Because that site will never stop amusing me. Bolded are favorites.

• (708): his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
• (904): I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling. / (1-904): It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
• (973): how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
• (616): A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
• (703): No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
• (216): he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
• (302): Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
• (715): Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
• (512): I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
• (434): i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
• (801): Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
• (412): Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
• (919): So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
• (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
• (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
• (251): you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
• (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
• (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
• (206): You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
• (931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
• (334): God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
• (919): I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
• (717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
• (509): I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
• (919): Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
• (406): You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
• (310): Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
• (801): Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
• (985): Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world. / (504): That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
• (+61): why is my forehead so bruised? / (1+61): i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
• (423): Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
• (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
• (901): Do what your heart wants. . . / (504): My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
• (641): IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
• (443): He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
• (919): Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
• (919): Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
• (507): I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
• (248): Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
• (214): He took off my shirt and said "oh my God the legends are true"
• (703): i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
• (570): jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
• (307): I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
• (919): Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
• (469): You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
• (303): Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
• (303): That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
• (908): do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
• (501): I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half.
• (909): Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
• (704): this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
• (212): That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
• (702): You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
• (816): He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
• (520): There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
• (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
• (304): You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
• (651): I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
• (250): Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street / (250): It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
• (310): Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
• (302): I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
• (602): He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change / (303): well did he get it / (602): ....yes
• (805): GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
• (952): FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY / (618): CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3? / (952): The D is nonnegotable.
• (306): some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
• (201): I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
• (989): Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
• (469): He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
• (260): Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
• (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
• (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
• (919): Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
• (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
• (619): Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
• (703): How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
• (949): just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
• (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
• (360): Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted? / (1-360): I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
• (440): Since when do you jog? / (1-440): Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
• (209): i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
• (630): There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
• (424): I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
• (919): we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
• (919): Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
• (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love.
• (325): I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
• (469): I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
• (303): Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
• (650): OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
• (519):We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
• (716): You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
• (402): They are going to name an STD after you.
• (201): The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
• (724): A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
• (603): You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
• (+44): If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
• (218): Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
• (708): i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
• (714): Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
• (812): I'm way too hungover for life right now
• (831): i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
• (780): I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
• (210): Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
• (505): Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
• (781): There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
• (813): I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
• (416): I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
• (260): He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
• (409): Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
• (719): Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
• (503): I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
• (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. / (978): Prove it.
• (917): I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
• (260): Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
• (803): We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
• (850): The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
• (248): Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
• (469): Really though. It's your life, live it how you want / (702): And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
• (+44): The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
• (813): You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place. / (1-813): There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
• (609): Dude chill patience is a virtue. / (1-609): WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
• (204): I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
• (614): Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours... / (1-614): FUCK YOU.
• (204): That jawline could fucking have its way with me.