• (401):

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

• (612):

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

• (831):

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

• (503):

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

• 902):

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

• (617):

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

• (202):

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

• (605):

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

• (913):

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

• (229):

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

• (516):

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

• (847):

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

• (630):

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

• (845):

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

• (724):

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

• (651):

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651):

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

• (919):

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

• (516):

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

• (518):

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

• (347):

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

• (217):

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

• (310):

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

• (405):

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

• (256):

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

• (816):

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

• (603):

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

• (510):

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

• (510):

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): and you said?

(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

• (774):

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...