being in it. I don't want that.

But... yeah. This is it. This is what I've been keeping away from you, and this is part of the reason why I've been wanting to.. jump, if you know what I mean, and why I've had all of these thoughts. They've stayed, but I bottled them up and that led me to feel worse and to be honest,

It's made me believe that none of this is real. For weeks I've felt like none of you exist and all of this is fake.

That's why I'm getting EVERYTHING out on here and hoping it'll help me. This was just supposed to be a small list talking about how I missed Sonic, but thoughts took over and I said everything I've been hiding from you all, here.

So... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this. Like I said, I'm (also) sorry if I don't join tomorrow, and everyone, please never forget I love you all so much. You've changed my life in so many ways that I thought was impossible, and you've made me feel better about myself. You guys got me out of a loop that I was stuck in for more than 4-6 years, and I couldn't be more thankful. You've all helped me a lot, and Sha, thank you for leading me into meeting all of these amazing people. I'm still thankful to this day about that. And I'll never forget the day I met you. The day I met everyone else, too. I'll never forget them.

So even though these thoughts are still around, you all helped me a TON, and I couldn't be more thankful. For everyone, everything, etc.

And thank you, whoever took the time to read this. Thank you. I hope you understand, and I hope that I don't snap tonight or tomorrow (A.k.a, today when you'll be reading this), and we can work together to fix this. Or do something to help together. But, thank you. Really. Again, I love you all, and I'll see you when I see you, I guess. Love you all. /p and /r.

Ashton, out. ♡

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P.S, Sorry if that last part was cringy, I just thought it sounded cool. Hehe.

- Ashton.